how to make a punishment more severe or effective

I received an interesting email recently - very different from the usual questions I am asked. LL finds that during a punishment beating her bottom soon starts to go numb which rather ruins the point of it. Here is her email which will explain. 

Dear Uncle Agony,

My husband of nearly 20 yrs and I have been pursuing DD and a D/s dynamic in our relationship for the past year.

In that time, we've progressed from very light paddles, a 5-gallon paint stick, a paddle-style hairbrush, & wooden spoons of varying weights & densities to a thin heavy plastic/rubbery stick, and his implement of choice - the poplar paddle (he's a carpenter. He's got a thing for wood 😏). The paddle is 3"x12"x3/4" - not including the handle.

Our problem is that by the time a session gets uncomfortable enough to be effective punishment, I'm already beginning to go numb. He always does a warm-up (with the paint stick), and has developed the habit of taking a couple of breaks during a session to lecture & switch implements. Our most recent punishment session left me in a very dark place emotionally. It felt very much as if the session was cut off in the middle - there was no closure at all.

What recommendations can you make to help us make punishment more severe/effective? (I understand that severe & effective aren't always the same thing, but I believe that in this instance they are closely related.)  I feel that we may need to move on to a more severe implement. If so, what would that be? I've been wondering if a tawse or other fairly heavy leather implement would be more effective.

Any suggestions you have would be very much appreciated.

Sincerely,

LL 

Here is my response.

Dear LL

I am not sure that spanking is my main area of expertise though I admit to enjoying giving spankings and beatings. My approach tends to be sensual rather than with the aim of inflicting maximum pain. However I am sure there will be readers of Uncle Agony who have the same approach as yourselves. In both approaches though the aim is to create, maintain and increase sensation. Numbness of course spoils the whole point.

So how best to maintain maximum sensation?

I wonder first if you might already be starting off a little harshly. Yes it needs to hurt - but the start is perhaps more to get the nerve endings sensitised so that they feel the later action more rather than less. So I suggest you start almost gently and build more slowly.

The other main point though that is most important is frequent long pauses with rubbing of the bottom and perhaps squeezing or even scratching it lightly. The pauses for stroking should be at least two to three minutes long. That may seem rather long and a waste of good spanking time. However I think you will find after each pause that the sensations are greater and there is less numbness.

You might also vary and alternate between different types of implement and experiment with using them in a different order. A lot of your instruments seem to be heavy and thuddy as opposed to light and whippy. A thin light cane can cause a very different pain from a heavy paddle. Each will have a different physical effect and there are dangers of different kind of damage. A heavy paddle can cause deep bruising yet a thin cane has more likelihood of breaking the skin. While it is of course nice to leave marks my personal preference is not to cause longer lasting damage. In any case the nature of Inès' work is such that she cannot have obvious and long lasting marks. A tawse, strap or belt gives a very different kind of sensation - also floggers and whips.

I hope this is of some help. However I am sure thre will be more expertise among my readers I hope we will get some more suggestions from my readers.

Good luck and happy spanking

Pygar

So dear readers. Have you expertise in this area? Have I got it wrong? What would you suggest?

Learning about Dominance

I have just had an interesting exchange of emails with J. He is interested in learning more about dominance but has not found the resources he seeks. I publish our emails below.

Hello there!

I am interested in learning more about the brass tacks of Dominance in so far as scene crafting and basic how-to's. Most of what I have seen out there from an educational standpoint seems to be slave training or stuff geared toward submissives. My sub and I have attended a few workshops here and there when time allows, but I don't know any other Dom/mes that I can skillshare with or bounce ideas off of. Another issue is that I identify as a feminist and I want to steer clear of people who aren't respectful to gender minorities and/or don't have a proper understanding of power and privileges that play out in our non-BDSM lives. Can you offer any advice or connect me with anyone who can give some insight to newly out Dom/mes? Is there anything you've read that has been particularly enlightening? I'm considering getting the Topping and Bottoming books and I have read The Loving Dominant. Something that's less theory and more "meat" would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

J

I replied,

I don't beleive that there are right or wrong ways to be a Dominant - other than in the ethical sense and that is what led me to start writing the "A Kind Dom" blog. I wanted to esplore the ethical contradivtions in kindness and being dominant. I also wanted to look at the danger of emotionally or psychologically vulnerable submissives becoming being manipulated or abused. I too would identify as a feminist and have discussed it on the blog here and here. There was an interesting comment by Remittance Girl which also discussed feminism here.

I have come across many submissive bloggers who would describe themselves as feminists. A quick Google comes up with lots. Though there are many others for whom feminism is an anathema. Everyone is different and I believe it is for each of us to come up with our own model of what works for us in a respectful and trusting relationship.

Reading though can help you find lots of other ideas and models. As well as The Loving Dominant I have listed a number of books on Uncle Agony that have been recommended by readers and a few websites.

