Dear Master Pygar,
Thank you for your blog. It gets me thinking and feeling less alone.
A little over a year ago a new on-line friend sparked within me an interest in submission and D/s relationships. O/our friendship grew (rather quickly) into an 'on-line relationship'. W/we never met, but a gap in my life seemed to be filled for me for the first time.
I am married. My husband has no interest in anything that he dismisses as "kinky".
My online relationship has just finished and left me with that "gap" again. I have young children and cannot separate from my husband - in any case I love him. He is a good man and I do not want to hurt him.
But I feel so empty again. I am drawn to look for another online Master but part of me thinks I should just push it all to one side, that I am being selfish and deceitful.
I just crave to submit again.
Are any of your readers in a similar situation? How do they cope with the feelings of guilt on one side - or the emptiness on the other?
Thank you
pinksub
Thank you for your letter pinksub. I am sure there are other subs in a very similar situation. I hope some of them may feel able to comment. - P
Monday, June 8, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
How do I get the spanking I want?
Many of you may visit Vivian's blog - The Disciplined Feminist - which I have recently linked to on the side bar.
She has just published an ebook called, "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. It is described as "a complete guide for anyone who wants their partner to spank them and is particularly directed to adults interested in spanking in a committed relationship, primarily (though not exclusively) in a domestic discipline situation."
She kindly offered me an exclusive excerpt for publication. Having read it I think it is excellent advice so am publishing it here. If the rest of the ebook is of the same standard then I think that many will find it a very useful read.
~ Why most advice about getting your partner to spank you will not get you what you want
Almost all the advice available on how to get your partner to spank you relies on the fantasy that your partner will spank you if you provoke, tempt or tease him into doing so. This advice usually includes a suggestion to do something that annoys him and then tempt him with, “If I were you, I’d spank me for that…” or variations to that effect.
I call this advice the “I Love Lucy” method because it reminds me of the way in which Lucy would misbehave – often it seemed, with a wink and a nod – and Rickie would threaten her with a spanking if she didn’t stop. (By the way, in case you think I’m reading something into the show that isn’t there, you should know that there is at least one and probably more episodes in which Lucy is spanked by Rickie, and the implication is that this is not an unusual or infrequent occurrence. Ah, the Golden Age of television…)
The “I Love Lucy” method is by far the most commonly repeated advice on this subject – but it obviously doesn’t work very well. How do I know this? Because despite the fact that this advice appears on almost every thread or discussion about this subject anywhere, the forums and community boards are still crowded with people frustrated that their partners won’t spank them.
So clearly, this method isn’t working for most (all?) people. And when you take a closer look at it, it’s really no wonder. Classic sitcoms aside, trying to provoke your partner into spanking you is actually more likely to get him not to spank you than anything else!
Why? To answer that, let’s closer look at what you’re really doing when you try to provoke a spanking by taunting your partner with misbehavior.
1. You’re getting fantasy confused with reality.
Expecting your partner to spank you without communicating with him first about what you want and whether spanking you will work for him is another example of how we tend to let our fantasies get in the way of our expectations about how real life works.
In our fantasies, we misbehave and our partner instinctively and magically knows just what to do about it. Without hesitation, he becomes the stern disciplinarian and immediately takes charge, giving us the perfect spanking in the perfect way, saying all the right things and leaving us with a sore bottom and that wonderful feeling of fantasy fulfillment. Yum… what a wonderful fantasy! No wonder we get stuck here!
But you probably sense by now that as delicious as this fantasy is, it’s not the way real life works because…
2. You’re not being fair to yourself.
Expecting your partner to get that you want him to spank you just because you tease him with the possibility is a sure route to a disappointing spanking experience – even if he does take you up on your offer.
First of all, he’s probably not going to take you seriously and believe that you really want him to spank you. Why would he? Most guys who aren’t specifically interested in spanking don’t realize that there are actually a lot of women out there who want to be spanked. Guys may fantasize about spanking women, but they also fantasize about having sex with two lesbians, and how often does that realistically happen for the average guy?
Furthermore, most “enlightened” modern guys were raised to believe that what a woman wants most is equality, so naturally, he’s going to assume that you’re kidding at best and at worst, being a tease by making fun of his “macho” tendencies. (we’ll talk more about this in a minute)
The odds that he’ll believe you’re serious just because you tease him about spanking you are probably one in a thousand, at least. And even if against all odds, he does try spanking you because you provoked him into it (which would actually be very bad, as you’re about to learn), he’s almost certain to do it “wrong” – thus disappointing you and frustrating him.
