Uncle Agony

reading and learning

2011-12-05T17:43:00.002Z

A dominant man wrote recently to ask for advice. He feels he is still learning and asked if I could recommend further sources of information. There are some books listed on the sidebar that have been recommended by readers.

If anyone has any further recommendations for books or websites please let me know in a comment here or an email and I will add them to the sidebar list.

Thanks

- P

should I compromise for my husband?

2011-09-30T14:09:00.001+01:00

I just received this email from signed loving who is in a Domestic Discipline relationship.

Pygar..

I have a question. My husband and I are fairly new to Domestic Discipline its going wonderfully for us and we couldn't be happier. There's just one thing my husband/master wants me to go to his family's house and his family and I have recently had a falling out. He said he wants to me to make up with them when I'm ready and doesn't want to push me on this BUT I feel like he is disappointed in me that I do not go around them. I do Not want this to hinder the bliss we have been having. Any advice? you can read more about my issues with them on my blog .. signedloving.blogspot.com I have mentioned it some on there.

As I have no direct experience of Domestic Discipline my response was fairly general.

Hello signed loving

I'm afraid I'm not a experienced in Domestic Discipline but I think in all D/s situations we find what works right for us as a couple. A lot of it is about love and respect in both directions - and that will be the case in any relationship.

It is clearly upsetting to your husband that you have fallen out with his family and that you are not ready to go round to their house. It is clearly abig issue for you that you find making up so difficult. I think your husband is being very reasonable and understanding. He could just tell you to do it as he expects your obedience - however he has said he wants you to make up when you are ready and does not want to push you. It would be a shame if this got in the way of your blissful relationship. I think you could talk with him about how you feel and your fear that you are disappointing him and discuss ways in which you both might work together at resolving the situation with his family.

The longer you leave it though the more difficult it might be. It could be worth biting your tongue and going to them and apologising even if you know it was not your fault. You might be surprised by their response and get apologies in return. But you and he know the individuals best. Talk through how the situation can be resolved and try to deal with it quickly.

Good luck

Pygar

Any thoughts? Perhaps if you too are in a DD relationship you may have another perspective.

"... is this the Domly way?"

2011-09-19T13:13:00.000+01:00

J wrote to me with this query:

"I am new, rapidly "collared" by someone whom I thought cared and would mentor and guide me. Over time I just felt him as indifferent toward me and distrust grew. When I asked for guidance and to just plain "talk to me" I was always accused of topping. To prove my submission. I was instructed to approach a stranger, suck him off and take a picture of my cum filled mouth.....his words.....GAG When I said I could not..I was released and chastised and a wanna be and not a sub. That is something I would never do....and my reasons are valid. I understand the reason behind the task...but feel there are other ways to evaluate surrender. Ok...now my question... Is this the Domly way?? Is it unDomly to treat with respect and not pass your sub around?? Is the sensual Dom any different?"

My reply was:

"Sadly many have found it so though it should not be. There is no "Domly way" but there are plenty who think they are Doms and pretend to be when in reality they are just misogynists who get off on power. If you frequent any of the BDSM contact sites you will find many of them - in fact it will be hard to avoid them! In reality though a good Dom cares for his sub and knows and understands her limits. He may push gently at the edges trying to extend those limits - or if he breaks them will know what he is soing and why and what the reaction of his sub will be - but doing it for his sub rather than for himself.

You will often see phrases from Doms such as "it isn't about what you want it is about what I want." Of course in the dynamic that is true. However I believe that in a good D/s relationship each are caring about the needs and desires of the other. Finding the right person will be hard. It is hard enough is it not in a vanilla relationship. Finding the right Dom can be even harder. But don't give up. I am sure he may be out there."

What do readers think? Is this the Domly way?

punishment

2011-07-25T11:35:00.001+01:00

ponderouspet wrote to me about punishment.

Hi there!

Been pondering a bit. I have issues when it comes to punishment. There are several ways to punish, but most of the "common" ways, would lead to disaster. We do not use spanking as punishment, one reason is that he doesn't feel to do that, since I like spanking, and feel that there wouldn't then really be a punishment. He is also fearing that I could end up not liking spanking. I know from childhood that I tend to end up resentfull of physical punishment. Then you have absence, now that brings fear and axiety. That can also end in resentment. You off course have yelling, but that would not work at all, since I react very badly to yelling. So how do you really punish a person that has all this? How to punish me when I am put together like this? Because, in D/s doesn’t there need to be punishments for it to work? I mean, doesn’t failure or breaking rules have to have consequences, and aren’t the usual idea that broken rule follows up by punishment? How to deal with that in a way that wont hurt the relationship?

I optet these thoughts on my last blogpost, and it keeps bugging my mind. It has been bugging my mind before. Nothing me and my man hasn't talked about before. I know he struggels with this to. He has actually asked me if there are a way he could punish without it hurting our relationship. So I then get the idea that he inded wish for having punishments... But we are both fairly new to the lifestyle, so things are hard to figure out.

- ponderouspet

I replied as follows

Thanks for writing ponderouspet

I've written quite a bit on Pygar about punishment I think.

I can understand you not wanting spanking as a punishment as that is currently a pleasure - so that could get confusing and difficult in a number of ways. There are punishments that can be equally as effective as pain. Many subs say that the worst punishment is being ignored. In a true D/s relationship I believe that the key "punishment" is a subs own knowledge that she has upset, disappointed or angered her Dom - and her sadness and distress at this. Any further punishment then becomes inconsequential.

I know some subs though feel that a physical punishment of some kind can wipe away the fault and take away their guilt - thus allowing them to begin afresh with a clean slate. In such a case perhaps it should be the sub who begs the punishment and may even suggest to her Dom what might be appropriate.

