sub drop

I had a concerned email recently from C. After some introductory words she came to her problem,

Well to fast forward to my problem. I had my anus and vagina both severely stretched and fisted and was cropped and flogged in a session. My session lasted almost three hours and my beautiful Ma'am dismissed me to rest and to let herself rest too. At the time I didn't feel like I needed to rest. I was awake and hyper and excited and just happy in general. Less then an hour later I was so tired I thought someone smuggled rocks in my pocket and called it an early night.

The next day I was just very distracted. I had a hard time focusing on anything and just kept to myself, I felt very numb. I was freezing cold and not very hungry. I was very lonely. I never came down from playing so badly before. My poor Ma'am was busy the next day and un able to be with me but texted and called as much as she could. Unfortunately life happens. She is NOT irresponsible. Just neither of us expected such a response. This session was fairly mediocre in the sadism we normaly practice. I know the people in this community are very black and white with how a good Dom/me should behave. But no one is perfect and this is NOT abuse in our case. This is just bad luck.

Just in case I have a severe reaction again during play, is there a way I can implement after care to myself if Ma'am should have a delay in being with me?  She felt so terrible and she is a very good Domme and a career person and just amazing. If I don't have to be a source of pressure I would rather not be. She was called away on a very important family issue. I want to be able to be self maintained until she can come back to me so I am not a source of worry but pleasure for her. Thank you for your time.

Unfortunately this came to me before Christmas when I was also very distracted by serious personal developments so my responses have been a bit hurried and incomplete. Certainly I have not been able to give this problem the careful and thoughtful response that I would have liked. I have tried to put together here the essence of my reply

I would like to reassure you that what you have experienced is quite normal. What is often referred to as "sub drop" often occurs and can be delayed rather than happening straight away. You had a very intense experience and it is to be expected that you might have physical and psychological responses to it. Basically you were experiencing delayed shock.

I do hope that you are well and that you have not had any repeats of your unfortunate experience. You said that you often indulge in play that may be more extreme - "This session was fairly mediocre in the sadism we normaly practice." So perhaps it is worth trying to think about what might have been different in this session from usual.

You mentioned that immediately afterwards you were, "awake and hyper and excited and just happy in general" and that you did not need to rest even though that had been instructed by your Domme. You mentioned that she needed to rest also afterwards and left you to rest. I wonder perhaps if this might not be good practice. Even though you seemed really okay afterwards - helping you come down from this high and getting you settled is perhaps an integral part of the play and should be incorporated into future play. 

I am not being critical of you or your Domme - just trying to explore possibilities with you that you may be able to learn from. Even if this had happened it is quite possible that you might still have experienced the delayed "drop".

I of course accept your assurances that your Ma'am is very responsible. However you may both be able to learn from this experience and recognise the level of after-care that may be required and that it is not always just that necessary immediate after-care.

Good Luck!

I also found a few useful links to sub-drop to incorporate.

I am hoping that I may have readers who can speak of this though from their own experience and offer support and advice in comments below.

"brand spanking new to the D/s world"

I received a very interesting email recently from wild cat. She was so kind about my blogs - how could I help but respond? This was the email:

Dear Pygar,

I love your blogs! 

• (Thank you! - P xx)

I have a question for you that hopefully you and your readers can offer insight into. My husband and I are brand spanking new (pun intended) to the D/s world. I am excited beyond words for this change in our relationship! It's what I've--what we've both always wanted, and now we are taking steps to make it reality!! Here's where I'm having some trouble. My husband is a good man, loving, kind, faithful, smart, I could go on...he's not, however, very on top of things. In our relationship, I have primarily been the one to remind him about appointments, housework, and errands he needs to run...even sometimes to shower, brush his teeth, and eat regularly. Sometimes several times. Sometimes several times and then he still doesn't do it. He struggles to stay on top of his work, too--procrastinates to the last minute. Also, I am the primary "breadwinner." This has caused some struggles in the past, but (a) we have worked through most of it in couples therapy and (b) didn't really care too much, as he has much to offer in other ways (see the list of adjectives above). However, ever since we have gotten serious about taking this step, I find myself suddenly angry, bitter, and very contemptuous--with an attitude of "You want me to submit to you? That's cute, dear, but our lives would fall apart..." He is aware of the problem, too, and is growing towards being what I believe will one day be a good Dom, and when we talk about what we want, our styles seem to mesh very well. In the meantime, though, we are experiencing a lot of struggle. I was wondering if this is common in the beginning--especially the need for the sub to "test" the Dom to see if he is indeed in control. He keeps asking me to "make things easier on him" but this does not interest me. I feel like a wild cat and i want to be tamed, no matter how much I growl! Also, I am aware at how important trust and respect are, and I just don't believe I can have those without testing him first. I'm not testing to be cruel--I'm testing to see if he is ready. How common is this? We still know very little and have practiced very little so far. Any and all thoughts are welcome (although I would ask that people refrain from saying "get a different Dom." He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him). Thank you!!!

