How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End

Some time ago I published an excerpt from Vivian's ebook "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. She has now published a companion volume to give advice to the person giving the spanking! It is based on real advice from a number of people who enjoy being spanked.

Here is the blurb:
"This 165-page book is designed for partners of people who want to be spanked, and can be used along with "How to Get the Spanking You Want" as a way of communicating about spanking in a relationship. It's written in the same down-to-earth, easy-to-use and compassionate style as the first book (though more with "Mars" in mind!), and contains insights and advice you won't find anywhere else about how to get your partner to fulfill your spanking desires."

I found it fascinating, informative and very useful. It is a great follow up to her first book. She has again given me permission to publish an excerpt which follows below.

EXCERPTED FROM

“How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End”
(Variant Books, 2009, www.HowToGiveaSpanking.com. All rights reserved. Reprinted with Permission.)

c About Resistance

Chances are good that at some point, particularly at the beginning of your spanking experiences, your partner will resist your attempts to spank her.

You may, for example, tell her you’re going to spank her and she says, no way! Or you’re in the middle of spanking her and she stands up and refuses to take the rest of her spanking.

Having your partner resist your attempts to spank her can be, and usually is, confusing and upsetting for you and for her.

If your partner resists, she will probably feel guilty and hypocritical for fighting the very thing she’s worked so hard to get in the first place. After all, spanking was her idea, so she of all people ought not to resist when she’s getting spanked—or so goes her thinking, anyway.

Her situation is further complicated by her desire for consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3, page 80). She probably wants to know that when you say she’s going to get spanked, she’s going to get spanked, period. That means that even if she’s resisting in the moment, later on, she’s likely to feel frustrated and let down because she didn’t have to take the spanking you promised her.

You may be confused and frustrated by her resistance for the same reasons. Isn’t this what she wanted and isn’t it your job to make sure she gets it?

Furthermore, you may find yourself coping with feelings of guilt and shame. Did you do it wrong? Did you spank her too hard? Are you a brute and an abuser?

You can probably see immediately that an episode of resistance that is not handled in a healthy way can do serious damage not only to any future spanking activities, but to the trust and intimacy of the relationship and the psychological well-being of both partners.

Fortunately, you and your partner don’t have to suffer the negative consequences of resistance. You can avoid them almost entirely.

How?

1. By understanding and accepting that resistance to being spanked is probably inevitable at some point.
2. By discussing in advance with your partner what you will do if it happens.
3. By being forgiving of both you and your partner when it does.

Let’s start with the first step: accepting the inevitability of resistance.

If you are in an intimate relationship with a woman, it’s probably not a shocking surprise to you that women’s moods fluctuate dramatically from day to day and even sometimes hour to hour and minute to minute. That means that she may be in the mood for a spanking one minute and then suddenly for what seems to you like no apparent reason, not in the mood for that same spanking the next minute.

In addition, women’s hormonal cycles in particular mean that our emotional and physical tolerance for pain also fluctuates dramatically throughout the course of the month, week and even day. And many people, men and women, are more sensitive to pain when they’re tired, after a shower, when they’re getting a cold, first thing in the morning, or in a variety of other situations. Because of these variations in pain tolerance, you may find that the same spanking that she could accept without resisting yesterday is, today, suddenly too severe for her and she’s not able to hold still for it.

Finally, especially at the beginning of your spanking activity, your partner may find herself surprised by how painful spankings are. Remember that fantasy spankings don’t actually hurt, and if she’s never been spanked before, or hasn’t been spanked in awhile, it’s easy to forget just how much real spankings hurt. The shock of feeling the actual pain of even a mild-but-real spanking can be overwhelming for her.

In short, sooner or later (and probably sooner), your partner will resist your attempt to spank her. So it’s important to go to the second step of the coping-with-resistance plan: discussing it ahead of time.

Acknowledging the reality of resistance with your partner before it happens can do a lot to alleviate the guilt and shame that either or both of you might feel when it happens. If you have both agreed that it’s going to happen and that it’s a natural part of the process, you are both much less likely to believe that you did something wrong when it does inevitably happen.

In addition, having a plan for what to do when resistance happens will help both of you navigate through this challenging situation more safely.

A word of caution: Most people who want to be spanked have fantasies in which they resist the spanking and are forced to take it anyway. Your partner may fantasize that you will verbally force her to continue (“If you don’t bend back over, you’ll get another spanking after this one.”), or physically force her back into position, or even tie her up or otherwise restrain her so she has no choice but to take her spanking.

Resistance fantasies can be tremendously exciting, but especially at the beginning of a spanking relationship, they can also be unrealistic and dangerous. If your partner suggests that you force her to take the spanking even if she resists, my strong recommendation is not to agree to this well-meaning suggestion.

You can probably already see why forcing her to submit to a spanking early in your relationship would be a bad, bad idea.

Remember that section earlier in the book about keeping yourself safe? (see Chapter 1, “Keeping Yourself Safe”) Forcing your partner to take a spanking before you have lots (and lots!) of experience spanking her puts you in a dangerous situation.