Having read your post I know you recognise yourself some of the issues from your past relating to punishment and your acceptance of it. I am sure that will continue to affect you now. I am concerned too about your previous need for cutting. I hope that D/s and bdsm may work together for you in ways that help you develop a positive and strong outlook. I know they have done for some other subs with similar experiences to yourself.

I enjoy "punishing" in a more light-hearted way. I have some sadistic tendencies so enjoy administering spankings, beatings and other painful activities. However this for me is more within the context of erotic or bdsm play rather than as a real punishments for active misdemeanours. I have not been in a true "domestic discipline" type of relationship - it is not my style I am afraid. In any case I am aware that praise can be more effective than punishment in controlling behaviour.

I am currently mentoring a sub who was distressed at the end of a long relationship. So far I have been using praise and pleasure for success as my main training tool. She is thriving on it - blooming even and feels she has grown into her submission much more in the last few months.

Does any of this make any sense?

I am not sure that I have really answered your question properly though - in which case I am sorry. Perhaps my readers may be more adept!

Good luck

Pygar xx

I will soon be writiting a companion pice on "A Kind Dom" about praise.

My previous posts on punishment can be found here:
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2008/09/punishment.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/02/submission-pain-and-masochism.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/03/pain-and-punishment.html
http://xpygarx.blogspot.com/2011/04/punishment.html

to wax or not to wax ...

2011-07-21T08:38:00.000+01:00

I received the following email with an unusual question recently. Well it seemed unusual to start with - whether or not a sub should stop waxing at the instruction of a new Dom when it was a very special issue to her. In the end though the question wasn't really about waxing but about trust and understanding. The email exchange is here.

Dear Uncle Agony,

I am a follower of your blog and very much enjoy your writing and thoughts.

I am hoping you might be able to give me some advice from a Dominant Man's point of view.

I am very new to the D/s world. I recently met a man online and he is kind, not demanding (yet) and very attentive. I am looking forward to meeting him for the first time in a few months.

I am clean shaven (waxed). He prefers a lady "au natural". He has requested that I do not continue waxing, and allow my pubic area to go. I told him that this is something I do not want to do. He has given me one month to think things over, and then at the end of this month, we will discuss again.

I DO NOT WANT to stop waxing. I have made a list to discuss with him (my reasons why etc).

What are you thoughts regarding his request? Is he being unreasonable? It is my personal preference, and I just do not feel like a lady if I am not smooth all over!

I welcome any advice/help you might have time to give me.

Thank you very much.

star

My reply is here.

Dear star

Thank you for your email.

For myself - I prefer a woman clean shaven. I enjoy cunnilingus and hate getting hairs in my teeth! However that was not your question. It is about your partners wishes and your response.

Your new partner prefers a woman unshaven but your strong preference is the opposite. It seems a strange thing to have become such a big issue so early in the relationship. It is clearly very important to him in the same way that it is very important to you. But surely a developing relationship is not going to founder at its first hurdle over whether or not you wax.

I wonder rather whether he is testing you out - and trying to see how obedient you are prepared to be to him even over something very important to you. But it could be that he is just uncaring of your strong concerns.

However he has not instructed you not to wax. You say he has requested it. He has not threatened to punish you or close the relationship - he has given you a month to think it over before it will get discussed again. You are marshalling your arguments in the hope that he might relent. Perhaps if your arguments are good then he will do so.

However as well as power of argument I think it can be good for a sub to use other skills of persuasion. Many Doms might be influenced by some humility and gentle pleading in such a response. I wonder if rather than arguing with him you prostrated yourself and begged so very prettily to be allowed to keep yourself shaven it might prove to be more effective - and more indicative of your desire to submit to him and please him.

Perhaps it is good to have such a challenge early in the relationship. It is giving each of you an opportunity to explore how to resolve such disagreements within a D/s context. It may take some skill and care from you both to resolve.

Take care when you meet for the first time. I hope it all works out really well for you

Best wishes

Pygar

This was the start of a longer conversation which gives more background - but I wonder how my readers recommend star should respond?

A Road Block

2011-07-17T11:29:00.000+01:00

I've just receive this email from Trance. She and her boyfriend are new to D/s but keen to move forward. However they seem to have come up against a road block. Any suggestions?

"Hi Pygar,

I recently began a new relationship. We’re both pretty kinky, and my boyfriend has expressed an interest in being dominant. I’ve known for years that I’ve been submissive, but I just recently started considering a D/s relationship. We’re moving very slowly, but making some progress. Recently we sort of hit a road block. I’m naturally pretty nervous about this whole thing, but my boyfriend says that I’m not submissive because I fight him on everything. I’ll admit that I do let my nerves and self-consciousness get the best of me sometimes, but I just assumed that every submissive went into it a little apprehensive and it was the Dom’s job to sort of train the submissive. Am I wrong? And any advice for overcoming my nervousness?

Thanks,

Trance."

I replied

"Dear Trance

I think there are so many complexities here. You have a new relationship, D/s is newish to each of you and conflicts are developing. Perhaps 'conflicts' is too strong a word. However there seems danger of real conflict if you cannot develop shared understandings. It would seem a great pity if rushing too quickly into discovering and experimenting with D/s destroyed your underlying relationship. If you can make your underlying relationship strong - with mutual trust and respect - then that will help the future development of a D/s relationship. You could end up with something very special.

For now - neither of you is wrong or right. There is no wrong or right. It is what can work for you.

He says you are not submissive because you fight him over everything. Perhaps he is right. You say it is the Dom's job to help you overcome your nervousness. Perhaps you are right.

At the moment I am with you. It is new to you - but you are apprehensive, nervous, looking for support and help in exploring your feelings and discovering a new direction. He is frustrated that you say you are submissive but cannot obey him. So he is confused and frustrated.

You are right to take it slowly. But it seems you could do with some support and mentorship from others. However in the end it is not how others have succeeded - it is how you are going to find the right path to success. I think your boyfriend needs to have some patience and understanding. He cannot command you into submission but with a little more delicacy then perhaps he might seduce you into submission.