Do you really believe that you will get the spanking you want without any specific prior communication with your partner about what you have in mind? That with all of the hundreds of different variations in the spanking experience, your partner will magically somehow, without one word of actual, direct, adult conversation with you, know exactly what you’re asking for and do it the way you want him to?
Not likely! You’ve probably got a better chance of marrying a handsome movie star and moving to a tropical island.
I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating here. A satisfying spanking doesn’t just happen because you want it to without any work on your part. A good spanking takes communication, practice and the building of trust between two people. (Remember, even Lucy and Rickie had been together for years working on their spanking relationship before those TV spankings happened!)
Expecting that just by teasing and provoking your partner into spanking you you’re going to get what you want is like expecting to play the piano perfectly the first time you touch the keys – it’s just not going to happen, because…
3. You’re not being fair to him.
You and I may be fully aware of the wonderful benefits and pleasures of spanking, but most of the rest of the world isn’t.
In fact, most of the rest of the world (or at least the western world) sees any form of physical violence against a partner as abuse – and therefore unacceptable and unforgivable. Not to mention that in most of western society, hitting a woman is a felony offense that could land your partner in jail, ruin his reputation, take away his custody of his children (if he has them) and end his career.
Sound like an exaggeration? It’s not.
Expecting your partner to spank you just because you tease him is asking him to take a huge risk. What if he misinterpreted what you wanted and spanked you, when you really were just teasing him? (And how in the world could he possibly know for sure if you haven’t talked with him first?) And what if he spanks you too hard and you feel abused by what he’s done and report him to the police? (And how does he know how hard to spank you if, again, you haven’t talked with him first!!?)
You may think these possibilities are exaggerated and far-fetched, but that’s because you’re probably seeing the whole situation from your perspective. You already know what you want and you already know that you want it. He doesn’t. And he has no reasonable or fair chance of knowing without you coming out and asking him, instead of teasing him about it.
Simply put, it is unreasonable and unfair to your partner to expect him to take a serious risk with his life just on the remote chance that you might seriously want him to spank you.
Why is this a remote chance? Why would it be so hard for him to believe that you really, truly want to be spanked? Here’s why:
Because modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is.
Which means that to get over that pretty strong attitude, he will probably (and should probably) need a very clear and very explicit request from you before he even considers spanking you.
And while we’re on the subject here, given the risks involved, any man who is willing to take the chance and spank you without knowing 100% for sure that it’s consensual is probably not someone who is responsible, stable and mature enough to be a good spanking partner. In fact, he may well be an abuser who will hurt you without your consent in other ways as well.
In other words, if you’ve tried the “I Love Lucy” technique and failed, it’s actually a good sign that your partner is responsible, caring and trustworthy enough to be a great spanking partner once you communicate with him about what you want.
The good news is that you don’t have to use this unreliable and dangerous “I Love Lucy” method to get your partner to give you the spankings you need. There is a method for getting what you want that works much, much better – and best of all, will strengthen your relationship rather than endangering it.
That’s what the rest of this book is about.
She has just published an ebook called, "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. It is described as "a complete guide for anyone who wants their partner to spank them and is particularly directed to adults interested in spanking in a committed relationship, primarily (though not exclusively) in a domestic discipline situation."
She kindly offered me an exclusive excerpt for publication. Having read it I think it is excellent advice so am publishing it here. If the rest of the ebook is of the same standard then I think that many will find it a very useful read.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
~ Why most advice about getting your partner to spank you will not get you what you want
Almost all the advice available on how to get your partner to spank you relies on the fantasy that your partner will spank you if you provoke, tempt or tease him into doing so. This advice usually includes a suggestion to do something that annoys him and then tempt him with, “If I were you, I’d spank me for that…” or variations to that effect.
I call this advice the “I Love Lucy” method because it reminds me of the way in which Lucy would misbehave – often it seemed, with a wink and a nod – and Rickie would threaten her with a spanking if she didn’t stop. (By the way, in case you think I’m reading something into the show that isn’t there, you should know that there is at least one and probably more episodes in which Lucy is spanked by Rickie, and the implication is that this is not an unusual or infrequent occurrence. Ah, the Golden Age of television…)
The “I Love Lucy” method is by far the most commonly repeated advice on this subject – but it obviously doesn’t work very well. How do I know this? Because despite the fact that this advice appears on almost every thread or discussion about this subject anywhere, the forums and community boards are still crowded with people frustrated that their partners won’t spank them.
