"Is my Dom abusing me"

I seem to have been discussing that a lot recently on A Kind Dom so it was interesting to receive an email recently from someone describing herself as a "New Sub" which had that title. She and her partner are both new to the world of BDSM and are in a new relationship. That brings about lots of very understandable fears.

Enough though of my preamble. Hear what she had to say,

Hi,

I am extremely lost and confused and have no where to turn, please help.

I am brand new to the D/S world and found myself in a D/s relationship by accident. We have been together for about 2 months now, and everything is still very new.  He was very open from the start about his desires, and I found myself very interested (surprisingly so). We agreed to keep it mainly in the bedroom for now. He admits that he is also very new to this, and has had only some short D/s experiences.  However, since he admits to being new I find myself not trusting his commands a lot of the time, which (of course) creates a problem.  I also find myself resisting (very strongly resisting) certain tasks.  For instance, he often commands that I do "assignments" like cook him dinner, plan a date, or think of ways I can sexually please him more and demonstrate at our next meeting (seemingly normal commands).  I have since done all of those things(and enjoyed doing them), but not when he has commanded.  When he commanded them (these were all over the phone) I instantly felt this strong resistance and anger. In the vanilla world I have a dominant personality, and as such, these things seem to be against my very nature. Also, I think my resistance stems from the fact that even when I do "extra" things to please him I do not feel these are being acknowledged, or at least not enough/in the right way.  For instance, I have been exercising 5 days a week to try to enlarge my behind, and as such I am often very sore. However, he doesn't adjust the positions for my soreness and seems to have the attitude that I should "suck it up." This really angers me as I am doing this for him (partially of course) and he can't even make small adjustments for me? I almost feel as if nothing will ever be enough, although to his credit he does acknowledge and say that he liked "x", and that I'm a "good girl".  However, often he demonstrates how pleased he is by demanding I perform oral on him (discussed below), or doing something else that gives HIM sexual pleasure. This is not how I would like him to express that I have done a good job, or at least not all the time. I'm not sure how he could improve on making me feel appreciated (he says allowing me to give him pleasure is my treat--which I agree to a limited extent) and as such it's difficult for me to discuss it with him. 

Also, sexually I feel like it is very one-sided.  He is very into anal, and I am an anal virgin.  I agreed to try, and he has been very warm and patient, but it has been large focus.  As of yet I have derived only slight pleasure (more so discomfort) from this anal journey, and would prefer to stop or cut down significantly, but continue as it makes him happy.  Additionally, his commands largely focus on me performing oral.  I feel like I am giving him entirely too much oral (50-60% of the sexual experience giving him oral (sometimes more!), 30-40% anal, 10% everything else).  When I realized it would be like this every time, I addressed this with him and he disagrees, he does not think he commands too much oral, and he says I am infringing upon the dynamic asking him to change.... this greatly concerns me, and honestly angers me. After a long talk he says he will make some adjustments, but I have a strong feeling oral will still be the center focus. He believes the dynamic requires 65% (him) to 35% (me) ratio of sexual focus/pleasure (although he admits that it has not been that ratio). And honestly, I want him to be happy, and if that's what he wants maybe he should find a girl to give it to him, right?  ***it should be noted that I often want to give him oral pleasure, just not to the extent he demands. And I am now finding myself resenting him for demanding it so extensively**

My anger and resistance make me wonder if I am not submissive, but rather just prefer kinky sex with a dominant personality... (is there a difference?) How can I tell if I am submissive (I've taken quizzes that say I am)?  I'm not sure how to tell if I just have a bad dom or if I'm not into this world as much as my body seems to want it. If I was truly submissive wouldn't I always be satisfied simply pleasing him? But doesn't he also have to take care of me (emotionally and physically), isn't that also part of the dynamic? Is he right, am I overstepping my submissive role by requesting more pleasure (focus on me)? Or, is he abusing me, or rather, being a bad dom? 

I feel like I've mentioned only the negative qualities of him. I genuinely like him as a person, and also enjoy his personality outside of the bedroom. At times I feel extreme arousal, more arousal than I have ever felt, and true desire to be submissive, but I also feel extreme anger at times and resistance.  I'm not sure if what he is asking for is completely normal for a D/s relationship and I am wrong for challenging it.  I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles but can't find an answer for this concern.  

Any advice is greatly appreciated! 

Sincerely,

Blackpurse

My reply was,

Thank you Blackpurse

Being new to such a world where there is so much at stake and emotions, feelings and thoughts are so heightened is a difficult time for anyone. Do browse through some of the Uncle Agony questions - and also the topics on A Kind Dom. There is much kind concern and thoughtful help from people in the community for those who are new to it and struggling.