Don't get angry and cross with each other. Just each try your best to understand the other and help each other to make it work. Talk about it - and listen to each other. If he can help you to discover and awaken your submission he will reap far more benefits than berating you for not being submissive.

You will overcome your nervousness when you truly and deeply trust your boyfriend and know that he will always care for you. In the meantime - don't fight him. Just explain when things are difficult. Expect him to listen and lead you again.

It isn't easy. Just work at it together.

Good luck

Pygar "

What do others think? How can they get past the road block?

love in the lifestyle

2011-05-16T13:15:00.000+01:00

SouthernSir sent me this interesting question (and later his own response which I agree with.) He and I would be interested in readers' views on this.

Hello Pygar

I am curious about how one feels regarding how love fits in to the BDSM lifestyle.
In reading various resources I have noticed that there are many Dom's who feel
that love towards one's sub is actually a detriment to the relationship and the lifestyle as a whole.
Once a Dom begins to feel emotion's towards their sub it changes the dynamics of the relationship
in such a way that to some they feel it makes them weak, or because of the fact that they now love this person that
they feel they are now no longer able to push their subs limits out of fear of hurting them.
Doesn't love make you stronger not weaker in any relationship?
How can one truly guide someone and push their boundaries in all ways if they do not truly care for that person?

Curious on thoughts about this.

Respectfully yours
SouthernSir

I replied,

Thank you SouthernSir for your interesting email.

I feel a caring relationship with a sub is essential. Just my approach. I feel that a real attachment between sub and Dom is key to such relationships. How could a sub give herself totally to her Dom if she did not feel she was cared for - and yes, loved?

I find I have to have a strong affection for a sub and I am not frightened to call it love. Her submission is something precious - to give this deserves respect, care and love.

If a Dom feels no emotion towards his sub then I worry he is not a Dom but an abuser.

I agree strongly with you that love makes you stronger not weaker in a relationship.

You are right that it is possible to push boundaries when there is trust and respect and a true knowledge of care and love.

- Pygar

So what do readers think?

from husband to Dom - part 2

2011-04-28T19:30:00.000+01:00

Shortly after the email from Ann published in the previous post I received this email from London.

Hi,
I was reading your blog and I wondered if you could possibly help me out a little.
I am interested in exploring my submissive side. I would prefer to explore this with my husband. The problem lies with the fact he is pretty vanilla in the bedroom. I have tried to spice things up, offer myself for service, and to tell him in romantic situations he can have what ever he wants. It really goes no where. Do you have any advice to possibly help?..
Thanks
London

It was interesting that this was similar to the email I had received from Ann. I replied:

Hello London

This is very difficult - and a problem that I know a lot of submissive women have. I know a number who want to explore their sub side but whose husbands have no interest at all. Some have worked with their husband to try to move things forward with varying degrees of success. I hope to publish an email from one such on Uncle Agony in the next few days.

I suppose communication is at the heart of this. It might be that you could try to be totally open with your husband about your needs and ask him directly if he would try taking a more dominant role in trying to meet your needs and desires.

Some men find this quite difficult. It contradicts what they believe is an appropriate way to show their love and respect for their wife. However it is only through sharing your needs and desires with him that you will be able to discuss such issues with him. Do recognise though that he may be upset at such revelations and the fact he did knot know you as well as he thought. So take it gently and with care.

Good luck

Pygar

London wrote straight back,

Pygar x,
Thank you so much for the advice. I have thought a lot about this since the email I sent you. A good friend of mine who is very vanilla but I trust their confidence, suggested I start making myself more attractive to him and to do things that please him. My friend suggested things like always wear something sensual to bed. To wear makeup and dress in ways I think he would like. My friend also suggested I do more around the house such as clean and bake more. My friend thinks that this could lead to the perfect conversation opener. He will certainly notice the changes in me and I can start the conversation by saying "it makes me very happy to pleasure and serve you."
What do you think?
And yes I have no problem with you publishing my emails.

Thanks,
London

What do readers think London should do? Should she try to talk it through with her husband as I suggested or should she follow her friend's idea and almost try to seduce him into dominating her?

from husband to Dom?

2011-04-26T15:06:00.000+01:00

Ann wrote to me with this interesting email.

Greetings Pygar,

I have been following your blog for a short while and appreciate the topics you address along with the response garnered by your followers.

I was initially drawn to the D/s lifestyle though romantic fiction and now crave real life conversation to further inform me on the possibilities.

In this quest, I have made contact with my local BDSM group and even managed to attend a munch with my husband!

Below is a rough breakdown of our most important experiences.

• He previously (before the D/s conversations started) broke my trust by not respecting NO. We are on our way to repairing that but my trust is still shaky.
• Our first scene went horribly emotionally wrong. We did not inform ourselves and there was no safe word. *cringe*
• He refuses to submit to me when we attempt bedroom scenes. He says he wants to be punished. We obviously need to clear up some language and behavioral rules here. If he wants the "punishment" then it isn't punishment, it is a reward. For good behavior. For submitting. (This particular conversation has been had but I feel like the blind leading the blind here!)
• He currently initiates take down scenes which are very therapeutic for me. I can see the potential for the Dom I think I want here. He knows what I need.
• I'm afraid I will overwhelm him with my intensity of emotion and he will feel OBLIGATED as my husband to do this for me.

Ultimately, I have discovered that I do crave submitting. But I fear he does not crave my submission. Have a put myself between a rock and hard place? Or am I just impatient?

Thanks for listening, Ann

I replied with the following email.

Dear Ann

There is so much in here I am unsure where to start. Thank you though for writing. I am pleased that you have found my posts and the responses helpful. The commenters usually speak far more sense than me!