So clearly, this method isn’t working for most (all?) people. And when you take a closer look at it, it’s really no wonder. Classic sitcoms aside, trying to provoke your partner into spanking you is actually more likely to get him not to spank you than anything else!
Why? To answer that, let’s closer look at what you’re really doing when you try to provoke a spanking by taunting your partner with misbehavior.
1. You’re getting fantasy confused with reality.
Expecting your partner to spank you without communicating with him first about what you want and whether spanking you will work for him is another example of how we tend to let our fantasies get in the way of our expectations about how real life works.
In our fantasies, we misbehave and our partner instinctively and magically knows just what to do about it. Without hesitation, he becomes the stern disciplinarian and immediately takes charge, giving us the perfect spanking in the perfect way, saying all the right things and leaving us with a sore bottom and that wonderful feeling of fantasy fulfillment. Yum… what a wonderful fantasy! No wonder we get stuck here!
But you probably sense by now that as delicious as this fantasy is, it’s not the way real life works because…
2. You’re not being fair to yourself.
Expecting your partner to get that you want him to spank you just because you tease him with the possibility is a sure route to a disappointing spanking experience – even if he does take you up on your offer.
First of all, he’s probably not going to take you seriously and believe that you really want him to spank you. Why would he? Most guys who aren’t specifically interested in spanking don’t realize that there are actually a lot of women out there who want to be spanked. Guys may fantasize about spanking women, but they also fantasize about having sex with two lesbians, and how often does that realistically happen for the average guy?
Furthermore, most “enlightened” modern guys were raised to believe that what a woman wants most is equality, so naturally, he’s going to assume that you’re kidding at best and at worst, being a tease by making fun of his “macho” tendencies. (we’ll talk more about this in a minute)
The odds that he’ll believe you’re serious just because you tease him about spanking you are probably one in a thousand, at least. And even if against all odds, he does try spanking you because you provoked him into it (which would actually be very bad, as you’re about to learn), he’s almost certain to do it “wrong” – thus disappointing you and frustrating him.
Do you really believe that you will get the spanking you want without any specific prior communication with your partner about what you have in mind? That with all of the hundreds of different variations in the spanking experience, your partner will magically somehow, without one word of actual, direct, adult conversation with you, know exactly what you’re asking for and do it the way you want him to?
Not likely! You’ve probably got a better chance of marrying a handsome movie star and moving to a tropical island.
I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating here. A satisfying spanking doesn’t just happen because you want it to without any work on your part. A good spanking takes communication, practice and the building of trust between two people. (Remember, even Lucy and Rickie had been together for years working on their spanking relationship before those TV spankings happened!)
Expecting that just by teasing and provoking your partner into spanking you you’re going to get what you want is like expecting to play the piano perfectly the first time you touch the keys – it’s just not going to happen, because…
3. You’re not being fair to him.
You and I may be fully aware of the wonderful benefits and pleasures of spanking, but most of the rest of the world isn’t.
In fact, most of the rest of the world (or at least the western world) sees any form of physical violence against a partner as abuse – and therefore unacceptable and unforgivable. Not to mention that in most of western society, hitting a woman is a felony offense that could land your partner in jail, ruin his reputation, take away his custody of his children (if he has them) and end his career.
Sound like an exaggeration? It’s not.
Expecting your partner to spank you just because you tease him is asking him to take a huge risk. What if he misinterpreted what you wanted and spanked you, when you really were just teasing him? (And how in the world could he possibly know for sure if you haven’t talked with him first?) And what if he spanks you too hard and you feel abused by what he’s done and report him to the police? (And how does he know how hard to spank you if, again, you haven’t talked with him first!!?)
You may think these possibilities are exaggerated and far-fetched, but that’s because you’re probably seeing the whole situation from your perspective. You already know what you want and you already know that you want it. He doesn’t. And he has no reasonable or fair chance of knowing without you coming out and asking him, instead of teasing him about it.
Simply put, it is unreasonable and unfair to your partner to expect him to take a serious risk with his life just on the remote chance that you might seriously want him to spank you.
Why is this a remote chance? Why would it be so hard for him to believe that you really, truly want to be spanked? Here’s why:
Because modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is.
