Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"My husband cannot begin to be the man I need ..."

Anonymous wrote a comment here on the previous post. Soon afterwards I received an email from her which I publish with her permission.
Hi. I came across your Uncle Agony blog this afternoon. It was about having a Dom and husband separately. I am not certain that you are interested in my email but if I don't talk to someone, I think I'll run mad. Who better to fill that need than a stranger I suppose. Well enough stalling, here goes nothing. I am 50 and have been married for 8 years. I have not had sex with my husband or anyone else (except myself) for 6 years. I am faced with the fact that I have to stay with my husband for my child's sake (at least for the foreseeable future) but can't bear the thought of my husband's quick, weak fumbling's. I have recently been exposed to BDSM through books and have awakened to the fact that I think I am beginning to yearn for a Dom and am becoming obsessed with the idea of being dominated. I am scared of these feelings because I have always taken care of myself and been the dominant one. No man has been strong enough for me or allowed me to submit. I have only ever had an orgasm by my own hand and am despondent that I will never have an orgasm by a man and never know how it truly feels to be with someone who understands my darker (and as I am finding out) kinkier feelings and can take me to the place my mind and body need to go. I don't want to lie to anyone but have been lying to myself for years I guess. My husband cannot begin to be the man I need but I must be the mother my son needs. That leaves me entirely out of the equation.
I really don't mean to lay this at anyone feet but just being able to say it (or in this case pen it) helps to relieve the intense ache that has taken root in me.
I hope you will write if for no other reason than I will know I'm not crazy. I understand if you think I already am crazy and don't write.
I have had a number of online friends who have found themselves in a similar position. I wrote back to her telling her of them, their different solutions and my own struggles in the past. I discussed the issues for her as a mother. I also reassured her that she was not crazy!

However the fact that there may be many others who sadly are in similar situations where they feel unfulfilled may be of no consolation to her. She will need to find her own way. I wonder if there are others among you out there who may give her hope though describing how you have resolved this same issue in your own lives? Or you may have strong views from a different perspective.

There are the dangers too as someone who is just becoming aware of certain feelings in beginning to explore them safely. How can one find someone who will not take advantage of her newness and vulnerability and instead seek to help her blossom?

Do add your advice for B in the comments.


  1. B. i completely understand how you feel. Although i have found a solution for me, i will not shove that upon you as we each have to make our own choices and live with it. I will say that you are not alone, and sometimes just knowing that is the best remedy to keep strong and move forward. only you can weigh your pros and cons to make a decision that will help you be a better person for both you and your son.

    If you decide to cross the line, my advice -take your time as it's your time table not a Dom's when it comes to you trusting and taking any steps forward, know what you want, don't settle for less, and do alot of research. Good luck. ((hugs))

  2. I was married, have 2 children with my ex husband, i always from perhaps late teens had this desire to be controlled, i was turned on by the thought of a man taking control over me, being spanked, tied up....but i didnt have any knowledge of the 'labels' at that time.

    Anyway i got married, had my children, these feelings were still there, i did speak to my husband of my desires..it didnt go too well...but fast forward to the situation, of which you find yourself in now.

    My marriage did end, i couldnt any longer hide or want to hide this part of me that was consuming my thoughts, i spoke to my aunt and she gave me some advice, or rather food for thought..and it was

    One day, your children will grow up, they will have their own lives to lead, and you will be left thinking "what if" staying together for the sake of the children sounds admirable, but at what sacrifice?

    I was unhappy, in turn this made my husband unhappy, we argued a lot, the children were exposed to this..it wasnt healthy for any of us....

    Im not saying this is the solution, but it was for me, nor by any means was it easy....its probably the hardest thing i have ever done....but

    9 years on...im in a relationship that provides me with everything i only ever fantasised about, my children although naturally at the time found it hard, are well adjusted....it was worth it.

    I will add though that there were other issues in my marriage at the time, the divorce wasnt soley based on my wanting kink or D/s.

    This situation isnt uncommon, best wishes for whatever path you choose to take.

  3. B...
    I live my "vanilla" life as a lesbian. When we added a third child to our family, we stopped having any kind of sexual relationship. That was nearly 10 years ago. I get an occasional hug, a small peck of a kiss when she leaves for work, or goes to bed. We now sleep in separate rooms...

    Like you I discovered BDSM by accident. Finally! there was a name--and a community!-- for people like me...people who got turned on by being spanked, hurt, tied up, fucked. I had thought it was just fantasy.

    I'm four years into a relationship with a Dom. I've flirted with others, had on online dom for 6 or 7 months. But we've worked through it, my Master and I, and onto the other side where things are good.

    My wife does NOT know I have a dom. She knows i have kinky ideas, that I write kinky stories (she found one I'd forgotten to close out of the family computer and called it 'disgusting filth'). I have 4 kids and cannot in truth, give up them for my own selfish needs.

    Master and I get together when we can--it's challenging...but He fills the part of me that was empty for so long.

    I'm glad you've found yourself, and wish you well as you continue your journey.


