punishment

ponderouspet wrote to me about punishment.

Hi there!

Been pondering a bit. I have issues when it comes to punishment. There are several ways to punish, but most of the "common" ways, would lead to disaster. We do not use spanking as punishment, one reason is that he doesn't feel to do that, since I like spanking, and feel that there wouldn't then really be a punishment. He is also fearing that I could end up not liking spanking. I know from childhood that I tend to end up resentfull of physical punishment. Then you have absence, now that brings fear and axiety. That can also end in resentment. You off course have yelling, but that would not work at all, since I react very badly to yelling. So how do you really punish a person that has all this? How to punish me when I am put together like this? Because, in D/s doesn’t there need to be punishments for it to work? I mean, doesn’t failure or breaking rules have to have consequences, and aren’t the usual idea that broken rule follows up by punishment? How to deal with that in a way that wont hurt the relationship?

I optet these thoughts on my last blogpost, and it keeps bugging my mind. It has been bugging my mind before. Nothing me and my man hasn't talked about before. I know he struggels with this to. He has actually asked me if there are a way he could punish without it hurting our relationship. So I then get the idea that he inded wish for having punishments... But we are both fairly new to the lifestyle, so things are hard to figure out.

- ponderouspet

I replied as follows

Thanks for writing ponderouspet

I've written quite a bit on Pygar about punishment I think.

I can understand you not wanting spanking as a punishment as that is currently a pleasure - so that could get confusing and difficult in a number of ways. There are punishments that can be equally as effective as pain. Many subs say that the worst punishment is being ignored. In a true D/s relationship I believe that the key "punishment" is a subs own knowledge that she has upset, disappointed or angered her Dom - and her sadness and distress at this. Any further punishment then becomes inconsequential.

I know some subs though feel that a physical punishment of some kind can wipe away the fault and take away their guilt - thus allowing them to begin afresh with a clean slate. In such a case perhaps it should be the sub who begs the punishment and may even suggest to her Dom what might be appropriate.

Having read your post I know you recognise yourself some of the issues from your past relating to punishment and your acceptance of it. I am sure that will continue to affect you now. I am concerned too about your previous need for cutting. I hope that D/s and bdsm may work together for you in ways that help you develop a positive and strong outlook. I know they have done for some other subs with similar experiences to yourself.

I enjoy "punishing" in a more light-hearted way. I have some sadistic tendencies so enjoy administering spankings, beatings and other painful activities. However this for me is more within the context of erotic or bdsm play rather than as a real punishments for active misdemeanours. I have not been in a true "domestic discipline" type of relationship - it is not my style I am afraid. In any case I am aware that praise can be more effective than punishment in controlling behaviour.

I am currently mentoring a sub who was distressed at the end of a long relationship. So far I have been using praise and pleasure for success as my main training tool. She is thriving on it - blooming even and feels she has grown into her submission much more in the last few months.

Does any of this make any sense?

I am not sure that I have really answered your question properly though - in which case I am sorry. Perhaps my readers may be more adept!

Good luck

Pygar xx

I will soon be writiting a companion pice on "A Kind Dom" about praise.

My previous posts on punishment can be found here:
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2008/09/punishment.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/02/submission-pain-and-masochism.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/03/pain-and-punishment.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/04/punishment.html

to wax or not to wax ...

I received the following email with an unusual question recently. Well it seemed unusual to start with - whether or not a sub should stop waxing at the instruction of a new Dom when it was a very special issue to her. In the end though the question wasn't really about waxing but about trust and understanding. The email exchange is here.

Dear Uncle Agony,

I am a follower of your blog and very much enjoy your writing and thoughts.

I am hoping you might be able to give me some advice from a Dominant Man's point of view.

I am very new to the D/s world. I recently met a man online and he is kind, not demanding (yet) and very attentive. I am looking forward to meeting him for the first time in a few months.

I am clean shaven (waxed). He prefers a lady "au natural". He has requested that I do not continue waxing, and allow my pubic area to go. I told him that this is something I do not want to do. He has given me one month to think things over, and then at the end of this month, we will discuss again.

I DO NOT WANT to stop waxing. I have made a list to discuss with him (my reasons why etc).

