I have two letters for you this week. I will publish the second later in the week. This first expresses doubt when her Master has become distant.
Hello,
Hello,
I have found your site and seek your advice.
I have only just begun my training following a long, intense and passionate verbal courting. We have shared our commitment as master husband and submissive wife to be together in all things as we explore this new life together, planning for marriage, the merging of our lives, our resources. His is my love, my master in mind, body and soul. I am his now.
Over the past four days he has become distant. Honestly, he is busy with family issues that cropped up suddenly and I believe weigh greatly upon his mind. And yet, he will not speak to me, only text me and tell me he has a lot on his mind right now, apologizing for the lack of communication. I cannot help but think he is second guessing our relationship, and yet, he has told me we are ok and that he loves me.
I will not speak or think ill of him. I feel secure in his love for me, and in mine for him. I stride to master my emotions and paranoia with writing, walking. Yet doubt creeps on quiet feet, making me feel cut off, from my love, my guiding force, insecure.
Perhaps this is part of my training? Perhaps this is merely the vanilla part of our lives? So I am patient, silent. He is so strong, and I want to be there for him, but I do not wish to overstep my sub bounds. And yet, I fear.
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Anonymous
I think if it was part of your training that he should have explained this to you. Otherwise it could be in he realm of issues I discussed in "A Kind Dom" about emotional sadism. Like you I cannot read his mind to understand the real reason for the change. He has tried to reassure you and has told you he loves you so for now perhaps you should be optimistic. It might just be that he has other major issues to deal with at the moment - but it will be worrying for you to know that this distance can come between you.
I am concerned though that he will not speak to you and will only text. He must know you are worried and a few words might reassure you.
So I am unsure too. I wonder what others think?
- Pygar
I think if it was part of your training that he should have explained this to you. Otherwise it could be in he realm of issues I discussed in "A Kind Dom" about emotional sadism. Like you I cannot read his mind to understand the real reason for the change. He has tried to reassure you and has told you he loves you so for now perhaps you should be optimistic. It might just be that he has other major issues to deal with at the moment - but it will be worrying for you to know that this distance can come between you.
I am concerned though that he will not speak to you and will only text. He must know you are worried and a few words might reassure you.
So I am unsure too. I wonder what others think?
- Pygar
His behavior raises all kinds of red flags for me. If you are on your way to becoming husband and wife, such silence can be a death toll for a relationship, even a vanilla one. When someone relies only on text messages, and won't speak, he is hiding something.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman involved in a long-distance relationship, I've only had to tell Daddy once that I need regular telephone contact with him. Once I had my hissy fit, and got so upset over his silence, he immediately apologized, and rectified the situation. Daddy always makes sure that his actions match his words. It reassures me, and allows Daddy to know that I trust him, and no longer need to worry about his silence, or him leaving me when I don't hear from him.
I'm just not seeing any possible benefit from his actions. If this is training, it must be set out clearly for you so that you consent to such actioswn. Remember, this is all about consent - yours and his. It doesn't sound like you're conseenting to his distance, nor are you content with it. Not a good place to be, nor a happy or healthy one.
hugs,
cutesy pah
My friend Dragonfly has also published a response here.
ReplyDeleteI am a Master and my slave is my wife. We have been at this a long time. I greatly respect the thoughts and opinions of Cutesy Pah and therefore I encourage you to pay heed to her words.
ReplyDeleteNone the less I will propose a counter view point. Four days does not seem like red flag territory to me. It is not the best communication style but men are rather famous for this.
To be totally focused on my girl requires a great deal of energy. Sometimes vanilla life makes this nearly impossible. In the beginning when this happened it was very hard to explain it to my girl. The fear of appearing weak can be immobilizing. I suspect your Master is overwhelmed and trying to keep many balls in the air. Quietly and perhaps too much so he is relying on you to be the one that can fall a little further before he catches it.
Show him that strength and allow him time to figure it out. When the time and space are appropriate in the future have a discussion with him about your needs for connection. Let him know how small and seemingly insignificant gesture can make all the difference for your ego.
If he doesn't step up then consider looking for those red flags.
I have been married many years, and if I don't know now that my husband loves me completely and passionately, then I never will.
ReplyDeleteYet, if he doesn't connect with me for four days or so, I can find myself asking,
"Don't you love me anymore?"
He always looks at me dumbfounded. Where did that come from?
Men have a tendency to become very absorbed in solving problems and it is my experience, in those times, they expect their submissive/wife/girlfriend to handle themselves on their own. I certainly would talk to him when he is available to focus on you and explain how it makes you feel, but at this point, I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well I too spent a long time apart from my pet. It was bloody hard on me. I often worried about what I said and how I would carry through with my promises. It was a damned heavy weight and at times I just wanted to be alone. One thing I kept in the front of my mind, one thing I told the pet everytime she felt me get more distant was that I always did what I said I would do. It was calming for us both. If your man has ever made a promise and not followed through THAT would be a red flag. Otherwise I suspect he's just struggling with the situation as much as you are.
ReplyDeleteThese relationships are very intense and contrary to sub folklore, doms are human. Stay with it. If he lies to you ask him why. If you feel he hides from you ask yourself why and try to see if it's to protect you from his current world or if he's just, well, lying. It's hard though being apart. Be fair to yourself and remember you made a choice. You can make other choices. Ultimately, you have to decide if the choice you've made will work.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to imply that you should dump your Master, and run for the hills. I was simply trying to convey the importance of listening to your heart, your gut, and your instincts. Everyone has difference levels of tolerance regarding contact. What I didn't want you to believe was that accepting his silence without question would make you a better submissive. This relationship format is all about choice - no matter whether you are Dominant, Master, slave or submissive.
For me, four days of unexpected, unplanned silence from the man I plan to marry is not ok with me. When Daddy had to be out of the country with no contact with me for 10 days, it was very hard for me. If I didn't hear from him for four days, and the only contact I was allowed was by text, I would be very very suspicious, and hurt.
I hope that all is well with your and yours, and that your fears have been dispelled, and your questions answered to your satisfaction.
hugs,
cutesy pah