I may be submissive ...

I have several questions, but I'll just ask one for right now. I'm 33 and finally come to the realization that I (may) be submissive. I have a tendency to date controlling men...I like a guy to be in control and make most of the decisions, but I don't want a controlling guy, a guy who will tell me I can't see my friends, for example. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound stupid. I like having my freedom, but I do always have this urge to please others. In the bedroom, however, I realize I like to be completely dominated.

I think like a lot of women, I want a guy who's self-confident and self-assured, but not necessarily a controlling, cocky asshole who treats me like crap. But if I were to try to find a Dom, will my age turn off most Dom's? I wish I had realized this in my early twenties, but I'm assuming most Dom's (like most men in general) prefer younger women. Would me being 33 make it harder for my first time Dom?

Thank you sincerely:)

t

Thank you t.

what you said made perfect sense and you certainly do not sound at all stupid. There are many who have controlling desires in some circumstances and a desire to be controlled in others. In particular the difference can be between in the bedroom and in the rest of one's life.

Yes of course you want your freedom - but one can gain freedom at times through letting go and giving someone else the control. It may seem a contradiction but it is one that many are happy to embrace.

Indeed it is important to be clear about the kind of control you want. I think one should be very wary of a dominant who wanted for instance to control who you had as friends. I think that could be quite dangerous and damaging.

There are many for whom submission is just something in the bedroom. However you may find that if you start to get on well with a dominant in the bedroom then "the bedroom" can extend into activities in the real world. It is all about trust and consent and desire.

Yes of course you want a self-confident and self-assured Dom and certainly not one who treats you like crap! That would not be a true Dom in my mind.

Forgive me if I was a bit amused at you worrying about your age! I was very close to a beautiful sub who is two years older than you. At my advance years I was worried about the age difference. To me she was a much younger woman but the age difference did not matter to her as she preferred the maturity and experience of older men. She is very much in demand because of her beauty, her sexuality and her delight in submission - though she too can be very confident and in charge in different situations.

So I do promise you that you are not too old.

I think there are other issues about finding your first time Dom. There are many pretend Doms out there and it can be difficult. But I have perhaps written enough for now and hope that others may offer better advice in the comments.

Conjecture about craving spanking

A has written to me asking about spanking and depression. I have written about depression and submission before here. But A's letter is more specific and directly related in particular to spanking.

Dear Dom,

I first became interested in spanking when unhappily married and resentful of my wife's actions. fantasies at that time were always of spanking her. Later an online friend introduced me to the idea of receiving spankings. Years later I eventually acted on some of these fantasies and have been spanked by woman friends on a number of occasions, and have fantasized about them far more often.

Now I am facing a possible need for anti-depressants and wonder if the desire to be spanked is related to the depression. Depression being anger turned inwards, and possibly thus craving the severe sting of the mistress' paddle and cane on my backside. I am wondering if the craving will dissipate when I am on antidepressant medication. I also wonder if the extra-marital spankings were a way of sexual acting out that is safer than a full blown sexual affair.

Any thoughts about these questions?

best wishes

A.

My response to A was:

I have found that many female sub friends suffer from severe depression and I have often wondered what the relationship may be between submission and depression.

Yes - you may be right about trying to avoid a full blown affair - only you can know that. But thee is the danger it could develop into an affair - and possibly very intense as BDSM relationships tend to have that additional intensity. So if that is likely to be a problem for you, beware!

I wonder though what my readers think? Is A's desire to be spanked related to his depression? Will it be dissipated if his depression is alleviated or cured? Have others had similar experiences?

BDSM without sex or fetish

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A sub's misconceptions about Doms

I have had the following email from M. I wonder if others have more ideas about how to persuade his sub friend that Doms do have feelings and an ability to love - if you too believe that to be the case.

I'm a 40 year old black professional male. Married for ten years with two kids. The past couple of years however I've been yearning for more and have gone considerably to the D/s lifestyle.

