"brand spanking new to the D/s world"

I received a very interesting email recently from wild cat. She was so kind about my blogs - how could I help but respond? This was the email:

Dear Pygar,

I love your blogs! 

• (Thank you! - P xx)

I have a question for you that hopefully you and your readers can offer insight into. My husband and I are brand spanking new (pun intended) to the D/s world. I am excited beyond words for this change in our relationship! It's what I've--what we've both always wanted, and now we are taking steps to make it reality!! Here's where I'm having some trouble. My husband is a good man, loving, kind, faithful, smart, I could go on...he's not, however, very on top of things. In our relationship, I have primarily been the one to remind him about appointments, housework, and errands he needs to run...even sometimes to shower, brush his teeth, and eat regularly. Sometimes several times. Sometimes several times and then he still doesn't do it. He struggles to stay on top of his work, too--procrastinates to the last minute. Also, I am the primary "breadwinner." This has caused some struggles in the past, but (a) we have worked through most of it in couples therapy and (b) didn't really care too much, as he has much to offer in other ways (see the list of adjectives above). However, ever since we have gotten serious about taking this step, I find myself suddenly angry, bitter, and very contemptuous--with an attitude of "You want me to submit to you? That's cute, dear, but our lives would fall apart..." He is aware of the problem, too, and is growing towards being what I believe will one day be a good Dom, and when we talk about what we want, our styles seem to mesh very well. In the meantime, though, we are experiencing a lot of struggle. I was wondering if this is common in the beginning--especially the need for the sub to "test" the Dom to see if he is indeed in control. He keeps asking me to "make things easier on him" but this does not interest me. I feel like a wild cat and i want to be tamed, no matter how much I growl! Also, I am aware at how important trust and respect are, and I just don't believe I can have those without testing him first. I'm not testing to be cruel--I'm testing to see if he is ready. How common is this? We still know very little and have practiced very little so far. Any and all thoughts are welcome (although I would ask that people refrain from saying "get a different Dom." He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him). Thank you!!!

--wild cat

I responded as follows,

Thank you also for your kind words about my blogs.

There are many interesting points that I have heard separately from others that all seem to have come together for you! There is the strong and powerful woman who needs to submit and be cared for; the discovery together of a desire to engage in spanking; the concern (from either or both parties) that the Dom may not feel able to deliver all that is required; the desire of a sub to test out her Master, to be feisty and challenging; the lack of "knowledge and eagerness to find out more; and perhaps much more too!

So let's also emphasise your final comment, "I would ask that people refrain from saying 'get a different Dom.' He's my husband--I'm only interested in doing this with him."

Good on you for that. You are committed to making it work. That is a really good start. You have already worked through much of it in couples therapy. That again shows the commitment of both of you. I hope that helped - and wonder if it was contributory to the decision to engage in D/s. While it is common for many people - male and female - who are strong and powerful to need to find time to relax into submission in a safe environment with a trusted partner, it is perhaps less often the case that someone who is less powerful in their day to day life satisfying their dominant side in a parallel way. Perhaps being dominant requires a more embedded personality - it is perhaps not something that many can just switch on or off.

Having said this, my personality is genuinely kind and gentle, but there is an underlying strength that can exhibit itself naturally in Dominance. I wonder without that underlying strength - can someone become the dominant partner.

Perhaps though your husband also has that. Perhaps he can learn and develop it. Perhaps in doing it within a D/s context her may learn skills that can help him in his day to day life.

What is good though is that you are able to talk about things and discuss your feelings and needs. That is surely a start.

Make sure though that you have the same desire to submit as you have for him to dominate you. You say you want to test and challenge him. You want him to make you submit. In the end the issue isn't just his ability to dominate - but also your ability to submit. If you refuse to submit to him then that will be your failure as much as his.

Good luck on your journey.

- Pygar xx

I think there are a number of fascinating issues here. I hope other readers will respond in the comments section.