You mentioned finding D/s through romantic fiction. I am sure for many of us such fiction has lead us to search for similar real time experiences. Do be wary though. Fiction and fantasy can often be very different from reality. In BDSM as well as romance the dreams of the novels are rarely brought to fruition in real life.

It is great that you have been to a munch or something similar with your husband and met real people. But even in that - all "real" people have their own reality. There is no reason why you should not create your own reality.

You have had a lot of challenges in your real-time journey. In particular not taking "no" for an answer, needing and lacking a safe word, your overwhelming him with your own emotions ... all strike me as key.

In craving submission but being unsure of your partner's ability to meet your needs you find yourself in the same position as many of my online sub friends. It is a difficult and insecure place. No - you are not just impatient. However patience may be the key for now.

You are at the beginning so taking things slowly - or at least at a pace that seems comfortable to both of you would be a good thing. I know though how impatient I get in new BDSM relationships and know that I tend to rush things! To my cost though I know that can be a mistake.

I think communication is the key and a desire to understand each other and take account of each others developing needs. I wonder also if you each are yet aware fully aware of your own desires and needs let alone the others? You each seem to have been playing in different roles as sub and Dom - perhaps exploring and discovering. Many do like to switch though others (including myself) feel to be happiest in one role. I wonder too whether you are just exploring the more physical side of BDSM or also the more psychological aspects of D/s and where they overlap?

Do read lots, learn what you can, remember that there are dangers - emotional and psychological as well as physical, take care of each other, have fun and enjoy yourselves.

With kind regards and very best wishes

Pygar xxxx

So what do readers think? Is Ann just being impatient?

Where are the real life Doms?

2011-04-06T20:32:00.000+01:00

I've just received the following questions from puppy:

um im 18 an tired of dating boys who are so weak that i get away with anything from teasing them and then saying no and then they just stop like what is that they want me but they don't understand that i want/need someone to tell me what to do and be stronger than me.

well anyways i went to online place to meet men and wrote what i was looking for in a man and was so swamped with responses that it was freaking me out.

finally one man he is 42 years old knew exactly what i needed the thing is he wants to cam first which i don't mind we already exchanged lots of pics and stuff. The problem i am having is what if he doesnt want to really meet me which i want more than anything the what if part comes from maybe he only wants online sub instead of real life.

i know i am a sub and have been since i was a little girl but where are the real life Doms if there are any? And how do i sort the fakes who only want online girls to the ones who want real life?

sorry for my bad spelling

tyvm if you can help me?

- puppy

I replied as follows:

Hello puppy

Thank you for writing. I'm not sure how much I can help but I will try.

I think if you tease boys and then say 'no' - they are right to stop.
You might want to go further but there are girls who just like to
tease and when they say 'no' mean 'no'. A man going too far in such
circumstances could lead to serious consequences.

The whole point of BDSM and D/s is that it is consensual. The way it
works for each couple is worked out over time - so it may be that in a
particular relationship 'no' does not always mean 'no'. However the
Dom would understand the sub well enough to know when that is the
case. Often in such relationships they may have a 'safe word' - and that
really should mean 'no'.

However I can understand your frustrations. If you have been dating
men close to your own age I think few will have the life experiences,
knowledge and experience to be a true Dom. There may also be much for
you still to learn about your submission. That may be why you have
found an older Dom to help you on your journey.

Is he the one for you? Does he want real time or just online? I cannot
tell - you will need to decide that on your own. However as you have
found there are a lot of predatory men on contact sites. Many of them
may pretend to be into D/s when in truth they are just after sex. It
might be that the man you have met online already has a real-time
relationship and only wants online play.

However meeting someone who you only know from the internet can also
be full of potential dangers. So if and when you meet someone make
sure you take appropriate measures to ensure your personal safety.

I do understand your difficulties in meeting a Dom and your eagerness
to get some real experience. However do try to be patient and get it
right. It could be that attending local munches might be a way of
making friends on the scene. You will get lots of friendly advice,
invitations to events and may even meet a Dom who is right for you.

Good luck - I do hope you find what you are searching for.

Best wishes

Pygar

Perhaps readers can offer some further advice to puppy.

A Question for Q&A month

2011-03-18T16:56:00.003Z

Naughty Monkey is a very naughty monkey and has sent me a question.

"How much physical damage is too much, for you? What are your limits on that? How much is too much? Where do you and yours draw the line? Bad bruising, welts, drawing blood, marks lasting a few days , or a few weeks, permanent scarring? No marks at all? What are your feelings on this topic?"

My answer ...

Well, I am not eager to mark. For me that is not the point of it. I do not particularly gain my pleasure from the marks or bruises as much as from the response of my partner.

Having said that I will contradict myself a little in saying that I do like to see some marks. For instance the stripe left by the cane or the reddening of skin from a spanking or paddling. But it is these immediate marks that give me pleasure rather than longer lasting ones.

However I know that many subs enjoy being marked. They like to see lasting marks as a memory of a session and enjoy seeing them change and fade over time. Where that is the case then I am of course happy to comply - within reason.

I have no desire to cause serious bruising and certainly not permanent damage or harm. I have an aversion to blood and would not wish to cause bleeding. The only case in which I would consider deliberately causing a permanent mark was as part of a special commitment with a permanent partner.

Does that answer your question dear monkey?

What about my other readers? How much physical damage is too much for you?

protection

2011-02-01T13:34:00.001Z

I had been intending to write on the Kind Dom blog about this subject. I will do so soon. However by chance I got this email from J:

My question is about something you've mentioned before.

Recently, I was placed "Under Protection" of someone. I wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but HE explained it to me as such.

