How can I learn how to be a Dom?

Hi

My wife has had a successful D/s background, I have not and had a very staid previous set of conventional relationships. Her background includes an abusive mother, a father who died in her infancy, a rape, she is more than entitled to have dark and erotic sexual feelings. I am relatively gentle man, although large (6 5, 17 stone) and strong. Always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom. That doesn't work as well as it should for us. My wife enjoys rough sex, being treated as a slut,

We fell in love and were doing well, but other areas of our relationship are suffering. Whereas the lack of D/s in our lives was a nice to have that we didn't have - now I feel it's important to save our marriage, stop he being bored, ultimately leaving. I am an intelligent, successful man. I can learn and want to build on the conventional passion that is within me, but push through what currently needs conscious thought and put into into routine - if I can be so cold.

I have read and read, so much on the internet is people's opinion, experience. Does there exist a clear guide to being a D? Something that uses clear English, with examples of behaviours (she does not like or enjoy pain over that of a gentle spanking) such that I grow? She has talked of the way that I can hold her face, how I can act - but I sense her desire not to have to teach me, that is for me to grow into.

Any advice or reading you can share?

With thanks

N

~~~

Dear N

I know a few subs who have similar desires to your wife but who have husbands like yourself who have problems with this. One in particular described her husband very much like you as someone who was, "always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom." I do understand how this is an issue - but you are looking for ways to address it. You want to make it work and I feel from your mail that she does too.

Firstly though - I do not believe that there is a "right" way to be a Dom - any more than there is a "right" way to be a sub. What is important though is that you are each able to communicate your needs and desires and work hard to meet each others. So yes - it might be that sometimes you treat your wife more "roughly" than you may feel is right - but in a context where this is just sexual play. It can work well because she knows you are a caring and gentle person. That care and gentleness will be so effective at the end of such a scene where you hold and support one another.

It is your care and love for her and need to also express your gentleness that will distinguish between your play together and the abuse she has suffered in the past. It is good to look on the internet and perhaps find fantasies that you can act out together - but you need to find a way of finding fantasies that you can indulge in together. Part of your Domination of her can be that she carries out what you desire - helping to fulfil your own fantasies.

Perhaps she could direct you to some erotic fiction that she finds arousing - and you to her - so that you can each get a feel for each others desires. Then look for safe ways to investigate such fantasies - being prepared for them to sometimes go wrong but knowing you are each prepared to try again.

Do try. You clearly feel your marriage is at risk. Good communication is a start. Be prepared to review how things go - without blame - just thankful that each of you is trying.

Good luck!

Best wishes

Pygar

~~~

I am not sure I have really answered N's question - or have just put my own gloss on it. Perhaps others can offer better advice - from the Dom's or sub's perspective. I know many others have struggled with such issues and can perhaps give advice from your own direct experience.

"a virgin sub"

I have just received the following email:

HI,

I have a question for you and I am hoping that you can help me out.

I am a virgin sub. I have been “shopping” around, online (rolling eyes and sighing) for a Dom or Master who can train me. I have not had an easy time but have “met” someone that I have been talking to for about 2 months. He is very unique and has gotten me to grow in a couple of areas that vanilla men have not. However, I have some concerns about this man.

I will not bother you with some of them because some things are common sense to me. But this question deals with the particulars of BDSM.

I am was asked to go out and buy some clothes pins. I did not knowing what to do but had an idea. He is Long distance by the way so we IM a lot or text. We talk on the phone every now and then.

He asked me to web cam him. I indicated that I did not feel comfortable doing so. He indicated that he wanted to cam so he could show me how to use them without me hurting myself or damaging a nerve. I was very apprehensive about this.

First, I do not feel comfortable doing this at all. Why?

My thinking is that he has been trained, he has been, so he should be the one to do this.
1. I do not know my level of pain yet, I ‘THINK’ I am a masochist but do not know at what level. The pins to ME look more painful than a hand spanking, I have not had that yet.

2. I would like to think as a Dom or Master, he would like to have the opportunity to introduce this to me after he has actually played with me? I do not know am I being immature about this? We have not met yet, and sure as I stated he has taken me through some levels over the phone or through IM or what have you but nothing face to face. Not over a web cam!

I need your help in sorting this out. At what point does a Dom or Master wish or desire to get his hands on a trainee or mentee? I read about 2 to 3 months after meeting, but I know this is NOT written in stone it depends on the people involved. He hasn’t mentioned meeting yet at all. I do know that he is married, separated, living in separate domains, he has a live etc but I feel like, he could be a bit more energetically forth coming.

