Thursday, April 28, 2011

from husband to Dom - part 2

Shortly after the email from Ann published in the previous post I received this email from London.
Hi,
I was reading your blog and I wondered if you could possibly help me out a little.
I am interested in exploring my submissive side. I would prefer to explore this with my husband. The problem lies with the fact he is pretty vanilla in the bedroom. I have tried to spice things up, offer myself for service, and to tell him in romantic situations he can have what ever he wants. It really goes no where. Do you have any advice to possibly help?..
Thanks
London
It was interesting that this was similar to the email I had received from Ann. I replied:
Hello London

This is very difficult - and a problem that I know a lot of submissive women have. I know a number who want to explore their sub side but whose husbands have no interest at all. Some have worked with their husband to try to move things forward with varying degrees of success. I hope to publish an email from one such on Uncle Agony in the next few days.

I suppose communication is at the heart of this. It might be that you could try to be totally open with your husband about your needs and ask him directly if he would try taking a more dominant role in trying to meet your needs and desires.

Some men find this quite difficult. It contradicts what they believe is an appropriate way to show their love and respect for their wife. However it is only through sharing your needs and desires with him that you will be able to discuss such issues with him. Do recognise though that he may be upset at such revelations and the fact he did knot know you as well as he thought. So take it gently and with care.

Good luck

Pygar
London wrote straight back,
Pygar x,
Thank you so much for the advice. I have thought a lot about this since the email I sent you. A good friend of mine who is very vanilla but I trust their confidence, suggested I start making myself more attractive to him and to do things that please him. My friend suggested things like always wear something sensual to bed. To wear makeup and dress in ways I think he would like. My friend also suggested I do more around the house such as clean and bake more. My friend thinks that this could lead to the perfect conversation opener. He will certainly notice the changes in me and I can start the conversation by saying "it makes me very happy to pleasure and serve you."
What do you think?
And yes I have no problem with you publishing my emails.

Thanks,
London
What do readers think London should do? Should she try to talk it through with her husband as I suggested or should she follow her friend's idea and almost try to seduce him into dominating her?

21 comments:

  1. Starfish wrote a very interesting comment to the previous post here. I think it has a lot of relevance to London's question.

    - P

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  2. I can't comment on converting your husband but I can speak about the suggestions that were made. They are very similar to a belief that I hold called surrendering from the book the Surrendered Wife. This book comes at things from a females perspective on how you can change the way you come across to your husband/partner.

    I believe this is along the same lines as Taken in Hand which is more for a males perspective.

    Being submissive these principals fall right into line with how I want a relationship to be. While being submissive is easy for me, surrendering in a relationship is something that I strive to work at everyday.

    Good luck on your quest!

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  3. Thanks thesubmissivebf.

    I have looked up the book you have mentioned and it can be found here if others are interested.

    I'll also add it to suggested helpful books on the sidebar.

    P xx

    - P xx

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  4. Sounds as though London is doing the right things. She might even be able to serve Him and get a lot out of this even if He is not responsive in the way a Dominant would be.

    Serving in itself could be the short-term aim. He does not have to know for this to be an aim in itself.

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  5. Nicely said, Nick.

    I have a response for London. I hesitate to post it without asking permission first, because, like my last comment, it's lengthy.

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  6. Thanks Nick and Starfish. I like the idea Nick of serving itself becoming a short term aim.

    I am not sure Starfish from whom you feel you need permission to post a comment. All well intentioned comments are welcome - whatever their length. So please post away.

    - P

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  7. Thank you, Pygar, for the reference to my previous comment. I felt asking the blog owner's permission before posting another lengthy one was appropriate. :)

    This one came in a little over what Blogger would allow, so I am dividing it into two comments.

    Without question, communication is the foundation of any relationship. One would not go into business with another without first spelling out expectations on both sides. To do so would surely end in disaster, even if each partner has the best of intentions toward the other. Without communication, neither partner has a clear idea of what would please the other and make the business a success.