I had been considering placing you under protection, and even mentioned it to [his slave].
It's usually a bit strange for a Trainer/Master to approach someone about this but since Protocol isn't something you are very into I thought I would make an exception. ;)
There is some Protocol to this kind of arrangement, but very little.
The main thing that I ask is that you take my input and consideration seriously and think it over before making a decision on whatever topic is under discussion.
That does not mean that you have to do what I say of course, just as I said, take my advice seriously.
I think it would be benificial to you and I wouldn't worry as much about you. :)

So, that being said, agreed. I'm pretty headstrong, and I in NO way wanted to be TOLD what to do, but the way I read it, he had no intention on ordering me to do anything.

I travel for work. I've travelled for work for 4 years. But I got back from travelling yesterday, and the first thing out of his mouth when I went to his house to hang out was "you didn't ask my permission to go."
I didn't think I needed to. It's mny JOB, I don't think I should have to ask permisson of ANYONE to work.

Furthermore, he told me I wasn't allowed to go see my long-distance boyfriend over Valentine's Day. Mind you, he's never MET my boyfriend. But was disallowing me from seeing him.
I mean, I'm gona go see him anyway,I'm an adult, but heres my question;

That crosses a pretty serious line, right?
Based on his OWN message to me, he's over stepped his bounds.

Question 2; Any good ideas on how to dissolve this situation without brusing an ego or hurting a friendship?

Thanks!

I rather thought that her protector was pushing the boundaries too far and replied in this way:

Dear J

I was surprised at first that you talked of "being placed 'Under Protection' " in a way that implied it had been the Dom's decision. I feel that is inappropriate. It might be that a friend who is a Dom might offer protection when they feel you are in danger - even from yourself - and need advice and support. But it is not something that one imposes on another. Rather to my mind it is something that comes about from agreement.

I can agree with what your "protector" explained was his role - but certainly not with how he is carrying it out. In his admonishment of you for going away he was being controlling and punitive. It seems totally inappropriate.

I would tell him you are not prepared to accept his "protection" in that form. Given that he cannot keep to his own guidelines I would be wary of accepting it from him in any form. I feel that trust has been broken in this case. Yes he stepped over the bounds. After that it can sometimes be hard to step back again.

But he is a friend - so how do you deal with it? You don't want to hurt his feelings (we Doms are such sensitive creatures! LOL) I think you should explain that while you appreciate his advice and support and will continue to take it seriously you cannot accept the level of control he wishes to impose. I am sure you can find the words to do it appropriately. If he is not prepared to accept this and tries to impose his own solution - then I think you will need to ask yourself if he can remain a friend when he acts in such a way. There would be such lack of respect that for me it would be hard to maintain the friendship.

I hope that helps.

You will of course do what you feel is best.

Best wishes

Pygar

What do readers feel? Was this overstepping the bounds of "protection"?

Could converting to a D/s relationship ruin a wonderful friendship?

2011-01-05T16:54:00.001Z

George has written this interesting email:

Hi there. I recently became involved with a beautiful girl who has fulfilled all the things I ever wanted in a woman. Smart, funny, driven, loving, and so forth. The feelings are reciprocal too, which is an amazing feeling. I feel extremely lucky. (The number of times I unthinkingly used the word "feel" or "feeling" should be an indicator of how happy I am.)

A couple of weeks ago, she revealed to me that she is what to me (as an outsider to the BDSM community, with all my stereotypes that come from benign ignorance) seems to be a "textbook" sub. She wants to submit completely to me sexually, let me humiliate and degrade her, take her completely in my thrall, have her will subsumed by mine. We have done some light D/s play with ordering her to do this or that act, light slapping of various parts, hair-pulling, responsible choking, and so forth. However. :) There is always a however.

While on one level I find this profoundly erotic, sexually satisfying in a way I have never been sexually satisfied, it also frightens me a little bit. When I was married to my ex-wife we did some of this "light" BDSM but I never really unleashed this Dom facet that I know is inside my brain to the extent my beautiful girlfriend needs me to. She is amazing in so many ways; emotionally healthy; upbeat. I am afraid "converting" to a D/s-type relationship will ... I don't know, ruin things? How do I balance dominating this girl who I love very much, and by whom I am so perfectly loved, with a D/s sexual relationship? I think that she truly needs to be dominated to be sexually fulfilled. She had a very difficult upbringing in that she was forced to grow up early. Giving up her control and surrendering to the world gives her the relief from her responsibility she needs. I am more than happy to do this for her. But I don't want to lose the hand-holding, kissing, laughing sweetness of a traditional relationship which I take so much pleasure in.

When I say I am "happy to do this for her," I mean it is very sexually satisfying for me as well. I'm not just doing this because she wants me to. I do it because it is something I enjoy as well.

I work hard to be very nice, respectful, considerate in my life without allowing myself to be a doormat. It is nice to unleash my inner Type A in a way I know it will be appreciated and respected.

Can you please provide some input on maintaining a healthy long-term relationship with aggressive D/s features.

Thanks.

I found George's email very interesting. He seems to be a lucky man!

I replied in the following manner:

I really do not think you need to worry at all. She is enjoying this approach and you have discovered in yourself a satisfaction you have never felt before. So do keep to it. I think it will strengthen your relationship not harm it.

You are worried that you may lose the gentleness, care and tenderness that you see as part of your relationship. A healthy and essential part of it. You are right to want to keep this. However I believe that side can be even stronger in a D/s relationship. There is great tenderness in comforting, calming and loving a sub after a hard scene. I think such tenderness is perhaps rare in a normal relationship. There is a real need for such comfort and care. It is very loving.

In my most intense real time relationship, with a sub who was very submissive and perhaps even masochistic, we would walk hand in hand sharing our love and care for each other like any loving couple. There may be those who insist their sub walk two paces behind them. There may be a place for such activity at times but there is no need to lose the tenderness from your relationship. I think that was part of the reason for setting up the original Pygar blog - as a kind Dom. It may seem a contradiction. However the popularity of Pygar's blog has shown that it is an approach that is welcomed by many subs and Doms. I hope it works for you both.