Which means that to get over that pretty strong attitude, he will probably (and should probably) need a very clear and very explicit request from you before he even considers spanking you.
And while we’re on the subject here, given the risks involved, any man who is willing to take the chance and spank you without knowing 100% for sure that it’s consensual is probably not someone who is responsible, stable and mature enough to be a good spanking partner. In fact, he may well be an abuser who will hurt you without your consent in other ways as well.
In other words, if you’ve tried the “I Love Lucy” technique and failed, it’s actually a good sign that your partner is responsible, caring and trustworthy enough to be a great spanking partner once you communicate with him about what you want.
The good news is that you don’t have to use this unreliable and dangerous “I Love Lucy” method to get your partner to give you the spankings you need. There is a method for getting what you want that works much, much better – and best of all, will strengthen your relationship rather than endangering it.
That’s what the rest of this book is about.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thank you
Thank you to those who have added their advice as comments to the posts below. That is the purpose of this blog. I have no special wisdom. It is the combined wisdom in the comments of kind hearted readers that will, I hope, make this blog worth reading.
I have been particularly pleased that Doms as well as subs have felt able to write. This gives a good balance to any problem to see it from such different perspectives.
I am sure the problems that have been discussed are not specific to the writers but may be shared by many others. So if you are a new reader do feel free to comment on earlier posts.
And if you have a problem to discuss then please write to Uncle Agony!
I have been particularly pleased that Doms as well as subs have felt able to write. This gives a good balance to any problem to see it from such different perspectives.
I am sure the problems that have been discussed are not specific to the writers but may be shared by many others. So if you are a new reader do feel free to comment on earlier posts.
And if you have a problem to discuss then please write to Uncle Agony!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
How do I know if I am a submissive?
Hi,
I’ve recently discovered your blog, and am emailing in the desperate hope of some advice…
I’m very confused. How do I know if I am a submissive?
Being controlled is all I think about, all I want and desire. I’m pretty sure I’m a masochist but I know it’s not the sane as being a sub.
I have a partner who I’ve sort of told about certain things I like in the bedroom, but I don’t think he would ever be able to control me in the way I desire.
I don’t know what to do, what to think. It is consuming my mind and I don’t think I can function in a relationship without those needs being fulfilled.
I know you don’t hold the answers, but I just need some advice.
G
Hello G
How do you know if you are a submissive? Well it seems that you already do know that. You sound as if you are aching to explore your submissiveness but your partner may not understand.
I know other subs who have discovered their submissive nature while being committed to a vanilla partner. I know they have had difficulties in reconciling these issues. I hope some may advise you here.
But in the end only you can decide if you sublimate your submissive desires for the sake of your current relationship ... or open up an explore what you feel may be your true nature. If you are lucky your partner may join this journey with you. But if he does not ... then you may find it leads to conflict and difficult choices.
Good luck
P
I’ve recently discovered your blog, and am emailing in the desperate hope of some advice…
I’m very confused. How do I know if I am a submissive?
Being controlled is all I think about, all I want and desire. I’m pretty sure I’m a masochist but I know it’s not the sane as being a sub.
I have a partner who I’ve sort of told about certain things I like in the bedroom, but I don’t think he would ever be able to control me in the way I desire.
I don’t know what to do, what to think. It is consuming my mind and I don’t think I can function in a relationship without those needs being fulfilled.
I know you don’t hold the answers, but I just need some advice.
G
Hello G
How do you know if you are a submissive? Well it seems that you already do know that. You sound as if you are aching to explore your submissiveness but your partner may not understand.
I know other subs who have discovered their submissive nature while being committed to a vanilla partner. I know they have had difficulties in reconciling these issues. I hope some may advise you here.
But in the end only you can decide if you sublimate your submissive desires for the sake of your current relationship ... or open up an explore what you feel may be your true nature. If you are lucky your partner may join this journey with you. But if he does not ... then you may find it leads to conflict and difficult choices.
Good luck
P
Thursday, May 14, 2009
My Dom is too lacking in confidence
This email is from a more experienced sub who has started a loving D/s relationship with an inexperienced Master. How best to proceed? Advice from readers is very welcome.
