Thank you

Thank you to those who have added their advice as comments to the posts below. That is the purpose of this blog. I have no special wisdom. It is the combined wisdom in the comments of kind hearted readers that will, I hope, make this blog worth reading.

I have been particularly pleased that Doms as well as subs have felt able to write. This gives a good balance to any problem to see it from such different perspectives.

I am sure the problems that have been discussed are not specific to the writers but may be shared by many others. So if you are a new reader do feel free to comment on earlier posts.

And if you have a problem to discuss then please write to Uncle Agony!

How do I know if I am a submissive?

Hi,

I’ve recently discovered your blog, and am emailing in the desperate hope of some advice…

I’m very confused. How do I know if I am a submissive?

Being controlled is all I think about, all I want and desire. I’m pretty sure I’m a masochist but I know it’s not the sane as being a sub.

I have a partner who I’ve sort of told about certain things I like in the bedroom, but I don’t think he would ever be able to control me in the way I desire.

I don’t know what to do, what to think. It is consuming my mind and I don’t think I can function in a relationship without those needs being fulfilled.

I know you don’t hold the answers, but I just need some advice.

G


Hello G

How do you know if you are a submissive? Well it seems that you already do know that. You sound as if you are aching to explore your submissiveness but your partner may not understand.

I know other subs who have discovered their submissive nature while being committed to a vanilla partner. I know they have had difficulties in reconciling these issues. I hope some may advise you here.

But in the end only you can decide if you sublimate your submissive desires for the sake of your current relationship ... or open up an explore what you feel may be your true nature. If you are lucky your partner may join this journey with you. But if he does not ... then you may find it leads to conflict and difficult choices.

Good luck

P

My Dom is too lacking in confidence

This email is from a more experienced sub who has started a loving D/s relationship with an inexperienced Master. How best to proceed? Advice from readers is very welcome.

Hello Sir,

First, thank you for your blog and for sharing what you do there.

normally, i wouldn't take a question that related to my Master to be asked anonymously (sorta) somewhere else. i don't think He would be upset; we just have a big empahsis on communication. i just don't know how to communicate this. Master collared me back in March -- after about a year old knowing each other. We have a sort of hybrid online/offline realtionship. We see each other as often as we can for living a good distance away. We're both young. we're both in college. Our families know about our relationship in a nilla fashion. i have about three semesters of school till i am moving to where he lives.

i've told all of this before asking my question so you can get an idea of our relationship.

Thing is, he's hesitant at his Dominance....no matter what it is that he is doing or saying ....

i mean...it's there. he's reallly good at it, and i don't think he knows just how good. i'm his first sub -- he's not my frist dominant, but the only deeply connected and loving relationship i've ever had period.

He's admited fearing hurting me....or he says abusing the power i give him. Sometimes He pushes though this and sometimes He doesn't.

i try to be patient. i tell Him that first and foremost, i love Him for who He is to me -- rather than some percived notion of what he 'must' do as my Master. And, that really isn't my problem. i knew He was new in the beginning.

My problem is that when he doubts himself and doesn't clearly direct....i feel either confused or frustrated from time to time. it's a bit disorintating. i'm not sure how to respond. i have to check myself so that i don't grapple for power during these moments or manipulate -- two things i don't even want to do.

i can't help it...it's part of my wiring. i crave that leadership from him, and it's hard not to feel lost when it isn't exactly clearly there. it's like...i want to serve and please him but when he is like that...i don't know how. Except to just keep on loving him and i do. But the submissive part of me has begun to feel a bit starved and i don't really know what to do.

i'm not even sure that i am making sense. How do i tell him . . . ?

Thanks,

t



Dear t

I can understand your problem - especially as you have had more experience in this area than your Master. There is always the possibility that he doesn't have it in him - and that he will not able to fully satisfy your submissive needs.

But remember - he is new to this. He is finding his feet. He cares for you and is frightened of harming you. That is a good start. Much better than someone inexperienced who was reckless and who might do you real harm. I think you need to be patient but to work through this together. You are the most experienced in this partnership so you may have to give a bit of help and leadership. I know you feel this goes against what you want - you need him to be the leader and to command you. But I believe if you work at it together you will get to that place.