If it doesn't and your girlfriend wants something different - then you will need to talk openly and discuss what will work for both of you. But as the dominant partner she may welcome you deciding how you want the domination to work and being clear about it - whilst ensuring you are meeting as many of her needs as possible.

You have discovered the other side of a strong and powerful person who craves giving responsibility to someone else for a while. There are many powerful men who pay to visit Dominatrices to enable them to give up their power and responsibility for a while - to have someone else take control and care for them.

So taking control of your girlfriend is truly caring for her. Relieving her of her responsibilities is an act of love. You are both gaining satisfaction from it. The only "right way" in D/s is the one that works for both of you.

Enjoy. Have fun. Be happy.

Good luck!!!!

George and I would both be interested in input from other readers. What do you think?

How can I learn how to be a Dom?

2010-12-08T20:12:00.000Z

Hi

My wife has had a successful D/s background, I have not and had a very staid previous set of conventional relationships. Her background includes an abusive mother, a father who died in her infancy, a rape, she is more than entitled to have dark and erotic sexual feelings. I am relatively gentle man, although large (6 5, 17 stone) and strong. Always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom. That doesn't work as well as it should for us. My wife enjoys rough sex, being treated as a slut,

We fell in love and were doing well, but other areas of our relationship are suffering. Whereas the lack of D/s in our lives was a nice to have that we didn't have - now I feel it's important to save our marriage, stop he being bored, ultimately leaving. I am an intelligent, successful man. I can learn and want to build on the conventional passion that is within me, but push through what currently needs conscious thought and put into into routine - if I can be so cold.

I have read and read, so much on the internet is people's opinion, experience. Does there exist a clear guide to being a D? Something that uses clear English, with examples of behaviours (she does not like or enjoy pain over that of a gentle spanking) such that I grow? She has talked of the way that I can hold her face, how I can act - but I sense her desire not to have to teach me, that is for me to grow into.

Any advice or reading you can share?

With thanks

N

~~~

Dear N

I know a few subs who have similar desires to your wife but who have husbands like yourself who have problems with this. One in particular described her husband very much like you as someone who was, "always taught to treat women with respect, care and gentleness in the bedroom." I do understand how this is an issue - but you are looking for ways to address it. You want to make it work and I feel from your mail that she does too.

Firstly though - I do not believe that there is a "right" way to be a Dom - any more than there is a "right" way to be a sub. What is important though is that you are each able to communicate your needs and desires and work hard to meet each others. So yes - it might be that sometimes you treat your wife more "roughly" than you may feel is right - but in a context where this is just sexual play. It can work well because she knows you are a caring and gentle person. That care and gentleness will be so effective at the end of such a scene where you hold and support one another.

It is your care and love for her and need to also express your gentleness that will distinguish between your play together and the abuse she has suffered in the past. It is good to look on the internet and perhaps find fantasies that you can act out together - but you need to find a way of finding fantasies that you can indulge in together. Part of your Domination of her can be that she carries out what you desire - helping to fulfil your own fantasies.

Perhaps she could direct you to some erotic fiction that she finds arousing - and you to her - so that you can each get a feel for each others desires. Then look for safe ways to investigate such fantasies - being prepared for them to sometimes go wrong but knowing you are each prepared to try again.

Do try. You clearly feel your marriage is at risk. Good communication is a start. Be prepared to review how things go - without blame - just thankful that each of you is trying.

Good luck!

Best wishes

Pygar

~~~

I am not sure I have really answered N's question - or have just put my own gloss on it. Perhaps others can offer better advice - from the Dom's or sub's perspective. I know many others have struggled with such issues and can perhaps give advice from your own direct experience.

"a virgin sub"

2010-11-10T16:55:00.002Z

I have just received the following email:

HI,

I have a question for you and I am hoping that you can help me out.

I am a virgin sub. I have been “shopping” around, online (rolling eyes and sighing) for a Dom or Master who can train me. I have not had an easy time but have “met” someone that I have been talking to for about 2 months. He is very unique and has gotten me to grow in a couple of areas that vanilla men have not. However, I have some concerns about this man.

I will not bother you with some of them because some things are common sense to me. But this question deals with the particulars of BDSM.

I am was asked to go out and buy some clothes pins. I did not knowing what to do but had an idea. He is Long distance by the way so we IM a lot or text. We talk on the phone every now and then.

He asked me to web cam him. I indicated that I did not feel comfortable doing so. He indicated that he wanted to cam so he could show me how to use them without me hurting myself or damaging a nerve. I was very apprehensive about this.

First, I do not feel comfortable doing this at all. Why?

My thinking is that he has been trained, he has been, so he should be the one to do this.
1. I do not know my level of pain yet, I ‘THINK’ I am a masochist but do not know at what level. The pins to ME look more painful than a hand spanking, I have not had that yet.

2. I would like to think as a Dom or Master, he would like to have the opportunity to introduce this to me after he has actually played with me? I do not know am I being immature about this? We have not met yet, and sure as I stated he has taken me through some levels over the phone or through IM or what have you but nothing face to face. Not over a web cam!

I need your help in sorting this out. At what point does a Dom or Master wish or desire to get his hands on a trainee or mentee? I read about 2 to 3 months after meeting, but I know this is NOT written in stone it depends on the people involved. He hasn’t mentioned meeting yet at all. I do know that he is married, separated, living in separate domains, he has a live etc but I feel like, he could be a bit more energetically forth coming.

At this point, I am ready to give up! I have discovered this aspect of myself by “mistake” (are there truly any in life?)
I am 39 and feeling like I am too old! LOL. I look at the GIRLS on kink.com and just drool with envy.

How does a woman, who is professional, healthy, loving and submissive meet the Master of her dreams. LOL.

Thanks for listening if nothing else.

Cougar

My reply is here:

Dear Cougar

Thank you for your email.

