An email from Mary in response to the previous post

In the post below, "Should I leave my partner to explore my submissive desires?", there was a very supportive discussion in response to Mary's dilema.

Mary has now written me an email to give an update. She writes,

I wondered if you could post this email up on your blog, to say thankyou to all the people who took the trouble to read and give their helpful advice to my recent email. I am in the process of separating from my partner, and, although my heart has been shattered by this decision and by the loss of my Mum, I feel it is the right thing to do. I need to feel whole again.

It remains to be seen whether I fully embrace my submissiveness, although I feel, in my gut, that this process has already started.

I’m going to give myself the time I need to let myself heal from recent tragedies and make a decision when I feel the time is right.

It’s so good to know that there are people out in the world who are kind and generous enough to give sensible and heartfelt advice to others.
Thankyou all again.

Thank you, Mary, for updating us all on how things are going for you. I am pleased you have found the advice and support of readers helpful. I am sure they will all share with me in wishing you good luck.

Should I leave my partner to explore my submissive desires?

I received an interesting email recently from Mary. She has been going through a difficult time recently. Is now the time to leave her partner and explore her submissive nature? This is what she wrote:

I’m writing to you in the hope that you’ll be able to help me find a way through a very difficult situation.

In January of this year, I lost my mother to cancer, and soon after, began to have regular chats online with a male friend. This man is a friend of both my partner and I, and I know that he has always found me attractive.

Gradually, we got to know more about each other, and he has opened a Pandora’s Box. Through talking, I have found out that I have deep rooted sub desires, desires that I have suppressed, probably since I was a child.

I feel that my grief has brought a lot of uncomfortable truths to the surface, and I now have to face them.

He has been a Dom for a great many years, and has a lot of experience.

He wants me to be his sub and life partner, although I am in a relationship. This relationship is not going well, and may have to end. I can’t see a way forward. I am strongly drawn to exploring these sub desires, with him, as I feel that it could go a long way to making me rediscover myself.

I’m very unhappy and depressed, and I want to experience being a sub. Now it’s been uncovered, I don’t think I can suppress it any longer.

I wondered whether anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they coped with it.

It’s tearing me apart.

Thanks. x

There seemed to be a number of issues here so I replied:

I am sorry you are feeling so unhappy and distressed. You are asking if anyone else may have been in a similar situation in the hope they may be able to offer advice from their own experience. I hope readers will feel free to comment.

For what it is worth here are my own few thoughts - though I have no special claim to wisdom and in the end you will need to decide yourself what is the best way forward.

Major events such as bereavement can often make one reflect on their lives and question them. That is perfectly natural and quite common. So I know you are not alone there.

While reflecting on your life and reviewing possibilities is good and positive, making life changing decisions when in a state of depression may not always be the best timing.

You say that your relationship with your current partner is not going well and may have to end. May I ask if you have any children together and whether your decision will therefore also affect others?

There seem to be a couple of different interrelated issues to consider. The first is your relationship with your present partner. I wonder if you had not started the online relationship with your Dom friend whether you would be still dissatisfied with your current relationship. Might you have been considering him anyway even if you did not have another relationship on the horizon? I suppose I am asking whether you are considering leaving him for someone else or because you need to leave him anyway for your own sanity and growth.

The next question is whether you should start a relationship with your Dom friend and explore your submissive desires. This seems to me to be a separate issue from whether you want to leave your current partner and should perhaps be decided as such.

In starting to explore submission with a new partner there are serious issues of trust to be thought through. It sounds as if you have known this man ell for some time in other contexts and so know him well. He says he wants to commit to you and become your life partner. These are big promises when as yet if I understand correctly you are platonic friends who have been exploring other possibilities online. Neither of you yet can be sure that a Dom/sub relationship will work for you. You are eager to discover your true nature but are not sure yet what it is.

It might be that you are very lucky and you have found a man who will help you explore your nature and express your desires within a loving and caring relationship. It may be that he has the skills to be able to help you explore. But do you know that? I wonder how much you know of that side of his life and his own needs, desires and nature.

In the end you must decide. It could be an exciting journey. However it has its own dangers and pitfalls. So take care Mary.

Good luck. I do hope you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with and that it brings you some lasting happiness and fulfillment.