First of all, you may risk legal liability if she decides that a consensual spanking has turned into non-consensual abuse. Second, the emotional damage to you that could come from forcing someone you love to submit to what is essentially a beating can have serious psychological effects on you. You may experience feelings of guilt and concerns that you have turned into an abuser for forcing her into a spanking.

Your partner probably won’t fare much better in the forced submission scenario. Though it sounds romantic and exciting, being forced into taking a spanking will likely activate her “fight or flight” instinct. Her lizard brain will likely interpret her resistance as an indication that her survival is being threatened, and instead of feeling good feelings of endorphins, she is likely to feel the terror and panic of a “fight-for-your-life” adrenaline rush.

In short, forcing a woman to submit to a spanking when she doesn’t want to is about on par with giving a cat a bath. The cat will retreat to a corner, hissing and spitting, you’ll probably wind up scratched and bloody, and when all is said and done, the cat still won’t get the bath. It’s a lot of trouble with no real results.

Neither of you needs that aggravation and pain. Which is why the plan of forcing her to submit if she resists is probably an unwise plan until you both know each other a lot better.

And finally, when resistance happens, it’s important that you both take the time to reassure one another that there is no cause for guilt or shame. She may need help seeing that you aren’t taking her resistance as some sort of proof that she doesn’t really want spankings or that she’s a failure at something that means so much to her.

In addition – and this is key – it’s probably vital that you not let her out of the spanking entirely just because she resisted. Remember, whatever happened, she almost certainly still wants consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3). That means she doesn’t want to be let out of the spanking, even if she resists in the moment. Make it clear to her that while you understand her resistance, she still has a spanking coming and you intend to give it to her. She may need a few minutes, a few hours or a day to gather her courage back up (you’ll need to determine the time frame), but the spanking is non-negotiable. She will love you for it.

When does a traditional relationship become a D/s one?

(I intend to be less active in blogging for the time being. I will continue to publish interesting emails here for others to comment on but most likely without my own comments. Thank you to all who have helped get this blog going. P xxx)

Pygar,

First thanks for taking the time to create your Blog. I found it yesterday in a search for some answers. I keep coming back to the same vague answers. I think this might be in part to the fact that D/s might be somewhat different for each couple. I would like to preface this question with a little information an background about myself. White male living in S.F. Bay Area of California. I’m in my early thirties in age. I have strong values an find a deep admiration for the traditional roles of a man and woman in a relationship. Something akin to what my grandparents had. A husband who is a provider an guardian, and a wife who is a home maker and care giver. It just seems to be the natural order of things. My most recent Girlfriend was very much into kinks. She allowed me to explore some of these with her and I found out that I too , shared the some of the same kinks and some that might be a bit darker. Her social group of Girl friends are of like mind when it comes to the bedroom. All are submissive women by nature. All commented on my Dominating personality and character. Pointing out things to me about myself that I never noticed or took for granted that it’s the way Men are supposed to behave. My question is this:

At what point does it go from being a traditional unit of a Man and woman to being a D/s relationship. Is the sex the axis it pivots on? I mean if it was vanilla sex but the woman was still submissive and the Man just as Dominant wouldn’t it still be the same relationship of trust, protection, adoration, caring an love?

I guess my hardest hurdle is dealing with the labels. I don’t see myself as being a “Dominant” Male. I’m just a Man. I do see weaker Men in crowds at any social event, so I’m familiar with social hierarchy. Alpha Males and so on. I see the same in women. I can see how personality types naturally gravitate towards one another, and when they don’t mesh well, how they retract from one another.

In closing, I guess what I really want to know is, Can there be D/s minus the clothes pins?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Curiously awaiting your reply,