--wild cat

I responded as follows,

Thank you also for your kind words about my blogs.

There are many interesting points that I have heard separately from others that all seem to have come together for you! There is the strong and powerful woman who needs to submit and be cared for; the discovery together of a desire to engage in spanking; the concern (from either or both parties) that the Dom may not feel able to deliver all that is required; the desire of a sub to test out her Master, to be feisty and challenging; the lack of "knowledge and eagerness to find out more; and perhaps much more too!

So let's also emphasise your final comment, "I would ask that people refrain from saying 'get a different Dom.' He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him."

Good on you for that. You are committed to making it work. That is a really good start. You have already worked through much of it in couples therapy. That again shows the commitment of both of you. I hope that helped - and wonder if it was contributory to the decision to engage in D/s. While it is common for many people - male and female - who are strong and powerful to need to find time to relax into submission in a safe environment with a trusted partner, it is perhaps less often the case that someone who is less powerful in their day to day life satisfying their dominant side in a parallel way. Perhaps being dominant requires a more embedded personality - it is perhaps not something that many can just switch on or off.

Having said this, my personality is genuinely kind and gentle, but there is an underlying strength that can exhibit itself naturally in Dominance. I wonder without that underlying strength - can someone become the dominant partner.

Perhaps though your husband also has that. Perhaps he can learn and develop it. Perhaps in doing it within a D/s context her may learn skills that can help him in his day to day life.

What is good though is that you are able to talk about things and discuss your feelings and needs. That is surely a start.

Make sure though that you have the same desire to submit as you have for him to dominate you. You say you want to test and challenge him. You want him to make you submit. In the end the issue isn't just his ability to dominate - but also your ability to submit. If you refuse to submit to him then that will be your failure as much as his.

Good luck on your journey.

- Pygar xx

I think there are a number of fascinating issues here. I hope other readers will respond in the comments section.

Indifference

J wrote to me recently. She said,

Good evening Sir,

i have a problem i would like help with. i found Your blog through google search. i am new to the BDSM lifestyle, and yesterday at my first in-person meeting with my Dom i messed up big time. He says he accepts my apology (i did many things wrong- disobeying His commands, standing/walking- not crawling, yelling when there was a spider in the room, not calling Him Sir, as well as a couple other things, i'm sure.). my question now is how to i get Him to stop feeling indifferent towards me? i just asked Him and He says He isn't angry at me, just indifferent. This hurts more than Him being angry. Is there anything i can do?

Thank you so much for your time, Sir. 

It is always difficult for those new to this. It can also be very intense - and to feel a Dom is indifferent seems a cruel punishment. I replied as follows.

Hello J

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry you are having problems. I do know that it can be difficult when one is new to BDSM. There seems to be so much to learn and new protocols to get used to. It is easy as a sub to think that everything is your fault and that it is you who is somehow inadequate.

However those who claim more experience should be supportive to those new to the scene. Also a Dom should show respect towards his sub, help teach her, and be understanding of her needs.

You cannot expect to know everything at once and if things did not go well on your first meeting then that is as much if not far more to do with him, his skills and his attitude as it is to do with you.

If he says he is indifferent to you then I am tempted to suggest that you tell him to get lost. Possibly in even more colourful language. I think you deserve better. There are good people out there who can help you learn and begin to experience some of the things you desire.

Best wishes and good luck

Pygar xx

Do others have more helpful advice? Do add to the comment. Thanks!

bondage marks

I have received the following interesting email from naughty Lizard about bondage marks. As I have been very, very slow in publishing the email I do hope readers have some advice to give.

Dear Uncle Agony,

I'm a nice submissive girl who has been in a sexless marriage for several years. I recently began having an affair, and my new lover and I very much want him to tie me up. (Ahem. Very much!)

But. He is concerned about leaving marks on my skin. I haven't been able to find much helpful advice on bondage techniques that *avoid* leaving marks.