I know that Mary would be very pleased to receive comments from readers.

starting anew

In an earlier post, She only wants an online relationship ... can it work? Graham wrote about his doubts about making an online relationship work. I head from him later that he hand his girl had sadly split up. He wrote,

I'm afraid this story does not have a happy ending.
While both of us love each other, we were not able to reconcile the physicality aspect.
I wanted and needed to express that part of me and she did not. Ultimately, she chose that path because she did not want the risk nor to be the cause of any hurt to others. She said she just doesn't need it
I am terribly sad - even devastated to think I lost the girl I loved so deeply.
She told me just to go find the girl who will fulfill my needs
Not so simple, and not something I truly want in my heart
I love and want her. Not something I can turn on and off like a switch

Then I received another email from him. It seems he and his girl are back together and trying to make it work,

Pygar and Baby Girl
I find myself in new territory and I would appreciate your thoughts about this.
Both my "old" girl and I are totally miserable over the concept of moving on and not being together. We both don't want it, but some damage has occurred.
We actually are discussing what we might be able to do to reconcile the differences between what I want and want she is willing to do.
Afterall, we do love each other and we want to be together.
The discussion are very open and frank, and center on the "more I want and need" and her feeling totally comfortable and safe, along with some guilt because she doesn't want to hurt her husband in any way.
Whether this can result in something that works for us remains to be seen and any advise and opinion you can offer will be greatly appreciated.....
because as you know I want us to work.
the interesting issue is if we can "reconcile" - how do we get totally back into our routine. I shook her confidence and created huge uncertainly by saying it was time to move on.
I have never been in a relationship where this occurred and then got back into it.
She most likely will always wonder why I ended it..........and will be cautious and reserved. im not sure if there is anything I can say or do to remove the uncertainly which is plaguing her.
How do we return to the total dynamic we had..........and if we do "more" - she might resent it...as her way of staying in this..even though she didn't want it to go there initially.
how does she totally love without reservation - be totally obedient.....after all this?
Can you get back into this..........?
Thanks

Well ... I'm really not sure. Has the nreak up totally destroyd the dynamic? Can Graham and his girl make it work? Can they start afresh? I am sure he would welcome any thoughts and advice that readers may have.

She only wants an online relationship ... can it work?

While I was still in Shanghai I received this email from Graham. He is in love and wants a real time D/s relationship but his girl only wants online ...

Hi Pygar

I must say before I continue how much I enjoy your blog. I find your writing excellent and thought provoking; and your content very topical.  I could use your advice. I am in my third D/s relationship in my life. And I must tell you everyone is quite different.

My girl and I did not start out expecting or even wanting to be in a relationship - we became friends. - then fell in love and now we are in this thing. It's wonderful and difficult at the same time.

I am romantic, driven by love....and that makes all things possible.  The "challenges" stem from the fact that my girl only wants an online relationship. That by itself has challenges when you want so much to be actually doing what you describe. You want to be tying the rope, not having her do it. 
You also want the moments, sexual or not, to be precious, fun, exciting and have as much of a degree as real as can be.

My girl does not cam, phone, FaceTime or any other means other than typing in a box. You can tell I would like more, but that will never be possible.

She is married, with a family, and has a very active sexual life with her husband. So being with me isn't the number one priority and our time together must be according to her availability and schedule.

Seeing her is possible, but the risk of being discovered is a overwhelming concern of hers. ( I am more comfortable with risk)

I very romantic and affectionate, so she doesn't always follow my simple rules and protocols all the time. Actually punishing one online is challenging.

I can not mark her in any way.

I am in love with her....want more....and find myself thinking about wanting to actually do what I think about.

I'd like your thought about how to support such a dynamic over the long run....so we don't run out of steam. I need to keep our intimacy exciting, arousing and stimulating - while meeting the needs and wants we both have from our relationship.

Communicating only in a box is difficult, because expression and reflection are lost; and one can assume and misinterpret what is being said.

Trust can easily be swayed. So please, I'd like to hear your thoughts one keeping the bright light fully illuminated over the long run, keeping intimacy exciting, how to effectively punish in this dynamic, and dealing with the desire to do more...and raise the bar.

Many thanks

Graham

I replied,

Hello Graham

Thanks for your interesting email - thank you also for the compliments on the blog.

First can I say that in the past I have found that online relationships van be very, very intense. There is something about the written word that can be very powerful. I have become very close to subs online and have some lasting friendships. I have also had some very powerful real life encounters that have resulted from initial online relationships.

It can work - if you both want it to and are committed to it.

It is different from real time. There is of course not the direct physical contact but the emotional and psychological side can be even stronger.

Yes you can punish online. If she is not following your protocols and instructions then that needs discussing and sorting out in just the same way as if she was finding it difficult to carry out your instructions face to face.

In the end it will come down to the level of commitment that each of you are prepared to give to it. If you both want to make it work then it can do. However you may find that it just does not work for you in which case you will have to be honest about that too.

Best wishes

Pygar

My reply was very hurried while I was away. I wonder if readers may have more thoughtful and insightful suggestions? Do add them to the comments. Thanks.