- H

~~~~~~

Dear H

Can there be D/s without the clothes pins? It is usually subs who ask me that question! LOL I like the clothes pins!!!!

Fortunately my favourite sub friend does too! But of course the answer is that you can make it whatever you want There are far too many hang-ups on language and definitions and what is real D/s and what isn't. There seem to be D/s and BDSM police around trying to tell us all what is and what isn't real BDSM.

My own advice is just go with the flow. Develop those parts of your character that you feel comfortable with in the context of your relationships. For myself I ofen play down those aspects in real life and enjoy being able to express them in the context of a BDSM relationship. I am naturally a kind and gentle man... so how is it I can get off on BDSM activities?

There are many dichotomies and contradictions in this area.

And what is and what isn't a D/s relationship ... when does it become D/s? Does one have to draw a line and decide?

I would be interested in others comments.

Good luck

Pygar

A Dom Question

I have received my first "Uncle Agony" letter from a Dom. It is a fascinating email about the beginnings of a D\s relationship. I think it could work out very well but I know he is very keen to receive support, ideas and advice from readers. I will add a few comments of my own at the end but first the letter ...

They told me in school there are no such things as Dom questions, but here goes.

I am a male, newly interested in learning more about a D/s lifestyle. I am not into heavy BDSM, but do like to spank my wife.

My wife is a contradiction in terms. She is very self sufficient, has her own money and properties, and knows how to do many things that I don't know how to do. On the other hand, whenever we make decisions about anything, she always says, "If that's what you want," or "whatever you want." She obviously has a strong tendency to want to please.

I have never taken advantage of that tendency, and have always been, throughout my life and throughout our brief (two year) marriage, a pleasant "whatever" kind of guy. Except when I spank her.

Anyway, lately I have been attuned to her saying "whatever you want"s, and she says them a lot. So last week I started to take advantage, for the first time, of my natural dominant tendencies. I did two things. One, I told her I wanted her to obey my every command in bed for one half hour. When she touched me without permission, I spanked her hard. Usually my spankings are playful, but this time I made it hurt. I told her what to do, "lick my cock," etc. She liked it. After about a half hour of mild commands, we had great sex. This morning, I told her I wanted to be in control like that again some time, and asked if she liked it. She told me "as long as you like it."

Second, I told her last week to turn her cell phone off whenever we have lunch together. Before I never told her what to do, I would alwys ask if it is ok. This time I just told her. Last night when her phone rang during our dinner together she apologized. I did not spank her or anything, instead I just told her again why it was important to our relationship to turn her phone off, and she agreed.

Ok, so baby steps. But I can tell she has some of the makings of a good submissive, although, for example, it will be a while (if ever) before I could convince her to turn her finances and her decision making over to me.

I have actually planned a few more steps. Every month I intend to add a new command, for example, that she greet me when I come home in the evening (she does not work, thankfully). I also have a list of things I want her to start doing sexually with me that will also slowly develop. For example, anal sex, which she does not enjoy and which she has let me do only twice in two years. Things like that. I can work on one a month, I have the self control to do that.

I have not specifically discussed the issue of control with her yet. If I told her I wanted to control everything, she would laugh. But on the other hand, she tends to like it when I just step up to the plate. It makes me feel very good to be in control, it is a new feeling for me, though I have always been very self assertive in other realms, so I have the natural leader in me. It's just that in my house, mom definitely wore the pants.

It felt good to take these baby steps. I am just curious about your thoughts on this situation, whether I am headed in the right direction, and any advice your readers might have!

Dom Tom

. . . . .

Thanks Tom

As I wrote earlier I have a positive feeling about this. The fact that you are taking things very slowly and just introducing one thing at a time seems a a very good approach. There may be some things that do not work - then you might backtrack on those but keep up with the overall strategy.

There are many people who are self-confident and in control in their day to day life who actually love the opportunity to be able to put that responsibility to one side, to have another take control and and be the responsible one. It is almost like a break from that other personality, a rest and something they gain pleasure and growth from. It sounds as if your wife is that kind of person ... and that she may enjoy slowly exploring and developing that submissive side of her nature.

One thing I am unsure of is when would be the best time to begin to discuss these issues. For the moment I think your strategy of saying little about what you are doing but watching carefully her response to your new controls is the right one. But if things do continue to develop well then perhaps there will come a time when it would be good to bring it all out into the open and be honest with each other about your needs and desires. At the moment it may be too early as she is only just discovering them from your gentle and careful introduction.

I know subs who have tried to help their partners develop their Dom side and who have written of this. Your parallel journey is very interesting. I do hope that in the future you will tell us all how it went.

But good luck Tom. I think this has huge potential to turn out very positively for both of you. I do hope so.

I hope some subs too may comment as they will have perhaps better understanding of your wife's position from their own awakenings.

Guilt about my submissive feelings

Good evening Master Pygar:

Ive met someone online too, we've been chatting almost a year next month; he's older than me by 7 years.

He's been after me to submit but being the 'good catholic gal' that I am, Im not so sure that I want to delve into the state called submissiveness. I do want to meet him, but as he said only on his terms - which are sexual. I first delved into BDSM [spring of 2001[ on the msn online channel and purchased The Loving Dominant; Why is my friend so kinky; Erotic Surrender. A lot of erotica which ive read online and also purchased has something to be desired; some is good; some just down right raunchy.