As of now, I'm in the midst of a very powerful relationship (currently long-distance and online) in which things are progressing considerably. Since she is fairly young, she has what I believe are several misperceptions about the lifestyle. The biggest one is that Doms are devoid of feelings or don't have an ability to love.

I was wondering your thoughts about this.

Thanks in advance.

--M

I wonder M if some of those misconceptions come from experience or just a misconception from the outside? But if she does believe that is the case then why would she want a relationship with a Dom unless she wishes to be used in an unfeeling way? There are subs who do crave such treatment.

However I am assuming that she does want a loving relationship with a Dom and needs reassurance that Doms are capable of such feeling and want to nurture and care for their sub.

In my own experience and those of other couples I know their D/s relationships are invariably loving. There is something about the commitment of D/s that provides a greater emotional intensity rather than a less emotional one.

I think if she were to read the comments by Doms on my Pygar - A Kind Dom blog she would recognise people who have genuine feelings and who care for and love their subs. Perhaps she might then follow on to read some of their blogs too. Though reading blogs by subs where they describe the nature of their relationships can also give a flavour of this.

Good luck to you both.

avoiding abusive Doms

On my Pygar blog there have been a number of discussions about the issue of abuse and how it is distinguished from Dominance. In a comment to a recent post:

Anonymous said... as a newbie sub, I would appreciate any advice you could give as to how to avoid the abusers...especially when the starting point is meeting online?

That of course is the difficult question. How can one ever know? Does initial online contact make this problem worse rather than easier?

Online anyone can pretend to be anyone they want to I suppose - but I have to say that I have got to know many good people online. I have found that people I have met from my blogs rather than from contact sites have all been genuine. Perhaps it is more difficult to keep up a false facade on an ongoing blog than to maintain a false profile on a contact site.

So perhaps one answer might be to start a blog about your own needs and desires and see if you make friends. Those friendships could turn into something more.

Having said this I have also met some good people through contact sites - one of whom then started her own blog and is a good online friend.

In the end though you will need to trust to your own instincts. Because someone claims to be a Dom it does not mean you have to accept their control and give up your common sense. Trust can take some time to earn and an understanding Dom should realise this. be careful though - I have found that online relationships can become very intense very quickly. Perhaps even more so than real-time ones. So keep your sense of perspective and common sense and ensure that Dom's you meet spend time to earn your trust and respect and recognise the preciousness of the gift you bring.

What do others think? Any tips or advice?

I am sure other subs might have some useful contributions from their own experience.

How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End

Some time ago I published an excerpt from Vivian's ebook "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. She has now published a companion volume to give advice to the person giving the spanking! It is based on real advice from a number of people who enjoy being spanked.

Here is the blurb:
"This 165-page book is designed for partners of people who want to be spanked, and can be used along with "How to Get the Spanking You Want" as a way of communicating about spanking in a relationship. It's written in the same down-to-earth, easy-to-use and compassionate style as the first book (though more with "Mars" in mind!), and contains insights and advice you won't find anywhere else about how to get your partner to fulfill your spanking desires."

I found it fascinating, informative and very useful. It is a great follow up to her first book. She has again given me permission to publish an excerpt which follows below.

EXCERPTED FROM

“How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End”
(Variant Books, 2009, www.HowToGiveaSpanking.com. All rights reserved. Reprinted with Permission.)

c About Resistance

Chances are good that at some point, particularly at the beginning of your spanking experiences, your partner will resist your attempts to spank her.

You may, for example, tell her you’re going to spank her and she says, no way! Or you’re in the middle of spanking her and she stands up and refuses to take the rest of her spanking.

Having your partner resist your attempts to spank her can be, and usually is, confusing and upsetting for you and for her.

If your partner resists, she will probably feel guilty and hypocritical for fighting the very thing she’s worked so hard to get in the first place. After all, spanking was her idea, so she of all people ought not to resist when she’s getting spanked—or so goes her thinking, anyway.

Her situation is further complicated by her desire for consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3, page 80). She probably wants to know that when you say she’s going to get spanked, she’s going to get spanked, period. That means that even if she’s resisting in the moment, later on, she’s likely to feel frustrated and let down because she didn’t have to take the spanking you promised her.