You may also find that joining a kinky social networking site like Fetlife will help you find like minded networks of people with whom you can discuss your thoughts and learn from them. Even just reading personal bdsm blogs can give a special insight into how real people live their lives within a bdsm framework.

I suggested that I publish J's email on Uncle Agony in the hope that readers may respond. He replied positively and added,

Part of my desire to learn more as a Dom/me (spelled thusly because I am gender fluid) stems from my desired to dominate ethically and with the psychological wellbeing of my submssive (who is also my wife) intact. I have been a member of FetLife for approximately two years, and while it's a great way to network, resources for feminist Dominants are lacking on there as well. I was drawn to your blog after I made contact with a Dom who initially said things I appreciate, but digging into other writings of his revealed him to be quite problematic and misogynistic.

I suppose I shall continue my search. I've considered just trying to learn as much as I can from a Dom/me who might be problematic, while actively filtering out that which I know doesn't jive with my consciousness. But damn, that feels like a daunting task! It also leaves one vulnerable to being associated with someone who doesn't have a great track record, and that is dangerous in small communities where affiliation is important.

So readers. Do you have any direct suggestions for J or other ideas for where he can search?

submission, masochism and self harm

I had a new comment here to an earlier post about submission, pain and masochism on A Kind Dom recently:

Pet said...

Sir,

Is this comment a bit late? I'd like to mention I love the way you wrote... That may seem odd, but I have a writing fetish (not sexually... :P) Either way, I wonder about your ideas on submissives and masochists. I've known that I'm submissive for far too long, but I've only recently realized that I might be a masochist as well.

This is something that bothers me, not because I feel uneasy with my own preferences, but because I'm not sure whether or not I am one, and I don't really understand the difference that well. I do know that when I get lonely or my emotions pile up I sometimes turn self-destructive. I'd hurt myself just to release my pent up energy. Is that a masochistic thing, or do I just have mental problems?

Needless to say, I feel a bit confused. I hope you could clear this dilemma up for me?

Sincerely, Pet.

It was kind of Pet to write kindly about my writing and I thank her for that. However her comment raises a number of issues and I would like to reply properly to her here.

I do think there is a distinct difference between submission and masochism. I wonder if submission is more in the mind and masochism more in the body? Yes, I know that is much too simplistic. However the two do seem very distinct. Masochism may imply submission but there are many submissives who do not get off on pain at all. Their desire is to be controlled rather than hurt whereas a masochist's desire is to be hurt. There have been interesting discussions about this on A Kind Dom recently here and here.

I worry though about Pet's connection of masochism with self harm. That does seem to be something that I personally find negative. However is that the ultimate conclusion of masochism?

There was also another comment relating to masochism and self harm here.

I wonder what you the reader think? Do comment.

The power of writing to Uncle Agony ...

I recently solved a problem without even replying!

Well, to be fair the writer solved the problem all on her own. It was the writing itself that had the effect. I have written about it on A Kind Dom here.

When I wrote to ask her permission to publish her emails she replied so very respectfully and politely in reply to my request that I told her that once her husband got the hang of this Dom thing he would soon be calling her a "good girl". That made them both chuckle. I do hope they are having fun.

at a loss

I received an email a little while ago from C. She'd had a wonderful D/s relationship for many years that turned sour. I wrote about it on 'A Kind Dom' here where it received some very personal responses in the comments. The respondents clearly show that it is possible to develop a loving and fulfilling D/s relationship having come out of an abusive one.

However having separated from her Dom C is now finding it very difficult to meet a new Dom to tend to her needs. I reproduce her email in full here.

Dear Kind Dom!
Though I am not new to being a sub, I am new at having to find a dom.  I was in an 10 year relationship with a Dom who at first was the best Dom any sub could ever hope to have.  He inspired me to want to submit to him.  Then as the years went by, he became emotionally abusive. He made it increasingly difficult to meet his demands and I was punished more and more. He began abusing me verbally, and breaking our terms repeatedly until I had to leave before I lost every bit of my sense of worth.  That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  For years I felt lost.  I didn't date.  I feared that I couldn't judge my ability to stay away from that kind of abuse. I am at a point in my life where I have regained what I lost in that relationship, and I am ready to try again.  However, I have had a difficult time finding the right man.  I've run across so many that confuse being domineering with being a dominate.  I would like to find a dominate who realizes that my submission is a gift and would treat me with the kindness and dignity a human being deserves.  I want to once again feel admiration and that kind of deep respect you can only feel for a kind dom. How does a woman do that?  I've looked for munches or clubs or any meeting event near where I live.  Most seem shady at best - more like swap meets.  Others are no longer functioning.   Can you please give me some advice as to how to start?

Hopeful in Modesto,
C

My reply was as follows.

I am not sure whether having been in a ten year relationship, that at least at first was good, makes it easier or harder for you in your search for a Dom.  On the one hand you have wisdom and knowledge of what a good D/s relationship can be (and what it should not become). However it may leave you very high standards and expectations that a new Dom may find it hard to meet. It may be difficult to find someone who can meet your appropriately high standards.