I have so many inhibitions, hangups I call them. And if I can work my way through these hangups , then I will not fear meeting my Lord and Master. Maybe you have some tips to help me overcome these feelings?

Look forward to your response.

Christina

Thank you for writing Christina. Often guilt is said to be built in to a Catholic upbringing. However I have met some very sexually voracious Catholic women - perhaps it is the excitement of breaking free from the guilt!

It sounds as if you want to become more free and explore your sexuality yet your guilt is making this difficult ... causing the hangups you describe. I think that to get over your hangups successfully, and not create even more, you need an understanding and loving partner. I'm not sure that if he is only prepared to meet on his terms then he is necessarily that person - but only you can decide if that is the case.

I do not have much personal experience of coming to terms with guilt.

I wonder if other readers have personal experiences to share that might help?

Good luck

xPx

guilt or emptiness?

Dear Master Pygar,

Thank you for your blog. It gets me thinking and feeling less alone.

A little over a year ago a new on-line friend sparked within me an interest in submission and D/s relationships. O/our friendship grew (rather quickly) into an 'on-line relationship'. W/we never met, but a gap in my life seemed to be filled for me for the first time.

I am married. My husband has no interest in anything that he dismisses as "kinky".

My online relationship has just finished and left me with that "gap" again. I have young children and cannot separate from my husband - in any case I love him. He is a good man and I do not want to hurt him.

But I feel so empty again. I am drawn to look for another online Master but part of me thinks I should just push it all to one side, that I am being selfish and deceitful.

I just crave to submit again.

Are any of your readers in a similar situation? How do they cope with the feelings of guilt on one side - or the emptiness on the other?

Thank you

pinksub


Thank you for your letter pinksub. I am sure there are other subs in a very similar situation. I hope some of them may feel able to comment. - P

How do I get the spanking I want?

Many of you may visit Vivian's blog - The Disciplined Feminist - which I have recently linked to on the side bar.

She has just published an ebook called, "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. It is described as "a complete guide for anyone who wants their partner to spank them and is particularly directed to adults interested in spanking in a committed relationship, primarily (though not exclusively) in a domestic discipline situation."

She kindly offered me an exclusive excerpt for publication. Having read it I think it is excellent advice so am publishing it here. If the rest of the ebook is of the same standard then I think that many will find it a very useful read.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

EXCERPTED FROM
“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(Variant Books, 2009, www.HowToGetaSpanking.com)

~ Why most advice about getting your partner to spank you will not get you what you want

Almost all the advice available on how to get your partner to spank you relies on the fantasy that your partner will spank you if you provoke, tempt or tease him into doing so. This advice usually includes a suggestion to do something that annoys him and then tempt him with, “If I were you, I’d spank me for that…” or variations to that effect.

I call this advice the “I Love Lucy” method because it reminds me of the way in which Lucy would misbehave – often it seemed, with a wink and a nod – and Rickie would threaten her with a spanking if she didn’t stop. (By the way, in case you think I’m reading something into the show that isn’t there, you should know that there is at least one and probably more episodes in which Lucy is spanked by Rickie, and the implication is that this is not an unusual or infrequent occurrence. Ah, the Golden Age of television…)

The “I Love Lucy” method is by far the most commonly repeated advice on this subject – but it obviously doesn’t work very well. How do I know this? Because despite the fact that this advice appears on almost every thread or discussion about this subject anywhere, the forums and community boards are still crowded with people frustrated that their partners won’t spank them.

So clearly, this method isn’t working for most (all?) people. And when you take a closer look at it, it’s really no wonder. Classic sitcoms aside, trying to provoke your partner into spanking you is actually more likely to get him not to spank you than anything else!
Why? To answer that, let’s closer look at what you’re really doing when you try to provoke a spanking by taunting your partner with misbehavior.

1. You’re getting fantasy confused with reality.

Expecting your partner to spank you without communicating with him first about what you want and whether spanking you will work for him is another example of how we tend to let our fantasies get in the way of our expectations about how real life works.

In our fantasies, we misbehave and our partner instinctively and magically knows just what to do about it. Without hesitation, he becomes the stern disciplinarian and immediately takes charge, giving us the perfect spanking in the perfect way, saying all the right things and leaving us with a sore bottom and that wonderful feeling of fantasy fulfillment. Yum… what a wonderful fantasy! No wonder we get stuck here!

But you probably sense by now that as delicious as this fantasy is, it’s not the way real life works because…

2. You’re not being fair to yourself.

Expecting your partner to get that you want him to spank you just because you tease him with the possibility is a sure route to a disappointing spanking experience – even if he does take you up on your offer.

First of all, he’s probably not going to take you seriously and believe that you really want him to spank you. Why would he? Most guys who aren’t specifically interested in spanking don’t realize that there are actually a lot of women out there who want to be spanked. Guys may fantasize about spanking women, but they also fantasize about having sex with two lesbians, and how often does that realistically happen for the average guy?

Furthermore, most “enlightened” modern guys were raised to believe that what a woman wants most is equality, so naturally, he’s going to assume that you’re kidding at best and at worst, being a tease by making fun of his “macho” tendencies. (we’ll talk more about this in a minute)
The odds that he’ll believe you’re serious just because you tease him about spanking you are probably one in a thousand, at least. And even if against all odds, he does try spanking you because you provoked him into it (which would actually be very bad, as you’re about to learn), he’s almost certain to do it “wrong” – thus disappointing you and frustrating him.