Hello Sir,
Hello Sir,
First, thank you for your blog and for sharing what you do there.
normally, i wouldn't take a question that related to my Master to be asked anonymously (sorta) somewhere else. i don't think He would be upset; we just have a big empahsis on communication. i just don't know how to communicate this. Master collared me back in March -- after about a year old knowing each other. We have a sort of hybrid online/offline realtionship. We see each other as often as we can for living a good distance away. We're both young. we're both in college. Our families know about our relationship in a nilla fashion. i have about three semesters of school till i am moving to where he lives.
i've told all of this before asking my question so you can get an idea of our relationship.
Thing is, he's hesitant at his Dominance....no matter what it is that he is doing or saying ....
i mean...it's there. he's reallly good at it, and i don't think he knows just how good. i'm his first sub -- he's not my frist dominant, but the only deeply connected and loving relationship i've ever had period.
He's admited fearing hurting me....or he says abusing the power i give him. Sometimes He pushes though this and sometimes He doesn't.
i try to be patient. i tell Him that first and foremost, i love Him for who He is to me -- rather than some percived notion of what he 'must' do as my Master. And, that really isn't my problem. i knew He was new in the beginning.
My problem is that when he doubts himself and doesn't clearly direct....i feel either confused or frustrated from time to time. it's a bit disorintating. i'm not sure how to respond. i have to check myself so that i don't grapple for power during these moments or manipulate -- two things i don't even want to do.
i can't help it...it's part of my wiring. i crave that leadership from him, and it's hard not to feel lost when it isn't exactly clearly there. it's like...i want to serve and please him but when he is like that...i don't know how. Except to just keep on loving him and i do. But the submissive part of me has begun to feel a bit starved and i don't really know what to do.
i'm not even sure that i am making sense. How do i tell him . . . ?
Thanks,
t
Dear t
I can understand your problem - especially as you have had more experience in this area than your Master. There is always the possibility that he doesn't have it in him - and that he will not able to fully satisfy your submissive needs.
But remember - he is new to this. He is finding his feet. He cares for you and is frightened of harming you. That is a good start. Much better than someone inexperienced who was reckless and who might do you real harm. I think you need to be patient but to work through this together. You are the most experienced in this partnership so you may have to give a bit of help and leadership. I know you feel this goes against what you want - you need him to be the leader and to command you. But I believe if you work at it together you will get to that place.
Do lots of talking about each of your needs and desires and where you would like it to develop. Discuss his worries and fears of harming you and devise scenarios where he can feel confident. For instance there are lots of ways of structuring cp sessions where the sub can give ongoing feedback of how it is working for her. Once he gets to understand your limits and your needs he will need less of this feedback - but it is sensible that you start like this.
Perhaps you could look at websites together and discuss what you find there - ones about techniques and safety perhaps, others about imaginative scenes, blogs by couples in such relationships. I am sure all of this will help give you shared ideas of ways that you can make it work.
You may feel that a lot of this is "topping from the boom" and goes against what you need - but I think in the long term if he gains in experience and confidence then the topping from the bottom will be no longer necessary - though honest communication will continue to be essential.
For now keep talking. Keep communicating. Let him know your needs and listen to his concerns. Try to help each other.
I have had my confidence hit at times and as a kind Dom myself am perhaps cautious about going too far too quickly. But I have discovered that with trust and good communications it is possible to gain confidence and expertise quite quickly.
Good luck to you both.
Best wishes
Pygar
Dear t
I can understand your problem - especially as you have had more experience in this area than your Master. There is always the possibility that he doesn't have it in him - and that he will not able to fully satisfy your submissive needs.
But remember - he is new to this. He is finding his feet. He cares for you and is frightened of harming you. That is a good start. Much better than someone inexperienced who was reckless and who might do you real harm. I think you need to be patient but to work through this together. You are the most experienced in this partnership so you may have to give a bit of help and leadership. I know you feel this goes against what you want - you need him to be the leader and to command you. But I believe if you work at it together you will get to that place.
Do lots of talking about each of your needs and desires and where you would like it to develop. Discuss his worries and fears of harming you and devise scenarios where he can feel confident. For instance there are lots of ways of structuring cp sessions where the sub can give ongoing feedback of how it is working for her. Once he gets to understand your limits and your needs he will need less of this feedback - but it is sensible that you start like this.
Perhaps you could look at websites together and discuss what you find there - ones about techniques and safety perhaps, others about imaginative scenes, blogs by couples in such relationships. I am sure all of this will help give you shared ideas of ways that you can make it work.
You may feel that a lot of this is "topping from the boom" and goes against what you need - but I think in the long term if he gains in experience and confidence then the topping from the bottom will be no longer necessary - though honest communication will continue to be essential.