Can you help?

Thank you,

Naughty Lizard

I find it an interesting topic as for different reasons I often have to avoid marking my own submissive woman. It can be very annoying having to be careful not to leave suspicious marks.

My advice to Naughty Lizard was as follows

I'm pleased you seem to have found a partner to have fun with and I do understand your dilemma. If you have tried the local kink friendly sex store then you may be left with the internet. There are things you can get from there but it might be that neither of you can have things delivered through the post if your lover is also married.

I did a bit of Googling and found sites that advertised soft rope that they claimed did not mark. One of the things seems to be to avoid twisted rope as opposed to covered rope. In the end though it is a matter of how tightly you tie the ropes and for how long! I find that most rope marks where there is no chaffing are gone in an hour or so - and many marks even more quickly. Knotting techniques are useful too - so that the rope does not bite around you. There are some good instructional videos on twistedmonk.com

When I Googled I also found this advice -
http://socyberty.com/folklore/self-bondage-rope-marks/

I wonder if readers can offer further advice?

new

I received an email recently for publication on Uncle Agony with the title "submissive". It went as follows,

Dear reader,

I'm very new to the BDSM life. I don't have a partner nor do I know whether I am a submissive or a dominate. I do, however, know that I like BDSM and would enjoy doing it. I believe that I am a submissive person but all my life I have been raised to be a dominate person and it's hard for me to let go of control. I also have a few questions about the BDSM life style, such as if your a submissive, do you act like a slave with your partner 24/7? Or can you (the submissive) be treated like a normal person outside of the sex? Thanks for your time and support.

Alexandria (alex)

I sometimes find it so hard to know where to begin with those like alex who are new to D/s and BDSM. There are no easy answers and I believe no rights and wrongs. It may be just a matter of finding the right relationship with the right person who one can really trust - then taking it from there.

There is so much to learn - and where to start? Of course there is lots written on the internet to research. However there is such a lot that it must be overwhelming for someone who is new but eager to learn and to experience safely.

When one is new and with no experience one is in that wonderful state of knowing there is something out there - but what might one become? Something precious for a good mentor to teach and help find fulfilment - or a potential victim for someone manipulative to abuse?

I feel much of the advice that alex requests from me is already written in my Kind Dom blog. However it would be a long read from the start.

What is the essence of knowledge to give to alex and others like her?

Do others have more supportive responses to her questions than I have given so far?

reading and learning

A dominant man wrote recently to ask for advice. He feels he is still learning and asked if I could recommend further sources of information. There are some books listed on the sidebar that have been recommended by readers.

If anyone has any further recommendations for books or websites please let me know in a comment here or an email and I will add them to the sidebar list.

Thanks

- P

should I compromise for my husband?

I just received this email from signed loving who is in a Domestic Discipline relationship.

Pygar..

I have a question. My husband and I are fairly new to Domestic Discipline its going wonderfully for us and we couldn't be happier. There's just one thing my husband/master wants me to go to his family's house and his family and I have recently had a falling out. He said he wants to me to make up with them when I'm ready and doesn't want to push me on this BUT I feel like he is disappointed in me that I do not go around them. I do Not want this to hinder the bliss we have been having. Any advice? you can read more about my issues with them on my blog .. signedloving.blogspot.com I have mentioned it some on there.

As I have no direct experience of Domestic Discipline my response was fairly general.

Hello signed loving

I'm afraid I'm not a experienced in Domestic Discipline but I think in all D/s situations we find what works right for us as a couple. A lot of it is about love and respect in both directions - and that will be the case in any relationship.

It is clearly upsetting to your husband that you have fallen out with his family and that you are not ready to go round to their house. It is clearly abig issue for you that you find making up so difficult. I think your husband is being very reasonable and understanding. He could just tell you to do it as he expects your obedience - however he has said he wants you to make up when you are ready and does not want to push you. It would be a shame if this got in the way of your blissful relationship. I think you could talk with him about how you feel and your fear that you are disappointing him and discuss ways in which you both might work together at resolving the situation with his family.

The longer you leave it though the more difficult it might be. It could be worth biting your tongue and going to them and apologising even if you know it was not your fault. You might be surprised by their response and get apologies in return. But you and he know the individuals best. Talk through how the situation can be resolved and try to deal with it quickly.

Good luck

Pygar

Any thoughts? Perhaps if you too are in a DD relationship you may have another perspective.