Do you really believe that you will get the spanking you want without any specific prior communication with your partner about what you have in mind? That with all of the hundreds of different variations in the spanking experience, your partner will magically somehow, without one word of actual, direct, adult conversation with you, know exactly what you’re asking for and do it the way you want him to?

Not likely! You’ve probably got a better chance of marrying a handsome movie star and moving to a tropical island.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating here. A satisfying spanking doesn’t just happen because you want it to without any work on your part. A good spanking takes communication, practice and the building of trust between two people. (Remember, even Lucy and Rickie had been together for years working on their spanking relationship before those TV spankings happened!)

Expecting that just by teasing and provoking your partner into spanking you you’re going to get what you want is like expecting to play the piano perfectly the first time you touch the keys – it’s just not going to happen, because…

3. You’re not being fair to him.

You and I may be fully aware of the wonderful benefits and pleasures of spanking, but most of the rest of the world isn’t.

In fact, most of the rest of the world (or at least the western world) sees any form of physical violence against a partner as abuse – and therefore unacceptable and unforgivable. Not to mention that in most of western society, hitting a woman is a felony offense that could land your partner in jail, ruin his reputation, take away his custody of his children (if he has them) and end his career.

Sound like an exaggeration? It’s not.

Expecting your partner to spank you just because you tease him is asking him to take a huge risk. What if he misinterpreted what you wanted and spanked you, when you really were just teasing him? (And how in the world could he possibly know for sure if you haven’t talked with him first?) And what if he spanks you too hard and you feel abused by what he’s done and report him to the police? (And how does he know how hard to spank you if, again, you haven’t talked with him first!!?)

You may think these possibilities are exaggerated and far-fetched, but that’s because you’re probably seeing the whole situation from your perspective. You already know what you want and you already know that you want it. He doesn’t. And he has no reasonable or fair chance of knowing without you coming out and asking him, instead of teasing him about it.

Simply put, it is unreasonable and unfair to your partner to expect him to take a serious risk with his life just on the remote chance that you might seriously want him to spank you.
Why is this a remote chance? Why would it be so hard for him to believe that you really, truly want to be spanked? Here’s why:

Because modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is.

Which means that to get over that pretty strong attitude, he will probably (and should probably) need a very clear and very explicit request from you before he even considers spanking you.
And while we’re on the subject here, given the risks involved, any man who is willing to take the chance and spank you without knowing 100% for sure that it’s consensual is probably not someone who is responsible, stable and mature enough to be a good spanking partner. In fact, he may well be an abuser who will hurt you without your consent in other ways as well.

In other words, if you’ve tried the “I Love Lucy” technique and failed, it’s actually a good sign that your partner is responsible, caring and trustworthy enough to be a great spanking partner once you communicate with him about what you want.

The good news is that you don’t have to use this unreliable and dangerous “I Love Lucy” method to get your partner to give you the spankings you need. There is a method for getting what you want that works much, much better – and best of all, will strengthen your relationship rather than endangering it.

That’s what the rest of this book is about.

Thank you

Thank you to those who have added their advice as comments to the posts below. That is the purpose of this blog. I have no special wisdom. It is the combined wisdom in the comments of kind hearted readers that will, I hope, make this blog worth reading.

I have been particularly pleased that Doms as well as subs have felt able to write. This gives a good balance to any problem to see it from such different perspectives.

I am sure the problems that have been discussed are not specific to the writers but may be shared by many others. So if you are a new reader do feel free to comment on earlier posts.

And if you have a problem to discuss then please write to Uncle Agony!

How do I know if I am a submissive?

Hi,

I’ve recently discovered your blog, and am emailing in the desperate hope of some advice…

I’m very confused. How do I know if I am a submissive?

Being controlled is all I think about, all I want and desire. I’m pretty sure I’m a masochist but I know it’s not the sane as being a sub.

I have a partner who I’ve sort of told about certain things I like in the bedroom, but I don’t think he would ever be able to control me in the way I desire.

I don’t know what to do, what to think. It is consuming my mind and I don’t think I can function in a relationship without those needs being fulfilled.

I know you don’t hold the answers, but I just need some advice.

G


Hello G

How do you know if you are a submissive? Well it seems that you already do know that. You sound as if you are aching to explore your submissiveness but your partner may not understand.

I know other subs who have discovered their submissive nature while being committed to a vanilla partner. I know they have had difficulties in reconciling these issues. I hope some may advise you here.

But in the end only you can decide if you sublimate your submissive desires for the sake of your current relationship ... or open up an explore what you feel may be your true nature. If you are lucky your partner may join this journey with you. But if he does not ... then you may find it leads to conflict and difficult choices.

Good luck

P

My Dom is too lacking in confidence

This email is from a more experienced sub who has started a loving D/s relationship with an inexperienced Master. How best to proceed? Advice from readers is very welcome.

Hello Sir,

First, thank you for your blog and for sharing what you do there.

normally, i wouldn't take a question that related to my Master to be asked anonymously (sorta) somewhere else. i don't think He would be upset; we just have a big empahsis on communication. i just don't know how to communicate this. Master collared me back in March -- after about a year old knowing each other. We have a sort of hybrid online/offline realtionship. We see each other as often as we can for living a good distance away. We're both young. we're both in college. Our families know about our relationship in a nilla fashion. i have about three semesters of school till i am moving to where he lives.

i've told all of this before asking my question so you can get an idea of our relationship.