You may be confused and frustrated by her resistance for the same reasons. Isn’t this what she wanted and isn’t it your job to make sure she gets it?

Furthermore, you may find yourself coping with feelings of guilt and shame. Did you do it wrong? Did you spank her too hard? Are you a brute and an abuser?

You can probably see immediately that an episode of resistance that is not handled in a healthy way can do serious damage not only to any future spanking activities, but to the trust and intimacy of the relationship and the psychological well-being of both partners.

Fortunately, you and your partner don’t have to suffer the negative consequences of resistance. You can avoid them almost entirely.

How?

1. By understanding and accepting that resistance to being spanked is probably inevitable at some point.
2. By discussing in advance with your partner what you will do if it happens.
3. By being forgiving of both you and your partner when it does.

Let’s start with the first step: accepting the inevitability of resistance.

If you are in an intimate relationship with a woman, it’s probably not a shocking surprise to you that women’s moods fluctuate dramatically from day to day and even sometimes hour to hour and minute to minute. That means that she may be in the mood for a spanking one minute and then suddenly for what seems to you like no apparent reason, not in the mood for that same spanking the next minute.

In addition, women’s hormonal cycles in particular mean that our emotional and physical tolerance for pain also fluctuates dramatically throughout the course of the month, week and even day. And many people, men and women, are more sensitive to pain when they’re tired, after a shower, when they’re getting a cold, first thing in the morning, or in a variety of other situations. Because of these variations in pain tolerance, you may find that the same spanking that she could accept without resisting yesterday is, today, suddenly too severe for her and she’s not able to hold still for it.

Finally, especially at the beginning of your spanking activity, your partner may find herself surprised by how painful spankings are. Remember that fantasy spankings don’t actually hurt, and if she’s never been spanked before, or hasn’t been spanked in awhile, it’s easy to forget just how much real spankings hurt. The shock of feeling the actual pain of even a mild-but-real spanking can be overwhelming for her.

In short, sooner or later (and probably sooner), your partner will resist your attempt to spank her. So it’s important to go to the second step of the coping-with-resistance plan: discussing it ahead of time.

Acknowledging the reality of resistance with your partner before it happens can do a lot to alleviate the guilt and shame that either or both of you might feel when it happens. If you have both agreed that it’s going to happen and that it’s a natural part of the process, you are both much less likely to believe that you did something wrong when it does inevitably happen.

In addition, having a plan for what to do when resistance happens will help both of you navigate through this challenging situation more safely.

A word of caution: Most people who want to be spanked have fantasies in which they resist the spanking and are forced to take it anyway. Your partner may fantasize that you will verbally force her to continue (“If you don’t bend back over, you’ll get another spanking after this one.”), or physically force her back into position, or even tie her up or otherwise restrain her so she has no choice but to take her spanking.

Resistance fantasies can be tremendously exciting, but especially at the beginning of a spanking relationship, they can also be unrealistic and dangerous. If your partner suggests that you force her to take the spanking even if she resists, my strong recommendation is not to agree to this well-meaning suggestion.

You can probably already see why forcing her to submit to a spanking early in your relationship would be a bad, bad idea.

Remember that section earlier in the book about keeping yourself safe? (see Chapter 1, “Keeping Yourself Safe”) Forcing your partner to take a spanking before you have lots (and lots!) of experience spanking her puts you in a dangerous situation.

First of all, you may risk legal liability if she decides that a consensual spanking has turned into non-consensual abuse. Second, the emotional damage to you that could come from forcing someone you love to submit to what is essentially a beating can have serious psychological effects on you. You may experience feelings of guilt and concerns that you have turned into an abuser for forcing her into a spanking.

Your partner probably won’t fare much better in the forced submission scenario. Though it sounds romantic and exciting, being forced into taking a spanking will likely activate her “fight or flight” instinct. Her lizard brain will likely interpret her resistance as an indication that her survival is being threatened, and instead of feeling good feelings of endorphins, she is likely to feel the terror and panic of a “fight-for-your-life” adrenaline rush.

