Friday, July 19, 2013

Can I have my Master and my boyfriend at the same time?

I received an email from C. She wrote:

I have a problem and it's driving me a little bit crazy

I was someone's submissive but our relationship had to end due to something out of our control. It was horrible and when I got round to dating people again, I fell for a more of a normal guy. He is slightly dominant in the bedroom and likes that I'm submissive. But it isn't the same... I love being with him but there's a kind of empty feeling because I miss being a sub. I don't cheat on people. So basically I want a way that I can have my boyfriend and my Master at the same time and no-one gets hurt... this is giving me a headache and distracting me from my dissertation. Please help me. I'm not sure how. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde...

Thanks for listening

I replied as follows:
Can you "have your boyfriend and a Master at the same time"? Can you have your cake and eat it? I'm really not sure but it seems fraught with difficulty. Are you talking about taking a new Master as well as staying with your boyfriend? Are you sure you will find a new Master easily? If you do, is your hope that they will each accept one another and be happy with you seeing each of them to meet your different needs? It sounds an ideal situation that I am sure many would like but I doubt that you will find that both your boyfriend and your Master will be happy with the situation.

Or are you thinking of keeping each secret from the other? You say you don't cheat on people so you would find it difficult and it would not be something I would recommend.

You say your boyfriend is slightly dominant in the bedroom. Can you discuss your needs with him and introduce him to D/s in the hope that he may be tempted to take it slightly further and become your Master? In the end I think you will need to decide whether your boyfriend can fully meet your needs and if he cannot then whether you accept that or decide to finish with him and look for someone who can.

Though I know there are readers of this blog who have managed to develop separate relationships with a Master and a husband or boyfriend. Perhaps one of them may comment and let us know how they managed to arrange such a situation.

These are just my thoughts and you will need to find a way through this that works for you.

Thanks and good luck
So - do any readers have a separate partner and Dom? How did you arrive at such an arrangement? How do you keep it working? Can others see how it might be made to work?


  1. I do! Have a separate Dom and Hub. Currently not working. I would give anything for non-Dom hub to be my Dom and we have tried in ther early days when I began to explore. I believe it's not sustainable for someone who is not Dom in his bones. It just doesn't float his boat.

    For us this has led to a lot of hurt, a lot of angst. If I could have it all again...and I knew who I was 16 or so years ago, I would have chosen differently. I am unable to give up my Sir or rather unable to give up being controlled. I am unable to give up my hub (complications there too that I don't write about in my blog which make it hard to walk away).

    My advice? Unless you have a boyfriend who understands your sub needs as just that, needs and not some fly by night sexual desire that gets you high but can be put aside for 'love', then he may never be comfortable or accepting of a Dom who will meet those needs and touch you sexually. Don't settle for a Non-Dom if you need a Dom man to be your partner. Life is NOT as they say 'short' is the longest thing you will ever do and it's even longer stuck in an unfulfillng sexual and life partnership

  2. Thank you little for contributing your experience of this. I am sorry it is not working for you at this time.

    I have heard from many others who like you have found that it is unsustainable for a "non-Dom" to be their Dom. It is sad that the alternative of a separate Dom has caused you such hurt and angst.

    I am sure most would agree that the ideal is to find a partner who can meet all of your needs. C perhaps still has the chance to try to achieve this option. There are though others like you who have not. I wonder what you and they should do? There are no easy answers and I suppose each must search for their own.

    Thank you for sharing your situation and for your very good advice.

    P xx

  3. tori wrote very interestingly here on A Kind Dom about how she felt huge problems of trust with a Dom who was deceiving his partner.

  4. I have a separate husband and Dom. My husband is definitely a non-Dom, but we were poly-minded before I discovered my submissive side. I think having friends that are both poly and kinky made it easier on my marriage. My Dom is also married to a non-sub, so it's a good way for us to meet our needs. They have a 'don't ask, don't tell' arrangement where she knows he gets his needs met, but not the details. I think for this arrangement to work, partners need to be comfortable with both BDSM and poly orientations. It's not something you can force on a partner, and it definitely takes a lot of work.
    - Lyoness

  5. Thank you Lyoness. It is interesting to hear your perspective on how you make this work for you - and also that your Dom has a similar arrangement with his wife. You may well be right that for such an arrangement to work partners need to be comfortable with BDSM and poly orientations. You are certainly right that it is not something you can force on a partner. It is good for us to recognise from you that it takes a lot of work. I hope you are finding it worthwhile.

    Good luck

    P xx

  6. There have been several more very interesting comments relating to this subject on A Kind Dom here.

  7. Readers might also be interested in the parallel discussion on little's blog. You can read it here.

  8. There seems to be a consensus on A Kind Dom that having a Dom as well as a vanilla partner can be made to work. I have written a final comment here.

    Thank you and good luck to all the commenters

    Thank you also and good luck C.

    P xx

  9. I don't know if anyone is still reading here but if so, I think I need help with this same situation. I am 50 and have been married for 8 years. I have not had sex with my husband or anyone else (except myself)for 6 years. I am faced with the fact that I have to stay with my husband for my child's sake but can't bear the thought of my husband's quick fumblings. I have recently awakened to the fact that I think I yearn for a Dom and am becoming obsessed with the idea of being dominated. I am also scared of these feelings because I have always taken care of myself and been the dominant one. I'm also terrified that I will never have an orgasm by a man and never know how it truly feels to be with someone who understands these darker feelings and can take me to the place my mind and body need to go. Someone please talk to me .


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