Thing is, he's hesitant at his Dominance....no matter what it is that he is doing or saying ....

i mean...it's there. he's reallly good at it, and i don't think he knows just how good. i'm his first sub -- he's not my frist dominant, but the only deeply connected and loving relationship i've ever had period.

He's admited fearing hurting me....or he says abusing the power i give him. Sometimes He pushes though this and sometimes He doesn't.

i try to be patient. i tell Him that first and foremost, i love Him for who He is to me -- rather than some percived notion of what he 'must' do as my Master. And, that really isn't my problem. i knew He was new in the beginning.

My problem is that when he doubts himself and doesn't clearly direct....i feel either confused or frustrated from time to time. it's a bit disorintating. i'm not sure how to respond. i have to check myself so that i don't grapple for power during these moments or manipulate -- two things i don't even want to do.

i can't help it...it's part of my wiring. i crave that leadership from him, and it's hard not to feel lost when it isn't exactly clearly there. it's like...i want to serve and please him but when he is like that...i don't know how. Except to just keep on loving him and i do. But the submissive part of me has begun to feel a bit starved and i don't really know what to do.

i'm not even sure that i am making sense. How do i tell him . . . ?

Thanks,

t



Dear t

I can understand your problem - especially as you have had more experience in this area than your Master. There is always the possibility that he doesn't have it in him - and that he will not able to fully satisfy your submissive needs.

But remember - he is new to this. He is finding his feet. He cares for you and is frightened of harming you. That is a good start. Much better than someone inexperienced who was reckless and who might do you real harm. I think you need to be patient but to work through this together. You are the most experienced in this partnership so you may have to give a bit of help and leadership. I know you feel this goes against what you want - you need him to be the leader and to command you. But I believe if you work at it together you will get to that place.

Do lots of talking about each of your needs and desires and where you would like it to develop. Discuss his worries and fears of harming you and devise scenarios where he can feel confident. For instance there are lots of ways of structuring cp sessions where the sub can give ongoing feedback of how it is working for her. Once he gets to understand your limits and your needs he will need less of this feedback - but it is sensible that you start like this.

Perhaps you could look at websites together and discuss what you find there - ones about techniques and safety perhaps, others about imaginative scenes, blogs by couples in such relationships. I am sure all of this will help give you shared ideas of ways that you can make it work.

You may feel that a lot of this is "topping from the boom" and goes against what you need - but I think in the long term if he gains in experience and confidence then the topping from the bottom will be no longer necessary - though honest communication will continue to be essential.

For now keep talking. Keep communicating. Let him know your needs and listen to his concerns. Try to help each other.

I have had my confidence hit at times and as a kind Dom myself am perhaps cautious about going too far too quickly. But I have discovered that with trust and good communications it is possible to gain confidence and expertise quite quickly.

Good luck to you both.

Best wishes

Pygar

doubt

I have two letters for you this week. I will publish the second later in the week. This first expresses doubt when her Master has become distant.

Hello,

I have found your site and seek your advice.

I have only just begun my training following a long, intense and passionate verbal courting. We have shared our commitment as master husband and submissive wife to be together in all things as we explore this new life together, planning for marriage, the merging of our lives, our resources. His is my love, my master in mind, body and soul. I am his now.

Over the past four days he has become distant. Honestly, he is busy with family issues that cropped up suddenly and I believe weigh greatly upon his mind. And yet, he will not speak to me, only text me and tell me he has a lot on his mind right now, apologizing for the lack of communication. I cannot help but think he is second guessing our relationship, and yet, he has told me we are ok and that he loves me.

I will not speak or think ill of him. I feel secure in his love for me, and in mine for him. I stride to master my emotions and paranoia with writing, walking. Yet doubt creeps on quiet feet, making me feel cut off, from my love, my guiding force, insecure.

Perhaps this is part of my training? Perhaps this is merely the vanilla part of our lives? So I am patient, silent. He is so strong, and I want to be there for him, but I do not wish to overstep my sub bounds. And yet, I fear.

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Anonymous


I think if it was part of your training that he should have explained this to you. Otherwise it could be in he realm of issues I discussed in "A Kind Dom" about emotional sadism. Like you I cannot read his mind to understand the real reason for the change. He has tried to reassure you and has told you he loves you so for now perhaps you should be optimistic. It might just be that he has other major issues to deal with at the moment - but it will be worrying for you to know that this distance can come between you.

I am concerned though that he will not speak to you and will only text. He must know you are worried and a few words might reassure you.

So I am unsure too. I wonder what others think?

- Pygar

How do I find a Dom?

I was wondering if you may be able to help a young submissive girl deal with a problem?

Just this passed year, I realized that I was submissive. That I want, or more accurately, need to be owned. I just don't know where to find someone who wants to play with me. I'm not a pretty girl, by any standards, but it was never this difficult before to find a guy that would have sex with me. Usually that is frighteningly easy...but I don't want just sex. I want to give up control. I want to be spanked when I am bad (and sometimes just for fun when I'm good!) I have tried having regular "vanilla" sex, but it just leaves me more hungry for submission. For spanking. For hair pulling. For serving. For giving up all control. So I guess my actual question is...how do I find someone who wants to do those things to me?

Thank you in advance, and if you have any advice or suggested reading or words of wisdom for a brand new submissive trying to get her shit together, I would greatly appreciate it!

- K


Hello K