In short, forcing a woman to submit to a spanking when she doesn’t want to is about on par with giving a cat a bath. The cat will retreat to a corner, hissing and spitting, you’ll probably wind up scratched and bloody, and when all is said and done, the cat still won’t get the bath. It’s a lot of trouble with no real results.

Neither of you needs that aggravation and pain. Which is why the plan of forcing her to submit if she resists is probably an unwise plan until you both know each other a lot better.

And finally, when resistance happens, it’s important that you both take the time to reassure one another that there is no cause for guilt or shame. She may need help seeing that you aren’t taking her resistance as some sort of proof that she doesn’t really want spankings or that she’s a failure at something that means so much to her.

In addition – and this is key – it’s probably vital that you not let her out of the spanking entirely just because she resisted. Remember, whatever happened, she almost certainly still wants consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3). That means she doesn’t want to be let out of the spanking, even if she resists in the moment. Make it clear to her that while you understand her resistance, she still has a spanking coming and you intend to give it to her. She may need a few minutes, a few hours or a day to gather her courage back up (you’ll need to determine the time frame), but the spanking is non-negotiable. She will love you for it.

When does a traditional relationship become a D/s one?

(I intend to be less active in blogging for the time being. I will continue to publish interesting emails here for others to comment on but most likely without my own comments. Thank you to all who have helped get this blog going. P xxx)

Pygar,

First thanks for taking the time to create your Blog. I found it yesterday in a search for some answers. I keep coming back to the same vague answers. I think this might be in part to the fact that D/s might be somewhat different for each couple. I would like to preface this question with a little information an background about myself. White male living in S.F. Bay Area of California. I’m in my early thirties in age. I have strong values an find a deep admiration for the traditional roles of a man and woman in a relationship. Something akin to what my grandparents had. A husband who is a provider an guardian, and a wife who is a home maker and care giver. It just seems to be the natural order of things. My most recent Girlfriend was very much into kinks. She allowed me to explore some of these with her and I found out that I too , shared the some of the same kinks and some that might be a bit darker. Her social group of Girl friends are of like mind when it comes to the bedroom. All are submissive women by nature. All commented on my Dominating personality and character. Pointing out things to me about myself that I never noticed or took for granted that it’s the way Men are supposed to behave. My question is this:

At what point does it go from being a traditional unit of a Man and woman to being a D/s relationship. Is the sex the axis it pivots on? I mean if it was vanilla sex but the woman was still submissive and the Man just as Dominant wouldn’t it still be the same relationship of trust, protection, adoration, caring an love?

I guess my hardest hurdle is dealing with the labels. I don’t see myself as being a “Dominant” Male. I’m just a Man. I do see weaker Men in crowds at any social event, so I’m familiar with social hierarchy. Alpha Males and so on. I see the same in women. I can see how personality types naturally gravitate towards one another, and when they don’t mesh well, how they retract from one another.

In closing, I guess what I really want to know is, Can there be D/s minus the clothes pins?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Curiously awaiting your reply,

- H

~~~~~~

Dear H

Can there be D/s without the clothes pins? It is usually subs who ask me that question! LOL I like the clothes pins!!!!

Fortunately my favourite sub friend does too! But of course the answer is that you can make it whatever you want There are far too many hang-ups on language and definitions and what is real D/s and what isn't. There seem to be D/s and BDSM police around trying to tell us all what is and what isn't real BDSM.

My own advice is just go with the flow. Develop those parts of your character that you feel comfortable with in the context of your relationships. For myself I ofen play down those aspects in real life and enjoy being able to express them in the context of a BDSM relationship. I am naturally a kind and gentle man... so how is it I can get off on BDSM activities?

There are many dichotomies and contradictions in this area.

And what is and what isn't a D/s relationship ... when does it become D/s? Does one have to draw a line and decide?

I would be interested in others comments.

Good luck

Pygar