    The same is true in any personal relationship and is definitely critical to establishing a D/s relationship. However, communicating needs is sometimes very difficult for a woman. Many men, as you pointed out, will find it difficult if not impossible to engage in anything but the most gentle of actions toward their wives or partners.

    Look up the word “vanilla” in a dictionary and you’ll find a picture of my husband. :) I knew if I used the words “dominate me” he would curl up in a ball and cover his ears. But that would have been a reaction born of ignorance on his part and stupidity on mine. What he would hear would be “I want you to tie me up and flog me” and he could no more bring himself to do that than he could fly. I’ve read about and studied the D/s lifestyle. He has not. Therefore, I couldn’t expect him to automatically know how to be a dominant, or what kind of dominant I needed. He had no way of knowing that a D/s relationship can be as gentle or as intense as a couple wants it to be.

    So I planned carefully. I arranged a time when we could sit down together and talk, uninterrupted, with full attention on each other. I told my husband I‘d made a commitment to be a better wife and companion to him. He was intrigued and asked me why, because he assured me I was a “perfect” wife for him already and while I allowed that may be true (snicker) I told him this: “I choose to honor you, the man I love to distraction, with my submission. Everything I do or say, the way I look, the way I conduct myself in public, at home, and in the bedroom, is important because I want you to have a wife who pleases you in every way.”

    I had his attention. (Mostly because I am a stubborn, bullheaded woman and I’m sure he was dying to hear how I planned to make THIS happen!) He wanted to know what would change and what part he would play in this “new, improved” me. I told him we’d discuss and work it out as we went along, and that’s what we’ve done. We talk about everything! I ask him for support as I try to structure my work-at-home days and for advice in my business decisions. I request his physical attentions, accepting “no” gracefully (for the most part) when he says “not tonight.” In the bedroom, I encourage him by letting him know when something is not enough or too much. If something he does is more than I can handle, we start over, working back up to whatever it was so he can understand that a gradual build-up of sensation is not the same as “pain,” and that when he handles me differently I can take more, because he makes me need more—does that make sense? He can accept this. What he cannot accept is the thought that I would want him to actually “hurt” me. And because of communication, he doesn’t have to accept it.

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  8. I am always careful to communicate with my husband anytime he does something I like. For instance, one night he gripped my wrist while we were cuddling on the sofa. No reason, he just curled his fingers around my wrist and gripped it. The pleasurable shock made my breath “whoosh” right out of me and he picked up on it immediately. “You like that?” he asked, kind of bewildered.

    “I do,” I said to him. “It reminds me that you are stronger than me, and that you can and will take care of me, no matter what. I can feel your power when you do it.” He liked hearing that. Now he does it. A lot. I like that. :)

    Along with better communication, I made some physical changes as well. I pay a lot of (maybe too much!) attention to the way I look. I am a curvy, attractive, confident woman. I take good care of my skin, hair and nails, and I have them professionally attended to. I recently had my hair layered and highlighted. My husband definitely noticed and absolutely loves it. I use coconut-scented bath products (liberally) that he loves. I wear excellent quality makeup, lightly applied. I dress casually and well, and I bathe and dress for him in the evenings. These things definitely matter. Prepare yourself especially for your husband/partner. He will notice. And he will like it.

    I want him to be pleased when he looks at me, when we talk, and when we are in public. Above all, I want him to desire me as a friend, a wife, and a lover. He does. Very much.

    My best to London, and I sincerely hope she finds what she seeks. I hope my experiences are of some use to her and to anyone who embarks on this journey.

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  9. Arrggh... My entire comment was longer than Blogger would accept, so I posted it in two parts. I saw the first part appear before I posted the second, but now I don't see the first one. I am so very techno-challenged!

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  10. Dear Starfish

    I'm sorry you had problems with Blogger. It can be a pain sometimes. There was a duplicate post and it sent them to the spam folder. I have tried to delete duplicates and reinstate the posts in the right order.

    Thank you for taking the time to share this with us. I appreciate it.