Indifference

J wrote to me recently. She said,

Good evening Sir,

i have a problem i would like help with. i found Your blog through google search. i am new to the BDSM lifestyle, and yesterday at my first in-person meeting with my Dom i messed up big time. He says he accepts my apology (i did many things wrong- disobeying His commands, standing/walking- not crawling, yelling when there was a spider in the room, not calling Him Sir, as well as a couple other things, i'm sure.). my question now is how to i get Him to stop feeling indifferent towards me? i just asked Him and He says He isn't angry at me, just indifferent. This hurts more than Him being angry. Is there anything i can do?

Thank you so much for your time, Sir. 

It is always difficult for those new to this. It can also be very intense - and to feel a Dom is indifferent seems a cruel punishment. I replied as follows.

Hello J

Thank you for your email.

I am sorry you are having problems. I do know that it can be difficult when one is new to BDSM. There seems to be so much to learn and new protocols to get used to. It is easy as a sub to think that everything is your fault and that it is you who is somehow inadequate.

However those who claim more experience should be supportive to those new to the scene. Also a Dom should show respect towards his sub, help teach her, and be understanding of her needs.

You cannot expect to know everything at once and if things did not go well on your first meeting then that is as much if not far more to do with him, his skills and his attitude as it is to do with you.

If he says he is indifferent to you then I am tempted to suggest that you tell him to get lost. Possibly in even more colourful language. I think you deserve better. There are good people out there who can help you learn and begin to experience some of the things you desire.

Best wishes and good luck

Pygar xx

Do others have more helpful advice? Do add to the comment. Thanks!

bondage marks

I have received the following interesting email from naughty Lizard about bondage marks. As I have been very, very slow in publishing the email I do hope readers have some advice to give.

Dear Uncle Agony,

I'm a nice submissive girl who has been in a sexless marriage for several years. I recently began having an affair, and my new lover and I very much want him to tie me up. (Ahem. Very much!)

But. He is concerned about leaving marks on my skin. I haven't been able to find much helpful advice on bondage techniques that *avoid* leaving marks.

Can you help?

Thank you,

Naughty Lizard

I find it an interesting topic as for different reasons I often have to avoid marking my own submissive woman. It can be very annoying having to be careful not to leave suspicious marks.

My advice to Naughty Lizard was as follows

I'm pleased you seem to have found a partner to have fun with and I do understand your dilemma. If you have tried the local kink friendly sex store then you may be left with the internet. There are things you can get from there but it might be that neither of you can have things delivered through the post if your lover is also married.

I did a bit of Googling and found sites that advertised soft rope that they claimed did not mark. One of the things seems to be to avoid twisted rope as opposed to covered rope. In the end though it is a matter of how tightly you tie the ropes and for how long! I find that most rope marks where there is no chaffing are gone in an hour or so - and many marks even more quickly. Knotting techniques are useful too - so that the rope does not bite around you. There are some good instructional videos on twistedmonk.com

When I Googled I also found this advice -
http://socyberty.com/folklore/self-bondage-rope-marks/

I wonder if readers can offer further advice?

new

I received an email recently for publication on Uncle Agony with the title "submissive". It went as follows,

Dear reader,

I'm very new to the BDSM life. I don't have a partner nor do I know whether I am a submissive or a dominate. I do, however, know that I like BDSM and would enjoy doing it. I believe that I am a submissive person but all my life I have been raised to be a dominate person and it's hard for me to let go of control. I also have a few questions about the BDSM life style, such as if your a submissive, do you act like a slave with your partner 24/7? Or can you (the submissive) be treated like a normal person outside of the sex? Thanks for your time and support.

Alexandria (alex)

I sometimes find it so hard to know where to begin with those like alex who are new to D/s and BDSM. There are no easy answers and I believe no rights and wrongs. It may be just a matter of finding the right relationship with the right person who one can really trust - then taking it from there.

There is so much to learn - and where to start? Of course there is lots written on the internet to research. However there is such a lot that it must be overwhelming for someone who is new but eager to learn and to experience safely.

When one is new and with no experience one is in that wonderful state of knowing there is something out there - but what might one become? Something precious for a good mentor to teach and help find fulfilment - or a potential victim for someone manipulative to abuse?

I feel much of the advice that alex requests from me is already written in my Kind Dom blog. However it would be a long read from the start.

What is the essence of knowledge to give to alex and others like her?

Do others have more supportive responses to her questions than I have given so far?