Having said that - there is no need to feel one is entering a club with certain membership rules. Basically you have started a new relationship and should treat it the same as any other relationship. Ultimately it is whether it is working out for you. Does it have the potential to fulfil you, to meet your needs, to make you happy? It is not about rules and assignments and commands. It is about you. There is no perfect bdsm scenario. No right way. No wrong way. Do what works right for you both and work out together what is right for you both.

You write, "... it's difficult for me to discuss it with him." BDSM relationships are built on good communications. It is essential to be able to discuss hopes and fears, wants and desires, struggles and limits. Without good communications leading to trust, respect and commitment any such relationship can be dangerous.

I feel that BDSM and D/s are built on a good relationship. Yes, they can strengthen such relationships, make them stronger and more intense but there needs to be a ground rock of care and respect to enable this potential.

I worry, and I know regular readers of my blogs would be too, that with both of you being new to this world there is lots of potential for harm and things going wrong. He sounds as if he is trying hard to be a Dominant while still searching for that role within himself. He fears to listen to your own fears lest that appear a weakness. To be a strong Dominant one needs to know the needs of their submissive, be able to show care and respect for them and to have the skills and knowledge to ensure they are always safe. That is the least a submissive should expect. A submissive too has responsibilities. They need to be strong. Strong to be able to cope with demands that are challenging and stretch their preconceived notions. However they need too to be strong enough to know when it is not working, to be able to communicate this and yes, sometimes, to be able to walk away.

I think it is very early days yet - and you should be able to both have fun exploring the possibilities of your roles and relationship.

If it is kept "mainly in the bedroom for now" then that gives lots of time outside of the bedroom to discuss, plan and make sure it can work for both of you.

You like him, enjoy his personality, have become extremely aroused. So there is lots of potential to make it work well. However if you are so often getting angry then things are not right - and if he has not picked up on that then it is a concern. These are very early days. I am sure it can be made to work if you both have a commitment to it. I hope his commitment is as strong as yours.

Good luck Blackpurse. I truly hope it works out for you.

Very best wishes

Pygar

There are always difficulties in a new relationship. New BDSM relationships are no exception to that. However where both are new to BDSM as well then there is possibly potential for further difficulties and, as Blackpurse said in her header, "abuse". Do readers have any constructive advice they can give her?

Is it time to release her... ?

Graham has written a few times about his relationship. You can read earlier discussions here, here and here.

I have just heard from him again. He writes,

Pygar

Thought I would provide an update and could use yours and your readers thoughts

My girl still feeling terrible guilt over our relationship. She loves me deeply, but feels she is being dishonest, deceitful and selfish in regards to her husband and children who are not aware of our relationship.

Since we live close enough, I have wanted to be with her; but her fear of being discovered continues to hold her back and actually limits what we can do if and when we get together.

I am very physical, and it's that aspect that causes her the most problem. She has told me if we eliminated the physical aspect (in real time) she can deal with her feelings in good conscience.

That just doesn't work for me. I want and need a complete relationship which includes some physicality.

We care deeply for each other, love each other unlike any others. I hate to see the stress and trauma she feels from her guilt, deceit, dishonest.

She knows she can't get from her husband what I give her, but she can't handle the guilt the relationship brings.

I love and want this girl very much, she is my one.....but I'm thinking if I truly act in her best interests, if I care, I should offer or in fact let her go....release her.

We have been thru so much....but this is impacting her...and I hate to be the cause of her stress.

Your thoughts?

My thoughts? Well I think Graham has worked it out for himself when he writes,

I love and want this girl very much, she is my one.....but I'm thinking if I truly act in her best interests, if I care, I should offer or in fact let her go....release her.

We have been thru so much....but this is impacting her...and I hate to be the cause of her stress.

So yes, if he truly does want to "act in her best interests, if I care," then should he "offer or in fact let her go....release her."

So I wonder what readers think. Is this the inevitable end? Should Graham release her?

so lost

I have received this email from Janet. She feels so very lost. Can you help her find her way forward?

Hello,

I've been trying to talk to friends and Samaritans about what I did, but it's just not helping.

I've been trying to talk to my boyfriend ( of about 6 years) that I want to explore polyamory. It's been tricky but we were getting somewhere, slowly but surely. I've also developed an intense attraction to a man who is currently in another country, I think it's part of what prompted me to talk more about polyamory. I've had these feelings for years long before I even met my boyfriend but tried to ignore them.