In the end D/s relationships are built on trust - and this is especially important when one is trying out some BDSM activities for the first time. I can sense you are nervous as you are new to all this - but there also seems to be a certain lack of trust or communication between you and your online Master.

You say he has been "trained" but few are trained as a Master. The Dominant part is something one discovers in a similar way to how subs such as yourself discover their nature and begin to explore it. With BDSM activities though - there are dangers and any responsible Master will ensure he learns properly how to carry out specific activities safely.

There are many websites where one can get good information. There is no reason why you too should not do some Googling in relation to safety of activities if ever you are concerned. I doubt you will come to much harm with clothes pins. But they can hurt a lot - some though find they cope well with such pain - others less so. Because you are discovering your submissive nature does not mean you are a masochist and into pain. Though many subs who are not into pain enjoy such activities because it emphasises that they are controlled and serving their Master thus enhancing their submissive feelings.

But it seems to me at the moment that your Master is not skilled perhaps in the psychological and emotional aspect of recognising the anticipation, trepidation and even fear of a new or "virgin" sub as you put it. It is important that you discuss your fears with him honestly and openly and do not get bullied into doing what is not right for your own development.

It is interesting that you watch some of the Kink.com videos. Some of those are quite severe and certainly not what a new and nervous sub would start off with! But if that is where you want to get to then I am sure there will be many willing Masters to help you make progress. The art is in finding a skilled one who you trust.

At 39 you are certainly not too old. Earlier on this blog you will see a letter from another sub there younger than you who also felt she was getting too old. But I know many who have only discovered their submission as they get older and there are many Doms who will be delighted to meet you. How does one meet the Master of one's dreams? Well often by chance I suppose but I have found many kind people through blogging.

Good luck - and make sure as a "professional, healthy, loving and submissive" woman that you find a Master who deserves such a precious gift.

Do let us know how you get on.

Kindest regards

Pygar xxxx

I wonder what further advice readers can give?

I may be submissive ...

2010-10-07T20:35:00.001+01:00

I have several questions, but I'll just ask one for right now. I'm 33 and finally come to the realization that I (may) be submissive. I have a tendency to date controlling men...I like a guy to be in control and make most of the decisions, but I don't want a controlling guy, a guy who will tell me I can't see my friends, for example. Does this make sense? I don't want to sound stupid. I like having my freedom, but I do always have this urge to please others. In the bedroom, however, I realize I like to be completely dominated.

I think like a lot of women, I want a guy who's self-confident and self-assured, but not necessarily a controlling, cocky asshole who treats me like crap. But if I were to try to find a Dom, will my age turn off most Dom's? I wish I had realized this in my early twenties, but I'm assuming most Dom's (like most men in general) prefer younger women. Would me being 33 make it harder for my first time Dom?

Thank you sincerely:)

t

Thank you t.

what you said made perfect sense and you certainly do not sound at all stupid. There are many who have controlling desires in some circumstances and a desire to be controlled in others. In particular the difference can be between in the bedroom and in the rest of one's life.

Yes of course you want your freedom - but one can gain freedom at times through letting go and giving someone else the control. It may seem a contradiction but it is one that many are happy to embrace.

Indeed it is important to be clear about the kind of control you want. I think one should be very wary of a dominant who wanted for instance to control who you had as friends. I think that could be quite dangerous and damaging.

There are many for whom submission is just something in the bedroom. However you may find that if you start to get on well with a dominant in the bedroom then "the bedroom" can extend into activities in the real world. It is all about trust and consent and desire.

Yes of course you want a self-confident and self-assured Dom and certainly not one who treats you like crap! That would not be a true Dom in my mind.

Forgive me if I was a bit amused at you worrying about your age! I was very close to a beautiful sub who is two years older than you. At my advance years I was worried about the age difference. To me she was a much younger woman but the age difference did not matter to her as she preferred the maturity and experience of older men. She is very much in demand because of her beauty, her sexuality and her delight in submission - though she too can be very confident and in charge in different situations.

So I do promise you that you are not too old.

I think there are other issues about finding your first time Dom. There are many pretend Doms out there and it can be difficult. But I have perhaps written enough for now and hope that others may offer better advice in the comments.

Conjecture about craving spanking

2010-10-01T14:14:00.000+01:00

A has written to me asking about spanking and depression. I have written about depression and submission before here. But A's letter is more specific and directly related in particular to spanking.

Dear Dom,

I first became interested in spanking when unhappily married and resentful of my wife's actions. fantasies at that time were always of spanking her. Later an online friend introduced me to the idea of receiving spankings. Years later I eventually acted on some of these fantasies and have been spanked by woman friends on a number of occasions, and have fantasized about them far more often.

Now I am facing a possible need for anti-depressants and wonder if the desire to be spanked is related to the depression. Depression being anger turned inwards, and possibly thus craving the severe sting of the mistress' paddle and cane on my backside. I am wondering if the craving will dissipate when I am on antidepressant medication. I also wonder if the extra-marital spankings were a way of sexual acting out that is safer than a full blown sexual affair.

Any thoughts about these questions?

best wishes

A.

My response to A was:

I have found that many female sub friends suffer from severe depression and I have often wondered what the relationship may be between submission and depression.

Yes - you may be right about trying to avoid a full blown affair - only you can know that. But thee is the danger it could develop into an affair - and possibly very intense as BDSM relationships tend to have that additional intensity. So if that is likely to be a problem for you, beware!

I wonder though what my readers think? Is A's desire to be spanked related to his depression? Will it be dissipated if his depression is alleviated or cured? Have others had similar experiences?

BDSM without sex or fetish

2010-09-15T17:42:00.000+01:00

I have recently received the following email:

Hello Uncle Agony,

Thank you for your invitation to ask you questions. Here is mine.