What are you thoughts regarding his request? Is he being unreasonable? It is my personal preference, and I just do not feel like a lady if I am not smooth all over!

I welcome any advice/help you might have time to give me.

Thank you very much.

star

My reply is here.

Dear star

Thank you for your email.

For myself - I prefer a woman clean shaven. I enjoy cunnilingus and hate getting hairs in my teeth! However that was not your question. It is about your partners wishes and your response.

Your new partner prefers a woman unshaven but your strong preference is the opposite. It seems a strange thing to have become such a big issue so early in the relationship. It is clearly very important to him in the same way that it is very important to you. But surely a developing relationship is not going to founder at its first hurdle over whether or not you wax.

I wonder rather whether he is testing you out - and trying to see how obedient you are prepared to be to him even over something very important to you. But it could be that he is just uncaring of your strong concerns.

However he has not instructed you not to wax. You say he has requested it. He has not threatened to punish you or close the relationship - he has given you a month to think it over before it will get discussed again. You are marshalling your arguments in the hope that he might relent. Perhaps if your arguments are good then he will do so.

However as well as power of argument I think it can be good for a sub to use other skills of persuasion. Many Doms might be influenced by some humility and gentle pleading in such a response. I wonder if rather than arguing with him you prostrated yourself and begged so very prettily to be allowed to keep yourself shaven it might prove to be more effective - and more indicative of your desire to submit to him and please him.

Perhaps it is good to have such a challenge early in the relationship. It is giving each of you an opportunity to explore how to resolve such disagreements within a D/s context. It may take some skill and care from you both to resolve.

Take care when you meet for the first time. I hope it all works out really well for you

Best wishes

Pygar

This was the start of a longer conversation which gives more background - but I wonder how my readers recommend star should respond?

A Road Block

I've just receive this email from Trance. She and her boyfriend are new to D/s but keen to move forward. However they seem to have come up against a road block. Any suggestions?

"Hi Pygar,

I recently began a new relationship. We’re both pretty kinky, and my boyfriend has expressed an interest in being dominant. I’ve known for years that I’ve been submissive, but I just recently started considering a D/s relationship. We’re moving very slowly, but making some progress. Recently we sort of hit a road block. I’m naturally pretty nervous about this whole thing, but my boyfriend says that I’m not submissive because I fight him on everything. I’ll admit that I do let my nerves and self-consciousness get the best of me sometimes, but I just assumed that every submissive went into it a little apprehensive and it was the Dom’s job to sort of train the submissive. Am I wrong? And any advice for overcoming my nervousness?

Thanks,

Trance."

I replied

"Dear Trance

I think there are so many complexities here. You have a new relationship, D/s is newish to each of you and conflicts are developing. Perhaps 'conflicts' is too strong a word. However there seems danger of real conflict if you cannot develop shared understandings. It would seem a great pity if rushing too quickly into discovering and experimenting with D/s destroyed your underlying relationship. If you can make your underlying relationship strong - with mutual trust and respect - then that will help the future development of a D/s relationship. You could end up with something very special.

For now - neither of you is wrong or right. There is no wrong or right. It is what can work for you.

He says you are not submissive because you fight him over everything. Perhaps he is right. You say it is the Dom's job to help you overcome your nervousness. Perhaps you are right.

At the moment I am with you. It is new to you - but you are apprehensive, nervous, looking for support and help in exploring your feelings and discovering a new direction. He is frustrated that you say you are submissive but cannot obey him. So he is confused and frustrated.

You are right to take it slowly. But it seems you could do with some support and mentorship from others. However in the end it is not how others have succeeded - it is how you are going to find the right path to success. I think your boyfriend needs to have some patience and understanding. He cannot command you into submission but with a little more delicacy then perhaps he might seduce you into submission.

Don't get angry and cross with each other. Just each try your best to understand the other and help each other to make it work. Talk about it - and listen to each other. If he can help you to discover and awaken your submission he will reap far more benefits than berating you for not being submissive.

You will overcome your nervousness when you truly and deeply trust your boyfriend and know that he will always care for you. In the meantime - don't fight him. Just explain when things are difficult. Expect him to listen and lead you again.

It isn't easy. Just work at it together.

Good luck

Pygar "

What do others think? How can they get past the road block?