I caved I was on a night out for the first time in a long and I got a little drunk and kissed two of my female friends. While this happened I was sending very flirtatious messages to the other man. A few days later even though my boyfriend forgave me for kissing my friends I couldn't help it, for weeks it had been building up and I had text sex with the other man... Text sex hasn't done much for me in years but this did! It really did and in the middle of things I called him Master.

My boyfriend found out, even though I deleted the conversations. He's been very depressed ever since. I've tried explaining to him that I don't love him any less, that there is nothing he's not doing for me. I can't bring myself to say "He appeals to a side of me you just cant understand." 

We've agreed to go to counseling and he's finally calming down so I can try and tell him how I feel. Although I'm not sure what good it will do because he's admitted he would never have be willing to let me explore my sexuality at all with another man, only a woman. But how, how the hell do I explain why I'm upset he wont let me talk to him anymore? I love my boyfriend but I feel like I'm in pain without Master.

I feel so guilty for what I've done and I want to mend my relationship, but there are times I can't be around my boyfriend. I feel trapped and restrained. I know this is an awful, awful thing to say... But I resent him for it.

I also have no idea how to tell him that when I slept with him after the text sex but before he found out that it wasn't out of guilt. I felt alive! But when he touches me now there are times I just can't...

Any and all help appreciated.

My reply was:

You do sound as if you are finding a resolution to your current dilemmas very hard. You love your boyfriend but you know there are other aspects to your personality that you are not developing and expressing. You are unfulfilled and you can see a future that is not going to work for you. It is making you feel guilty, trapped and resentful. These are very difficult decisions. In the end they are decisions that only you can make. However even finding the words to write about the issues can sometimes help get them straight in your own mind. I hope that the very act of writing has been helpful. 

The key issue is that you have desires and needs that your boyfriend cannot or does not wish to meet. You need a polyamorous relationship yet he feels very threatened by that. I am sure many men would feel the same when a beautiful girlfriend expressed a need to have sex with other men. To be able to reassure him you will need to try to understand what his feelings and fears are. He may be very confused and frightened of losing you. The fact that you have gone to relationship therapy together to try to resolve it shows a commitment and willingness to understand the other on the part of both of you which is very positive.

I hope you do find a way of resolving these issues but it may be very difficult. I know a number of women who are in marriages and long term relationships where they have submissive needs that are not being met by their husband. Some of them put up with the situation. Others develop a secret life. Whichever they chose they are all unhappy in varying degrees. You will find some questions from women in this situation on Uncle Agony I think. So my worry is that if you do not resolve this situation with your boyfriend now and try to be faithful to him then in the longer term you too may experience this long term unhappiness.

There seem to be two issues. One is the polyamory and the other seems to be a bdsm aspect. You have called your new man "Master" so I am assuming that you are also exploring submissive or bdsm experiences with him. There are two aspects here that have a desire for and have not yet had the opportunity to explore and experience fully. It may only be that through a fuller exploration you will discover what your true needs are. The problem then is trying to find someone to fulfill them. That could be your boyfriend if he is prepared to go on this journey with you. At the moment though he seems frightened by it and frightened of losing you. Though if he is not prepared to go at least half way then he may lose you anyway.

First of all the polyamory issue. I wonder if you are looking for polyamorous relationships or polysexual ones? There is a big difference. I discussed this on the A Kind Dom blog here: http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/polyamorous-or-polysexual.html

Are you truly looking for a relationship of several people with a close emotional bond or are you looking for a wider variety of sexual encounters? The latter might be closer to "swinging". Is it partly that you would like to explore further your burgeoning bisexuality? Your boyfriend seems happier about you having relationships with other women. Might that be a place to start? If you found a broadminded female friend perhaps your boyfriend might be interested in joining your relationship. If the polyamory or polysexuality started in this way then perhaps your boyfriend might become happier about you also meeting with men if he was reassured about the context and a lack of threat to your own relationship. We men are very fragile creatures emotionally despite our hard outer shell! He may need lots of reassurance.

There have been a number of other discussions on A Kind Dom about plolyamory some of which link to articles. You may find them useful reading. They are here:
http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2008/12/poly-relationships.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/polyamory.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/polyamory-2-what-women-want.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/on-having-your-cake-and-eating-it.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/back-from-berlin-and-another-article.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/unfaithful-3-is-polyamory-solution.html

Then what about your desire for a "Master".Does your relationship with your boyfriend have a D/s aspect? Is a search for this partly why you want relationships with another man? How strong are your submissive feelings (if any). Is it rather that you have an eagerness for more kinky or experimental sex? Can your boyfriend meet any of these needs or is part of the need for it to be with someone else? Is there any "cuckolding" aspect of this where you gain power over your boyfriend through having sex with others?