At this point, I am ready to give up! I have discovered this aspect of myself by “mistake” (are there truly any in life?)
I am 39 and feeling like I am too old! LOL. I look at the GIRLS on kink.com and just drool with envy.

How does a woman, who is professional, healthy, loving and submissive meet the Master of her dreams. LOL.

Thanks for listening if nothing else.

Cougar

My reply is here:

Dear Cougar

Thank you for your email.

In the end D/s relationships are built on trust - and this is especially important when one is trying out some BDSM activities for the first time. I can sense you are nervous as you are new to all this - but there also seems to be a certain lack of trust or communication between you and your online Master.

You say he has been "trained" but few are trained as a Master. The Dominant part is something one discovers in a similar way to how subs such as yourself discover their nature and begin to explore it. With BDSM activities though - there are dangers and any responsible Master will ensure he learns properly how to carry out specific activities safely.

There are many websites where one can get good information. There is no reason why you too should not do some Googling in relation to safety of activities if ever you are concerned. I doubt you will come to much harm with clothes pins. But they can hurt a lot - some though find they cope well with such pain - others less so. Because you are discovering your submissive nature does not mean you are a masochist and into pain. Though many subs who are not into pain enjoy such activities because it emphasises that they are controlled and serving their Master thus enhancing their submissive feelings.

But it seems to me at the moment that your Master is not skilled perhaps in the psychological and emotional aspect of recognising the anticipation, trepidation and even fear of a new or "virgin" sub as you put it. It is important that you discuss your fears with him honestly and openly and do not get bullied into doing what is not right for your own development.

It is interesting that you watch some of the Kink.com videos. Some of those are quite severe and certainly not what a new and nervous sub would start off with! But if that is where you want to get to then I am sure there will be many willing Masters to help you make progress. The art is in finding a skilled one who you trust.

At 39 you are certainly not too old. Earlier on this blog you will see a letter from another sub there younger than you who also felt she was getting too old. But I know many who have only discovered their submission as they get older and there are many Doms who will be delighted to meet you. How does one meet the Master of one's dreams? Well often by chance I suppose but I have found many kind people through blogging.

Good luck - and make sure as a "professional, healthy, loving and submissive" woman that you find a Master who deserves such a precious gift.

Do let us know how you get on.

Kindest regards

Pygar xxxx

I wonder what further advice readers can give?

I may be submissive ...

I have several questions, but I'll just ask one for right now. I'm 33 and finally come to the realization that I (may) be submissive. I have a tendency to date controlling men...I like a guy to be in control and make most of the decisions, but I don't want a controlling guy, a guy who will tell me I can't see my friends, for example. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound stupid. I like having my freedom, but I do always have this urge to please others. In the bedroom, however, I realize I like to be completely dominated.

I think like a lot of women, I want a guy who's self-confident and self-assured, but not necessarily a controlling, cocky asshole who treats me like crap. But if I were to try to find a Dom, will my age turn off most Dom's? I wish I had realized this in my early twenties, but I'm assuming most Dom's (like most men in general) prefer younger women. Would me being 33 make it harder for my first time Dom?

Thank you sincerely:)

t

Thank you t.

what you said made perfect sense and you certainly do not sound at all stupid. There are many who have controlling desires in some circumstances and a desire to be controlled in others. In particular the difference can be between in the bedroom and in the rest of one's life.

Yes of course you want your freedom - but one can gain freedom at times through letting go and giving someone else the control. It may seem a contradiction but it is one that many are happy to embrace.

Indeed it is important to be clear about the kind of control you want. I think one should be very wary of a dominant who wanted for instance to control who you had as friends. I think that could be quite dangerous and damaging.

There are many for whom submission is just something in the bedroom. However you may find that if you start to get on well with a dominant in the bedroom then "the bedroom" can extend into activities in the real world. It is all about trust and consent and desire.

Yes of course you want a self-confident and self-assured Dom and certainly not one who treats you like crap! That would not be a true Dom in my mind.

Forgive me if I was a bit amused at you worrying about your age! I was very close to a beautiful sub who is two years older than you. At my advance years I was worried about the age difference. To me she was a much younger woman but the age difference did not matter to her as she preferred the maturity and experience of older men. She is very much in demand because of her beauty, her sexuality and her delight in submission - though she too can be very confident and in charge in different situations.