I do understand how it will be for you in wanting to explore your new found feelings and desires in a safe and supportive relationship. It can be very difficult finding someone who you know you can trust, with complementary needs who will care for you and help you fulfil this side of your personality.

Take care. I know subs who have had some very upsetting and difficult experiences in meeting new Doms - especially through contact sites. Though some have had success.

In the UK local groups of people into the scene have occasional meetings called "munches" - just to meet up and talk rather than to scene. They can be a good way to meet new people safely.

You might also meet new friends online through blogs. Maybe start reading blogs of other subs and adding your comments - or even writing to blogger subs who seem friendly. It would be good to have other subs to talk to who have been through what you are going through now and who can offer you advice from personal experience.

I am sure you will find lots of men who want to do those things to you. The trick is to find ones who you can trust and who are interested in your satisfaction as well as their own.

Good luck K

Best wishes

P

Why won't he dominate me?

Hi Pygar

So… who am I, you ask? I think I'm a sub. I think I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I was very married and very vanilla for 24 years - - amicable divorce - - a chance encounter with a patient Dom flipped on all my switches and a thousand "ah-HA" moments. Played with a couple of other Doms before meeting the man I have been with, off and on, for the past 2+ years. We have had to work thru a series of very trying situations, situations that left both of numb for awhile. We haven't been in D/s mode for months now. Hell… we haven't even been intimate even in the vanilla sense for weeks and weeks. I miss him terribly. I miss my sub-ness. We have turned a corner in our healing, or so it feels to me. We have resumed holding each other, saying kind words, re-building the trust and are slowly moving forward…. But…. he won't respond to my efforts to be submissive. I call him Sir. I am of service to him. I am patiently waiting for him to lead again…. But one days rolls into another and another and another. He says he loves me. I tell him I love him. I worry he is no longer attracted to me, but can’t bring himself to say the words. I worry I've taken on a deadbeat loser - - he lost his job last month - - along with 2.5 million other people - - but still, the idea of helping support a man who won’t touch me - - much less step up and lead - - rattles me down to my bones some days.

This is one of those days.

So what…. You ask? Why am I writing you? I was wondering, from the "kind Dom" perspective, what suggestions you have to help my man know I need him to resume being a Dom? I feel so lost. I feel like I'm waiting for the microwave to "ding" and it just keeps spinning the empty bowl around and around. I ache to feel his firm hand on me. I ache for him to say the words, "good girl." I ache to see that swaggering confidence, that calm assuredness. I'd be happy to kneel at his feet, to use all the protocols we had in place before everything unraveled, but when I begin to display such behaviors, he tells me we are not "there" now. In a earlier state of desperation I suggested a bit more of a DD approach - - thinking some regular ass warming might help manage some of my insecurities as to who we are to one another. He (reluctantly) provided me with 3 very delicious spanking sessions and then said that to continue would be a farce as we aren’t in that kind of a relationship right now.

We have both said we want to get back there…. But I don’t know how long I need to be this good before he will allow me to feel him again. I recently saw a comedy sketch with a woman bellowing in her man's face, "WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME?!" - - and I felt so ashamed for myself thinking maybe I'm doing something similar…i.e., "WHY WON'T YOU DOMINATE ME?!" So I have completely backed off from making any requests, plans, hopes or aspirations. I'm just plugging thru one day at a time. We go to bed wrapped in each other arms, but he tacitly avoids my pussy, my breasts, my ass….

Tell me… please… from your perspective… is this a case of he just not being that into me?? Should I wake up, smell the coffee and throw in the towel (and all other related metaphors)? Or, is there something magical I might say or do to access his Dom-side??

I have no doubt he is a Dom. He was the one who introduced me to "The Loving Dom" book as a way of introducing me to his approach to D/s - - i.e., my behavior is my choice - - not something he wills of me. Not something he ever enjoys disciplining or punishing me for. And now, given that he doesn't not regard us as being in DD or D/s relationship tight now, I have wrapped up my gift of submission and put it on a shelf - - eagerly await some small sign from him that he is ready to accept it again.

Ok… that's all. Thanks for reading this. I hope that you are for real. I hope that you will read this and have some sage words of advice - - from your "Kind Dom" perspective.

Take care,

- t


Hello t

You say that you think you are a sub. Some women are very clear - though interestingly with more experience of subbing many also often learn to enjoy switching and dominating a partner at times. For some the submission is a part of their lives - something they need to help them recharge their batteries whereas for others it is a lifestyle choice.

My usual answer to people who write to me in a similar way to you is ... "communications". It is often the key but I can tell you have tried this. You have tried to be patient and understanding but are worried that you have lost something very important to you. I can understand your worry and distress.

But one thing struck me in what you wrote about your partner was that he had recently lost his job. You say you are worried that you have taken on a deadbeat loser and may be expected to support him.

I wonder how he feels about this? For many macho "Dom-type" men losing your job can be a terribly distressing blow that hits at the heart of your very being, self image and self confidence. To be your Dom, your Master - he has to feel strong and worthy. I wonder if he is in a state of depression and perhaps has been for some time before he lost his job. If he is then he will not have the confidence and strength to be your Master - to use you in the way you need. Perhaps at the moment he is the one who needs that framework of support.

Men are notorious for being unable to speak of their feelings - partly because they are not even good at recognising and analysing them. He may not even recognise he is depressed but become more so when he knows he can no longer satisfy you in the ways you need. Yet another blow to his self image encouraging the downward spiral.