There is no judgement intended in any of the above. I am asking questions in the hope that in thinking through the answers it might give you a clearer view of exactly what you want and the extent to which your boyfriend can be encouraged to be part of this. If it works well it could enhance your relationship into something so much more. However I am sure you are aware that the other possibility is that it could herald the end of your relationship.

You have some very hard if not almost impossible decisions.

Good luck with them.

Can you help reader? Is there a way that Janet can work through this with her boyfriend or does she need a new start to explore her desires and develop her personality?

Graham's update

Graham wrote to Uncle Agony with a relationship here. He wrote in again with an update here. In summary his partner is married and her guilt and fears of getting caught have resulted in a number of strategies including an online relationship.

The relationship seemed to have developed in very positive ways as Graham describes below. However Graham is finding it difficult to know how to cope with his partner's feelings of guilt.

Thought I would provide an update and ask you and your readers for some thoughts

Since last September we have been very committed to our relationship and our love has grown.

We took a vacation together where we experienced all the physical experiences we have been wanting and needing......

But there is one aspect that nags at us....and that is why I'm writing

At times as you know our relationship seems like a roller coaster ride.

This comes from her deep need regarding her submission....and the guilt she feels from being married ( our relationship is secret) and her desire not to hurt her family and friends if she (we) are discovered.

At times she says she can't look at herself in the mirror - over the "fraud" she is committing. .....and then feels inclined to back off.

This of course is the opposite where I would like things to go, but her fear about being in public, doing touching in a car, even getting a hotel room, has little appeal for her. I'm ok anyway I can to be together.....and would like more.

I suggested we lease an apartment, or buy a condo or motor home.....and while initially she thought that was a good thing......the guilt overwhelmed her and she doesn't want to talk about .

She has been married over 30 years with wonderful children and good friends and she doesn't want to hurt anyone.....but she says I am the only one who can give her all that she needs and wants. We do love eachother very much.

I want to care and support her everyday I can.....but when these guilt feelings come over her....I'm not sure what I can do to help.

Any thoughts?

Graham

I replied,

I know of many women whose husband could not or would not meet their submissive needs who have taken on clandestine relationships purely to meet that need. However they continue to love their family and husband. That is what causes the guilt.

You say she loves you and of course in a way she does because you meet her needs and have a close and intimate relationship and enjoy spending time together. However she has another life that she does not want to give up and knows she is in danger of causing severe hurt and distress to people she loves who have done nothing to deserve it.

If you want to help her then you need to try to understand her and recognise that this is not a rejection of you but a natural response to the necessary secrecy of her life with you and what she may see as a betrayal of those closest to her. If you truly wish her to be fulfilled then you need to work with her to try to address and resolve those issues. I worry you may just want the issues to disappear so you can each enjoy what you have together. I don't think though that it is going to disappear and there is little you can do that will help that happen. What you can do is to recognise her distress, understand it and try to help her find her own way of coming to terms with it.

Does that make any sense?

So readers, what do you think? What should Graham do?

Can a vanilla man with a dominant personality keep his kinky girlfriend?

I have often received emails from female submissives who are frustrated that their boyfriend/husband is vanilla and asking for advice. Then a few days ago I received an email that discussed the situation from the vanilla partner's point of view. John wrote to me as follows,

"Hey.

I honestly stumbled across your blog after searching the term “help, my BF is Vanilla”. Sorry about the length I have to get this out to someone...

I met Sarah (*name changed) approximately 7 months ago; she moved in after one month of dating. I was looking for a housemate, she was looking for a room – it just kind of worked out… although it was odd dating and living together so soon.

About 4 months in to our relationship I opened up my laptop and Sarah's emails were open. She had been regularly writing to a “Daddy” and they had met like 15 times over a 2 month period for spanking sessions. Shit hit the fan as you can imagine. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t come to me for spanking. I treat her like an absolute princess; but I’m also a dominant kinda guy; I’m certainly not one to be controlled; I do the controlling.

She told me she really has a thing for older men. Anyway; we decide to give it another shot. I am actually nice and tell her she can see her “Daddy”, she just needs to be honest and open with me. I have a thing for escorts; and when I’m with the escort I like to be dominant; so if it has to be an older guy that she “needs” to see; then that’s OK – when she see’s him; I can see an escort… fair deal. She decides she doesn’t want to see him; she wants to “work things out with me”.

She is a bit awkward at times; and I have to be honest, it wasn’t the “Daddy” thing that got to me, it was the lies. Anytime I saw any bruising near her bum, I would freak out. It happened several times; but she swore she hadn’t seen him. Trust, became a big thing. Anytime she was on her phone, i'd get anxious.