So I do promise you that you are not too old.

I think there are other issues about finding your first time Dom. There are many pretend Doms out there and it can be difficult. But I have perhaps written enough for now and hope that others may offer better advice in the comments.

Conjecture about craving spanking

A has written to me asking about spanking and depression. I have written about depression and submission before here. But A's letter is more specific and directly related in particular to spanking.

Dear Dom,

I first became interested in spanking when unhappily married and resentful of my wife's actions. fantasies at that time were always of spanking her. Later an online friend introduced me to the idea of receiving spankings. Years later I eventually acted on some of these fantasies and have been spanked by woman friends on a number of occasions, and have fantasized about them far more often.

Now I am facing a possible need for anti-depressants and wonder if the desire to be spanked is related to the depression. Depression being anger turned inwards, and possibly thus craving the severe sting of the mistress' paddle and cane on my backside. I am wondering if the craving will dissipate when I am on antidepressant medication. I also wonder if the extra-marital spankings were a way of sexual acting out that is safer than a full blown sexual affair.

Any thoughts about these questions?

best wishes

A.

My response to A was:

I have found that many female sub friends suffer from severe depression and I have often wondered what the relationship may be between submission and depression.

Yes - you may be right about trying to avoid a full blown affair - only you can know that. But thee is the danger it could develop into an affair - and possibly very intense as BDSM relationships tend to have that additional intensity. So if that is likely to be a problem for you, beware!

I wonder though what my readers think? Is A's desire to be spanked related to his depression? Will it be dissipated if his depression is alleviated or cured? Have others had similar experiences?

BDSM without sex or fetish

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A sub's misconceptions about Doms

I have had the following email from M. I wonder if others have more ideas about how to persuade his sub friend that Doms do have feelings and an ability to love - if you too believe that to be the case.

I'm a 40 year old black professional male. Married for ten years with two kids. The past couple of years however I've been yearning for more and have gone considerably to the D/s lifestyle.

As of now, I'm in the midst of a very powerful relationship (currently long-distance and online) in which things are progressing considerably. Since she is fairly young, she has what I believe are several misperceptions about the lifestyle. The biggest one is that Doms are devoid of feelings or don't have an ability to love.

I was wondering your thoughts about this.

Thanks in advance.

--M

I wonder M if some of those misconceptions come from experience or just a misconception from the outside? But if she does believe that is the case then why would she want a relationship with a Dom unless she wishes to be used in an unfeeling way? There are subs who do crave such treatment.

However I am assuming that she does want a loving relationship with a Dom and needs reassurance that Doms are capable of such feeling and want to nurture and care for their sub.

In my own experience and those of other couples I know their D/s relationships are invariably loving. There is something about the commitment of D/s that provides a greater emotional intensity rather than a less emotional one.

I think if she were to read the comments by Doms on my Pygar - A Kind Dom blog she would recognise people who have genuine feelings and who care for and love their subs. Perhaps she might then follow on to read some of their blogs too. Though reading blogs by subs where they describe the nature of their relationships can also give a flavour of this.

Good luck to you both.

avoiding abusive Doms

On my Pygar blog there have been a number of discussions about the issue of abuse and how it is distinguished from Dominance. In a comment to a recent post:

Anonymous said... as a newbie sub, I would appreciate any advice you could give as to how to avoid the abusers...especially when the starting point is meeting online?

That of course is the difficult question. How can one ever know? Does initial online contact make this problem worse rather than easier?

Online anyone can pretend to be anyone they want to I suppose - but I have to say that I have got to know many good people online. I have found that people I have met from my blogs rather than from contact sites have all been genuine. Perhaps it is more difficult to keep up a false facade on an ongoing blog than to maintain a false profile on a contact site.

So perhaps one answer might be to start a blog about your own needs and desires and see if you make friends. Those friendships could turn into something more.

Having said this I have also met some good people through contact sites - one of whom then started her own blog and is a good online friend.

In the end though you will need to trust to your own instincts. Because someone claims to be a Dom it does not mean you have to accept their control and give up your common sense. Trust can take some time to earn and an understanding Dom should realise this. be careful though - I have found that online relationships can become very intense very quickly. Perhaps even more so than real-time ones. So keep your sense of perspective and common sense and ensure that Dom's you meet spend time to earn your trust and respect and recognise the preciousness of the gift you bring.

What do others think? Any tips or advice?

I am sure other subs might have some useful contributions from their own experience.