You speak very movingly of how you have tried to maintain the relationship. You have done very well. When does one throw in the towel? I don't know t. Only you can know that. If I am right and depression is at the heart of it then it could be a long job rebuilding his self image. Therapy would be a useful part if he can recognise the value of it. Can D/s be a part too? Perhaps - but the responsibility of being your Master could be too much - and perhaps he can no longer visualise himself in that role.

Only you know the depth of your love for him and commitment to him and can decide if you can manage the immediate future.

Good luck

With very best wishes

P


Pygar -

Thank you! I have failed to see the obvious. I’ve been so concerned about him wanting me, needing me - - as a sub - - that I didn’t consider how he might actually NEED me in another capacity right now. And you are right…. He struggles with articulating his own needs. Ah Men! Dom men are maybe even worse at this, huh?

A few more ramblings here…. First off, I know I’m a sub. I wrote, “I think I’m a sub” as it is such a struggle not being able to be the sub I need to be right now in this relationship. And yes…. Being a sub is a need – not a want.. I have come to realize I don’t feel my true self unless I am in this mind-set/role. It was like finding a missing appendage when I discovered this about myself a few years ago. All of the fragmented pieces that never quite fit until I considered myself in this context, all fell into place. I had experienced a lifetime of inner turmoil up until then with wanting to be successful in the business world, independent and not “need” a man as women generations before me had, blah-blah blah - - yet also having a dark desire for a relationship that I was made to serve, to please, to feel the need for me and what I could offer. To suffer in the name of love. To hurt in the name of desire. To be disciplined when I fell short.. To be rewarded when I did well. To be my true self.

And I found this with this man. I discovered so much more about myself in our first months together. It was a time of such inner growth! I couldn’t wait to learn what he would require of me this week, having to be mindful of his needs and be respectful in my manner; learning to ask rather than proclaim, learning to control my own impulses for the greater good…. And then, Life started to get in the way: An unexpected death of someone dear; extreme stress at work; a small lie revealed; promises broken; a health concern; financial struggles; (and the list goes on and on)…. And with each issue, the D/s dynamic between us took a toll. Some protocols were forgotten; some of our routine was set aside; what I expected of him shifted and visa versa…. Now I sit beside him rather than at his feet. Kneeling is no longer required or desired of me. I haven’t crawled anywhere since last summer. My collar is in a drawer, not touched since gawd knows when. We have, essentially, become vanilla - - and I hate it.

- t

So how can t find her Master again? How can her Master rediscover his power over her?

Only punishment and no rewards

Good Afternoon, Sir,

Sir, i need some help and advise. i have not been in this lifestyle very long (my dom has been in the lifestyle over 5 years now), but i am troubled by the fact that there seems to be only punishment and not rewards. my Dom knows my needs, both sexually and just being with Him. It seems the slightest mistake from me creates the biggest punishments. i am struggling with not having the good stuff rewarded and only having the bad stuff recognized.

The situation is: We were messing around on MSN; i have been really watching my p's and q's, i had been asking permission for absolutely everything, i had been lower casing my 'i', upper casing anything to do with Him, i came back from lunch, i was back in work, i msn'ed "Did You miss me, master" and in that split second i forgot to check my MSN and sent it. my punishment is to clean his car from top to bottom, inside and out, which i am more than happy with, but the biggest punishment, the one i am finding harder to deal with is the enforced 'no contact' and the renegaging on the promise of a sleep over at the weekend. i have the absolutely craving to be with Him, He also knows that i have my sexual needs to be thought about, it is part of our contract that He is aware of them and what i need. i honestly do not think the punishment is suitable for the deed, but i cannot say. i have asked Him, respectfully, to read the contract, and highlighted this to Him.

Reading through this, it became more of a rant that a request for help, but it is helping me to not focus too much on the not speaking to Him.

Thank You, Sir

serenity.

PS i also forgot to mention that He said if i did it again, He was taking my collar away from me. Makes to too scared to have ANY contact with him, being on the constant knife edge.

releasing control

I have been exchanging emails for a little while with a woman who has left her husband who was also her Dom. She realised that she was in an abusive relationship rather than a loving D/s relationship. However she has been used to having every element of her life controlled for so long that she finds it difficult living without that control. In fact the control has conditioned her to such a degree that reconditioning herself is proving hard. I quote here from two of her emails.

I was looking at web sites quite a bit with hopes that i would find answers I but I have had to stop because I just get all turned on and frustrated and can't do anything about it cause I don't have permission from him. How can I break that so I can be satisfied and cum on my own without asking? I am truly having a mental block about that one. Am I that broken? That I can't even find satisfaction on my own? How retarded is that? How can you miss being spanked? Am i 5 again? Holy merde the wall and my head are making way too much contact , i gotta stop this, how can i shut down my mind?

. . . and then later . . .

Tried again, with a little more success. Maybe I am getting somewhere. At least I feel something if not actual release.
Is it wrong if I just hear his voice in my head as long as he isn't here when I actually cum? Or should I completely block him out. I just hear the words " cum for me now" in my head and I almost get there, but just can't seem to go over the edge. Then I hear " don't you dare cum bitch" or " you're not allowed to cum unless it is me that gives it to you" and it ruins it. Even with Mr Hitachi and Mr. kinky pinky. Maybe I am broken. Even the nipple clamps aren't working. I even tried flogging my own back and it felt good but I need the surprise of the smack. Then I start feeling guilty for even trying. Is this psycho. Should I just give up and go back to him? Doing this on my own is a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Any suggestions?

Books and Blogs

I have been asked for recommendations for books that discuss D/s in helpful and supportive ways. If you can recommend any good books then please add a comment.

There are many blogs and websites that offer serious discussion of D/s issues. Please also add recommendations for these.

I will try to get round to putting a list on the sidebar for easy reference.