I opened up the laptop today; her emails were open again. She had been trying to find a new apartment. I asked her what the hell was going on; and she said, “sometimes I don’t think we’ll work – that was one of those days”… it was 4 days ago. I asked her to leave; and she said it was best if we ended

Then I opened up her facebook (it was on my laptop)…

- She had planned to meet a guy for a spanking a month ago
- On Jan 5th she told a couple in NYC that she has been talking to for years (they've had kink sessions together), she was going to be breaking up with her BF in a week or two, he’s too Vanilla
- She set up a new Fetlife account about 4 months ago and is the sub of a guy named “headmaster”; AND has been continuing to see her Daddy even though she told me she wasn't... which explains all the late nights at work!

… She has basically been outright lying to me (And I could sense something was up... so I basically had a reason to be getting anxious!)

Now, I’m not an angel. I regularly pay webcam girls; after I found out about the Daddy, I cheated on her twice in a two day span (once with an escort and once with some girl at a conference).

BUT… I was honest, I told her, and tell her everything!!!

Here’s the thing. Put the BDSM thing aside. We get on really well. We have all the same interests, we have the same values… it’s just this one thing. Oh, and even though I’m quite a dominant guy; our sex life is awful. It’s her giving me a BJ and then she gets on top. That’s it. That really is it; every time. And if not the BJ, just the straight sex. It’s not what either of us want.

So, what do I do about her? Is she a lost cause? She’s been going behind my back OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP! But I love her. I really love her. Yes, I may pay webcam girls to play with each other, but once it’s done, all I want to do is cuddle up to Sarah.

It's like she's two girls. One that cuddles up to me, makes me Dinner, plays boardgames with me etc etc, and then a Fetlife Sl*t (she used the term not me). I can deal with the Fetlife Sl*t; I can't deal with the fact that she'd rather open up to a complete stranger about her kinks than me; SHE CAN TRUST ME!

Is there any way to get her to open up to me? I might not be the right guy to spank her, but I JUST WANT HER TO BE HONEST WITH ME. If she was honest, and told me that she wanted to go get spanked senseless by an older guy whilst I was fucking some hooker on a couch; and then we’d meet up and have dinner, then cuddle up o a couch and watch a movie… I’d be cool with that!!!

I just don’t know what to do. It’s like, on one page we’re perfect but on another, I don’t know who she is. Is this girl a lost cause? Like, if only the BDSM thing didn't exist, she'd be perfect wife material :( And, if only I didn't have a thing for phone sex with escorts i'd be perfect BF material. No other GF has accepted it, but she has. And I WOULD ACCEPT THE SPANKING ETC... IF SHE WAS HONEST... she just lies SO MUCH!

Please respond; I don't know anyone else I can ask about this!

John."

I replied,

"Hello John

Thanks for your interesting email. I'm sorry things are not going well in your relationship at the moment. I do hope you find some way of resolving it but it is not looking promising at the moment! I often get emails from women who are into spanking or submission but cannot get their boyfriends or husbands to dominate them. It is interesting to get an email describing the situation from the other side. Your girlfriend describes you as being too vanilla yet you are dominant and would be prepared to take that role with her yet she still seems to need something else. You too explore other sexual needs elsewhere and are prepared to have an open relationship with her. So in theory there should be a way of sorting this out.

The one thing that seems to stand in the way is that you feel she is being dishonest with you. If you cannot trust each other then a D/s relationship is never going to work. In fact some level of trust has to be restored before you can start to rebuild your vanilla relationship. She may feel aggrieved that you have been reading her private correspondence even though it was inadvertently left open.

I think a lot of talking and serious discussion is needed if that trust is to be re-established so that you can move forward. My worry is that it is already too late.

However if you genuinely love her then it is important that you talk - and that you are sure you are listening clearly to her also. It is important to be honest - and to give her the space to be honest as well. Can you both find a way of doing this without it becoming an argument? If you can find a way of structuring it so that you both feel that you have had your opportunity to say what you feel and have been listened to, each with a genuine attempt to understand the other then there is the possibility of moving forward. It will need a commitment from each of you.

It may though just be that your strong feelings for her are not reciprocated. In such a case then perhaps no amount of discussion is going to work.

Be honest with her and ask her to be honest with you. Then you can each decide if a continuing relationship can work out. It may well be that you can negotiate something worthwhile within an open context.

Good luck with it.

Pygar"

So what advice would you give to John? Can it be talked through or are they incompatible? Would an open relationship work for each of them? Or is it a matter of honesty?