Do lots of talking about each of your needs and desires and where you would like it to develop. Discuss his worries and fears of harming you and devise scenarios where he can feel confident. For instance there are lots of ways of structuring cp sessions where the sub can give ongoing feedback of how it is working for her. Once he gets to understand your limits and your needs he will need less of this feedback - but it is sensible that you start like this.

Perhaps you could look at websites together and discuss what you find there - ones about techniques and safety perhaps, others about imaginative scenes, blogs by couples in such relationships. I am sure all of this will help give you shared ideas of ways that you can make it work.

You may feel that a lot of this is "topping from the boom" and goes against what you need - but I think in the long term if he gains in experience and confidence then the topping from the bottom will be no longer necessary - though honest communication will continue to be essential.

For now keep talking. Keep communicating. Let him know your needs and listen to his concerns. Try to help each other.

I have had my confidence hit at times and as a kind Dom myself am perhaps cautious about going too far too quickly. But I have discovered that with trust and good communications it is possible to gain confidence and expertise quite quickly.

Good luck to you both.

Best wishes

Pygar

doubt

I have two letters for you this week. I will publish the second later in the week. This first expresses doubt when her Master has become distant.

Hello,

I have found your site and seek your advice.

I have only just begun my training following a long, intense and passionate verbal courting. We have shared our commitment as master husband and submissive wife to be together in all things as we explore this new life together, planning for marriage, the merging of our lives, our resources. His is my love, my master in mind, body and soul. I am his now.

Over the past four days he has become distant. Honestly, he is busy with family issues that cropped up suddenly and I believe weigh greatly upon his mind. And yet, he will not speak to me, only text me and tell me he has a lot on his mind right now, apologizing for the lack of communication. I cannot help but think he is second guessing our relationship, and yet, he has told me we are ok and that he loves me.

I will not speak or think ill of him. I feel secure in his love for me, and in mine for him. I stride to master my emotions and paranoia with writing, walking. Yet doubt creeps on quiet feet, making me feel cut off, from my love, my guiding force, insecure.

Perhaps this is part of my training? Perhaps this is merely the vanilla part of our lives? So I am patient, silent. He is so strong, and I want to be there for him, but I do not wish to overstep my sub bounds. And yet, I fear.

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Anonymous


I think if it was part of your training that he should have explained this to you. Otherwise it could be in he realm of issues I discussed in "A Kind Dom" about emotional sadism. Like you I cannot read his mind to understand the real reason for the change. He has tried to reassure you and has told you he loves you so for now perhaps you should be optimistic. It might just be that he has other major issues to deal with at the moment - but it will be worrying for you to know that this distance can come between you.

I am concerned though that he will not speak to you and will only text. He must know you are worried and a few words might reassure you.

So I am unsure too. I wonder what others think?

- Pygar

How do I find a Dom?

I was wondering if you may be able to help a young submissive girl deal with a problem?

Just this passed year, I realized that I was submissive. That I want, or more accurately, need to be owned. I just don't know where to find someone who wants to play with me. I'm not a pretty girl, by any standards, but it was never this difficult before to find a guy that would have sex with me. Usually that is frighteningly easy...but I don't want just sex. I want to give up control. I want to be spanked when I am bad (and sometimes just for fun when I'm good!) I have tried having regular "vanilla" sex, but it just leaves me more hungry for submission. For spanking. For hair pulling. For serving. For giving up all control. So I guess my actual question is...how do I find someone who wants to do those things to me?

Thank you in advance, and if you have any advice or suggested reading or words of wisdom for a brand new submissive trying to get her shit together, I would greatly appreciate it!

- K


Hello K

I do understand how it will be for you in wanting to explore your new found feelings and desires in a safe and supportive relationship. It can be very difficult finding someone who you know you can trust, with complementary needs who will care for you and help you fulfil this side of your personality.

Take care. I know subs who have had some very upsetting and difficult experiences in meeting new Doms - especially through contact sites. Though some have had success.

In the UK local groups of people into the scene have occasional meetings called "munches" - just to meet up and talk rather than to scene. They can be a good way to meet new people safely.

You might also meet new friends online through blogs. Maybe start reading blogs of other subs and adding your comments - or even writing to blogger subs who seem friendly. It would be good to have other subs to talk to who have been through what you are going through now and who can offer you advice from personal experience.

I am sure you will find lots of men who want to do those things to you. The trick is to find ones who you can trust and who are interested in your satisfaction as well as their own.

Good luck K

Best wishes

P