For now keep talking. Keep communicating. Let him know your needs and listen to his concerns. Try to help each other.
I have had my confidence hit at times and as a kind Dom myself am perhaps cautious about going too far too quickly. But I have discovered that with trust and good communications it is possible to gain confidence and expertise quite quickly.
Good luck to you both.
Best wishes
Pygar
Sunday, May 10, 2009
doubt
I have two letters for you this week. I will publish the second later in the week. This first expresses doubt when her Master has become distant.
Hello,
Hello,
I have found your site and seek your advice.
I have only just begun my training following a long, intense and passionate verbal courting. We have shared our commitment as master husband and submissive wife to be together in all things as we explore this new life together, planning for marriage, the merging of our lives, our resources. His is my love, my master in mind, body and soul. I am his now.
Over the past four days he has become distant. Honestly, he is busy with family issues that cropped up suddenly and I believe weigh greatly upon his mind. And yet, he will not speak to me, only text me and tell me he has a lot on his mind right now, apologizing for the lack of communication. I cannot help but think he is second guessing our relationship, and yet, he has told me we are ok and that he loves me.
I will not speak or think ill of him. I feel secure in his love for me, and in mine for him. I stride to master my emotions and paranoia with writing, walking. Yet doubt creeps on quiet feet, making me feel cut off, from my love, my guiding force, insecure.
Perhaps this is part of my training? Perhaps this is merely the vanilla part of our lives? So I am patient, silent. He is so strong, and I want to be there for him, but I do not wish to overstep my sub bounds. And yet, I fear.
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Anonymous
I think if it was part of your training that he should have explained this to you. Otherwise it could be in he realm of issues I discussed in "A Kind Dom" about emotional sadism. Like you I cannot read his mind to understand the real reason for the change. He has tried to reassure you and has told you he loves you so for now perhaps you should be optimistic. It might just be that he has other major issues to deal with at the moment - but it will be worrying for you to know that this distance can come between you.
I am concerned though that he will not speak to you and will only text. He must know you are worried and a few words might reassure you.
So I am unsure too. I wonder what others think?
- Pygar
I think if it was part of your training that he should have explained this to you. Otherwise it could be in he realm of issues I discussed in "A Kind Dom" about emotional sadism. Like you I cannot read his mind to understand the real reason for the change. He has tried to reassure you and has told you he loves you so for now perhaps you should be optimistic. It might just be that he has other major issues to deal with at the moment - but it will be worrying for you to know that this distance can come between you.
I am concerned though that he will not speak to you and will only text. He must know you are worried and a few words might reassure you.
So I am unsure too. I wonder what others think?
- Pygar
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
How do I find a Dom?
I was wondering if you may be able to help a young submissive girl deal with a problem?
Just this passed year, I realized that I was submissive. That I want, or more accurately, need to be owned. I just don't know where to find someone who wants to play with me. I'm not a pretty girl, by any standards, but it was never this difficult before to find a guy that would have sex with me. Usually that is frighteningly easy...but I don't want just sex. I want to give up control. I want to be spanked when I am bad (and sometimes just for fun when I'm good!) I have tried having regular "vanilla" sex, but it just leaves me more hungry for submission. For spanking. For hair pulling. For serving. For giving up all control. So I guess my actual question is...how do I find someone who wants to do those things to me?
Thank you in advance, and if you have any advice or suggested reading or words of wisdom for a brand new submissive trying to get her shit together, I would greatly appreciate it!
- K
Hello K
I do understand how it will be for you in wanting to explore your new found feelings and desires in a safe and supportive relationship. It can be very difficult finding someone who you know you can trust, with complementary needs who will care for you and help you fulfil this side of your personality.
Take care. I know subs who have had some very upsetting and difficult experiences in meeting new Doms - especially through contact sites. Though some have had success.
In the UK local groups of people into the scene have occasional meetings called "munches" - just to meet up and talk rather than to scene. They can be a good way to meet new people safely.
You might also meet new friends online through blogs. Maybe start reading blogs of other subs and adding your comments - or even writing to blogger subs who seem friendly. It would be good to have other subs to talk to who have been through what you are going through now and who can offer you advice from personal experience.
I am sure you will find lots of men who want to do those things to you. The trick is to find ones who you can trust and who are interested in your satisfaction as well as their own.
Good luck K
Best wishes
P
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