You have the added problem of having suffered abuse and the trauma that comes from it. The fear of that happening again may haunt you and prevent you developing the trust that is essential in any D/s relationship.

And then of course you have the same problem of many women in just finding a compatible and caring man. How does one do that? You have tried the obvious answers such as clubs, munches and events. You are right to be careful of and avoid those that seem shady or seedy when that is not what you are looking for. I wonder if you have searched further afield using the internet - such as Fetlife, etc.? It might be that a more distant friendship developed there or through blog contacts might lead to something more in the longer term.

Or perhaps readers may have better suggestions.

So readers - do you have other suggestions? Coming out of any long term relationship and starting again can be very hard. It must be all the more so in terms of a D/s relationship and in finding a new Dom. Are there any tips also for finding munches and events that are not "shady". 

"My husband cannot begin to be the man I need ..."

Anonymous wrote a comment here on the previous post. Soon afterwards I received an email from her which I publish with her permission.

Hi. I came across your Uncle Agony blog this afternoon. It was about having a Dom and husband separately. I am not certain that you are interested in my email but if I don't talk to someone, I think I'll run mad. Who better to fill that need than a stranger I suppose. Well enough stalling, here goes nothing. I am 50 and have been married for 8 years. I have not had sex with my husband or anyone else (except myself) for 6 years. I am faced with the fact that I have to stay with my husband for my child's sake (at least for the foreseeable future) but can't bear the thought of my husband's quick, weak fumbling's. I have recently been exposed to BDSM through books and have awakened to the fact that I think I am beginning to yearn for a Dom and am becoming obsessed with the idea of being dominated. I am scared of these feelings because I have always taken care of myself and been the dominant one. No man has been strong enough for me or allowed me to submit. I have only ever had an orgasm by my own hand and am despondent that I will never have an orgasm by a man and never know how it truly feels to be with someone who understands my darker (and as I am finding out) kinkier feelings and can take me to the place my mind and body need to go. I don't want to lie to anyone but have been lying to myself for years I guess. My husband cannot begin to be the man I need but I must be the mother my son needs. That leaves me entirely out of the equation.

I really don't mean to lay this at anyone feet but just being able to say it (or in this case pen it) helps to relieve the intense ache that has taken root in me.

I hope you will write if for no other reason than I will know I'm not crazy. I understand if you think I already am crazy and don't write.

Yours,

B

I have had a number of online friends who have found themselves in a similar position. I wrote back to her telling her of them, their different solutions and my own struggles in the past. I discussed the issues for her as a mother. I also reassured her that she was not crazy!

However the fact that there may be many others who sadly are in similar situations where they feel unfulfilled may be of no consolation to her. She will need to find her own way. I wonder if there are others among you out there who may give her hope though describing how you have resolved this same issue in your own lives? Or you may have strong views from a different perspective.

There are the dangers too as someone who is just becoming aware of certain feelings in beginning to explore them safely. How can one find someone who will not take advantage of her newness and vulnerability and instead seek to help her blossom?

Do add your advice for B in the comments.

Can I have my Master and my boyfriend at the same time?

I received an email from C. She wrote:

Hey

I have a problem and it's driving me a little bit crazy

I was someone's submissive but our relationship had to end due to something out of our control. It was horrible and when I got round to dating people again, I fell for a more of a normal guy. He is slightly dominant in the bedroom and likes that I'm submissive. But it isn't the same... I love being with him but there's a kind of empty feeling because I miss being a sub. I don't cheat on people. So basically I want a way that I can have my boyfriend and my Master at the same time and no-one gets hurt... this is giving me a headache and distracting me from my dissertation. Please help me. I'm not sure how. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde...

Thanks for listening
xx

I replied as follows:

Can you "have your boyfriend and a Master at the same time"? Can you have your cake and eat it? I'm really not sure but it seems fraught with difficulty. Are you talking about taking a new Master as well as staying with your boyfriend? Are you sure you will find a new Master easily? If you do, is your hope that they will each accept one another and be happy with you seeing each of them to meet your different needs? It sounds an ideal situation that I am sure many would like but I doubt that you will find that both your boyfriend and your Master will be happy with the situation.

Or are you thinking of keeping each secret from the other? You say you don't cheat on people so you would find it difficult and it would not be something I would recommend.

You say your boyfriend is slightly dominant in the bedroom. Can you discuss your needs with him and introduce him to D/s in the hope that he may be tempted to take it slightly further and become your Master? In the end I think you will need to decide whether your boyfriend can fully meet your needs and if he cannot then whether you accept that or decide to finish with him and look for someone who can.

Though I know there are readers of this blog who have managed to develop separate relationships with a Master and a husband or boyfriend. Perhaps one of them may comment and let us know how they managed to arrange such a situation.

These are just my thoughts and you will need to find a way through this that works for you.

Thanks and good luck

So - do any readers have a separate partner and Dom? How did you arrive at such an arrangement? How do you keep it working? Can others see how it might be made to work?