    - P xx

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  11. Thanks, Pygar. Sometimes electronics just refuse to cooperate around me. A very expensive copier once gurgled and died when I walked into the room. Of course I was blamed for that but no one's ever been able to prove it. :)

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  12. No problem Starfish.

    However I am having problems with my printer at the moment. Yellow will just not print. That's nothing to do with you is it?

    :)

    -P xx

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  13. oh my! I have no sage wisdom to offer London as I could probably count myself in the same boat. But a huge thank you to Pygar and contributor Starfish for some wise words. reading Starfish I heard myself, my husband and our dilemma. This has given me something to take away and think on and maybe to act on.

    The dilemma is hardest when one wants to be led rather than to lead.

    Thank you again
    Lx

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  14. Thank you littleOne. Yes Starfish's contribution was very interesting. I hope it might help you in your own relationship. The distinction you make between leading and being led and the role of the sub is something I have been thinking about recently - so you may read more on "Kind Dom" soon!

    - Pxx

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  15. Thank you, littleOne. I am new at this myself, so my musings are almost as much for me to organize my thoughts and "see" what I am thinking as they are to be (hopefully) helpful to others. I am rather an introverted sort and unlikely to post a comment on any blog; however, I have found people in this community to be understanding, helpful, and patient with those of us who are finding our way. Both of Pygar's blogs (A Kind Dom and Uncle Agony) are wonderful resources, for which I am grateful.

    Pygar, I can't say for sure I didn't have anything to do with your printer woes. But like I said, never been proven. :)

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  16. I'm pleased you find my blogs such useful resources Starfish. Thank you for your kind words. I'll not blame you for my printer unless I can prove otherwise!

    - P xx

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  17. Pygar x and Starfish,
    Thank you so much for your help. I have started reading Surrendered Wife and have learned quite a bit. I have also started a few personal rules for myself to help me be a better wife and lover. (I call it my own submission) 1. I always go to bed freshly showered,and I use scented lotions and oils so my skin not only smells nice but is extremely soft to touch. I also have thrown out the flannel pajamas and have replaced them with silky and sensual ones that shows off my better assets. 2. Once my husband joins me in bed, all books, computers, or my cell gets put away, so I have 100 percent of my attention to focus on him. 3. I never say no to his advances and I make an extra effort to be excited and to show him how thrilled I am to be intimate with him. 4. I started holding my thoughts and words to myself when I am upset at him for trivial things. I guess you could say no more nagging and I am being more respectful. This is extremely hard for me because I am in the habit of lashing out when I am stressed or i am scared. 5. Diet, no soda and only allowed to have fast food and sweets when my husband gives them to me. I also drink at 64 ounces of water a day. 6. Exercise, at least 30 minutes a day, 5 times a week and yoga has to be at least twice.
    So far I have been committed to these rules for 3 weeks.
    Guess what? He noticed! He simply asked "what's up with the changes?" My mouth dropped. I seized the chance to tell him I wanted to be a better wife and I loved doing things to make him happy. At first he played the politically correct husband and said I was already perfect, but then asked about the book and I explained my personal rules. He asked if these rules made happier. I told him they have made me extremely happy and I love fulfilling his every need. He admitted he liked it too and wanted me to keep living by these rules.
    Wow results all resdy! Yeah! Thanks to everyone who has helped. I will keep you posted on progress. Thanks everyone.
    Sincerely..London

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  18. London...Wow! I am so happy for you! Thank you for the update and I'll look forward to hearing of your progress. Your successes encourage the rest of us and help us grow. My best wishes to you!

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  19. Well done London. I am so pleased things seem to be going well at the moment. I hope it is just the start of an amazing journey. Good luck and do keep us posted!

    - P xx

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  20. It is so nice to finally read something about a submissive wife (with a vanilla husband)and not see the reply as "sorry, can't be helped. He will never change and you can't change him." Thank you for this. My optimism has increased! I love my husband and I will take him no matter how he comes, but knowing that others have brought their husbands from vanilla to a more "sir" status is very comforting.

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  21. I am pleased it has been helpful Anonymous.

    Good luck

    P xx

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