  4. I am 57. My ex was my first Dom, for 16 years. When we split, I ignored my nature for over 20 years. I remarried a few years after my first marriage ended, but my husband is not a Dom, and has little or no interest or understanding of the lifestyle.

    When I realized that there was something missing, something I needed desperately. I found the Literotica Forums. There, I also attracted the attention of a Dom. That particular relationship was not a good one.

    I am fortunate to have found another Dom, or rather, he found me. It is a wonderful relationship that is slowly becoming more and more special. And, I am most happy to say, surprisingly fulfilling.

    As of right now, my husband doesn't know of my Dom, though he is beginning to suspect that I do have another interest. He knows I write erotic short stories and publish them on Lit. And he knows I have an interest in BDSM. I imagine the time will come for me to explain it all. He will either accept it... or not. That will be his problem, not mine. My choice is made ;)

    This is the solution that I have found works very well for me. I wish you luck in finding yours.

  5. I've been married for almost ten years and I have four kids...all under the age of 7 (two of my kids have autism.) As you can imagine, we live in a very HIGH stress environment, and with that I have the need to be dominated..always have. My husband and I began a D/s lifestyle about 3 years ago....it has been challenging. He is very passive, but he also understands that his job as MY husband, is to love me more then himself. So, he put aside what came natural to him (to be passive) and he has become more and more naturally dominate. Sometimes it still doesn't feel like enough to me and I'm tempted to give up and say "to hell with this, you don't meet all of my needs." But then, the truth is...I don't always meet all of his needs either. I'm not always thoughtful, always submissive, always kind and gentle. Everyone in the world at some point will let you down, and that includes your partner. I think that your significant other is in your life for a reason...sometimes to teach you lessons about yourself that you don't want to know. One of those lessons could be "I don't always get what I want when I want it." I think that with lots of communication and some compromise...and never losing the focus to love one another...anyone can have a happy marriage with their partner...even if it means giving up some expectations of having the perfect novel type D/s dynamics. Sometimes for us, it's on...totally on. Sometimes it's off...the kids have needs and they are immediate needs and we give to them because that's where we are in life. But we look forward to the future when we can maybe spend more time together when they are older, where he can dominate me in other ways he can't right now with them home. If we gave up on eachother now, or brought other people into the relationship to "fulfill" some needs we may have - we may take the chance of losing out on something beautiful in the future.
    We have had to take a D/s break before - it sucked...but we took it for the good of us to figure out what WOULD work - but we didn't give up on each other FOR a dynamic. This may seem judgmental...and I'm not trying to be...but I think bringing someone else into a relationship simply because "needs" aren't being met can cause more problems in the long run. No one can ever fully fulfill us...we have to love ourselves, we have to keep ourselves accountable...we have to forgive and deal with shit from the past. We do.
    I have the need to be submissive, and the joy is that I CAN be regardless of how much my husband (Z) is dominating me. I can be the way I want to be...I get to decide how I conduct myself and it isn't determined on how he treats me. It's hot when he's in Dom mode though...can't wait for my future when kids are in college and my house is empty!!!!
    Anyways, that's what I've figured out for me (after three years of researching and asking questions and talking to someone who has had an unhealthy relationship with a Dom...this is the conclusion I came too. :)

  6. Thank you all so much for your responses. It is so comforting to know that there are people out there who understand. I have felt like an island most of my life. I guess none of us can ever fathom how deep the water is around us. You are all so supportive and it's not a surprise that I am being drawn to D/s if there is this much love and acceptance waiting. Now I just need to hope that my Dom finds me or vice versa. Bless you all!!

    B XX

  7. I am pleased you have found the responses helpful B. Good luck on your search.

    P xx

  8. Alas, I had a wonderful long distance relationship with a wonderful slave, and I blew it by flirting with other women. But let Me tell you, there is nothing better than to have a truly submissive woman and a truly Dominant Man get together. It's like a 40 piece symphony orchestra, even though there are only two of you!

  9. I will second that Wolf! Though I am sorry your relationship failed. I hope you experience a symphony again soon!

    Thanks for taking the time to contribute.

    - P

  10. Hi, I too am married with 3 kids living a double life. I was dreadfully unhappy and went seeking sex. I met my Dom and the obviousness of my submissive self started pouring out. It you test the water be prepared to swim.. Once you get to express yourself this way, it becomes undeniable. If anyone knows of any blogs of women in this situation please post, I would love to read.thx

  11. I blog at ourwickedgames.WordPress.com. I would love any blogs or articles pertaining to this "Dom affair". Secrecy is hard. Good luck anonymous.

  12. I am 57 and been leading a double life with my pet for the last two years. I have four adult children and she has 3 small children. pet is 24./We are both troubled by the fact that we aren't forfilled in our marriages. My wife is extremely indepenant and pet's husband is very passive. But we both feel that staying married is better than the alternative. It is a hard decision but it works for us.

  13. Thank you for explaining your situation Anonymous. Yes it is sad that you and your pet are not fulfilled by your marriages. I understand that it is a hard decision but it is good that it is working out at the moment for you both. Good luck.



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