I have an interest in exploring bondage and the infliction and receiving of pain and sensual stimulation, control and submission. But for me (at the moment anyway - my experience is extremely limited) there is no interest in incorporating a sexual element in this, or dressing up in fancy fetish gear or taking any/many clothes off to do it. I have no preference about doing this with a woman or a man.

All the resources and clubs I have seen described so far incorporate most or all of the things I'm not keen about.

I'd be interested in your thoughts about whether I'm very unusual in this and whether there is anyone out there like me? Any resources you could point me to? My google-fu has let me down here.

Thanks, S.

First of all S can I reassure you that there are many who prefer not to incorporate a sexual element into their BDSM and D/s play. For instance most professional Dominatrices and subs rule out any sexual contact.

My approach is different as I enjoy mixing sensuality with BDSM and D/s. But everyone is different in their desires and needs. I am not over bothered about dressing up and certain fetishes whereas for others that is central. There are also those who see sex as being totally irrelevant to BDSM. I recently read a thread on a message board where someone was arguing strongly that in BDSM play sex was not appropriate. They implied that true BDSM excluded sex and that if one was truly into BDSM the sex of one's play partner should not matter a bit.

However many clubs and resources tend to try to be as inclusive as possible so that you will find they may cater for people who just like to dress in fetish gear through to those who are into much more serious and intense bondage and pain play. Though others do emphasise certain elements. Because there seems to be a fetish or sexual element included in a club or resource that does not mean that they may not also cater for your particular desires. Clubs insist on respect and safe play with no unwanted sexual contact allowed. Play is usually also supervised - so it could be a safe place to start. There are generally those who will meet you and introduce you to others.

Remember your particular set of needs and desires are as relevant as those of any other there. If you treat the fetishists and those interested in sensual play with respect then I am sure they will treat you in exactly the same way.

One of the advantages of BDSM play being part of a relationship is that trust and respect is central to it so that play can take place safely. I worry that if you want to put yourself in the position of receiving pain, possibly in bondage, from someone who you do not know well and trust well that you could put yourself at risk.

You might find it useful to discuss this - and possibly make friends along the way - by joining some BDSM contact sites or message boards. Yes, some of these are just meat markets where sex is a key driver. But you may find that Fetlife.com is more broad based and there are some reasonable message boards on the UK site informedconsent.co.uk

I hope other readers may be able to point you in the direction of other resources or may have much better advice than mine.

Good luck

A sub's misconceptions about Doms

2010-07-09T13:55:00.002+01:00

I have had the following email from M. I wonder if others have more ideas about how to persuade his sub friend that Doms do have feelings and an ability to love - if you too believe that to be the case.

I'm a 40 year old black professional male. Married for ten years with two kids. The past couple of years however I've been yearning for more and have gone considerably to the D/s lifestyle.

As of now, I'm in the midst of a very powerful relationship (currently long-distance and online) in which things are progressing considerably. Since she is fairly young, she has what I believe are several misperceptions about the lifestyle. The biggest one is that Doms are devoid of feelings or don't have an ability to love.

I was wondering your thoughts about this.

Thanks in advance.

--M

I wonder M if some of those misconceptions come from experience or just a misconception from the outside? But if she does believe that is the case then why would she want a relationship with a Dom unless she wishes to be used in an unfeeling way? There are subs who do crave such treatment.

However I am assuming that she does want a loving relationship with a Dom and needs reassurance that Doms are capable of such feeling and want to nurture and care for their sub.

In my own experience and those of other couples I know their D/s relationships are invariably loving. There is something about the commitment of D/s that provides a greater emotional intensity rather than a less emotional one.

I think if she were to read the comments by Doms on my Pygar - A Kind Dom blog she would recognise people who have genuine feelings and who care for and love their subs. Perhaps she might then follow on to read some of their blogs too. Though reading blogs by subs where they describe the nature of their relationships can also give a flavour of this.

Good luck to you both.

avoiding abusive Doms

2010-06-18T11:54:00.002+01:00

On my Pygar blog there have been a number of discussions about the issue of abuse and how it is distinguished from Dominance. In a comment to a recent post:

Anonymous said... as a newbie sub, I would appreciate any advice you could give as to how to avoid the abusers...especially when the starting point is meeting online?

That of course is the difficult question. How can one ever know? Does initial online contact make this problem worse rather than easier?

Online anyone can pretend to be anyone they want to I suppose - but I have to say that I have got to know many good people online. I have found that people I have met from my blogs rather than from contact sites have all been genuine. Perhaps it is more difficult to keep up a false facade on an ongoing blog than to maintain a false profile on a contact site.

So perhaps one answer might be to start a blog about your own needs and desires and see if you make friends. Those friendships could turn into something more.

Having said this I have also met some good people through contact sites - one of whom then started her own blog and is a good online friend.

In the end though you will need to trust to your own instincts. Because someone claims to be a Dom it does not mean you have to accept their control and give up your common sense. Trust can take some time to earn and an understanding Dom should realise this. be careful though - I have found that online relationships can become very intense very quickly. Perhaps even more so than real-time ones. So keep your sense of perspective and common sense and ensure that Dom's you meet spend time to earn your trust and respect and recognise the preciousness of the gift you bring.

What do others think? Any tips or advice?

I am sure other subs might have some useful contributions from their own experience.

How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End

2009-08-11T09:07:00.001+01:00

Some time ago I published an excerpt from Vivian's ebook "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. She has now published a companion volume to give advice to the person giving the spanking! It is based on real advice from a number of people who enjoy being spanked.

Here is the blurb:
"This 165-page book is designed for partners of people who want to be spanked, and can be used along with "How to Get the Spanking You Want" as a way of communicating about spanking in a relationship. It's written in the same down-to-earth, easy-to-use and compassionate style as the first book (though more with "Mars" in mind!), and contains insights and advice you won't find anywhere else about how to get your partner to fulfill your spanking desires."

I found it fascinating, informative and very useful. It is a great follow up to her first book. She has again given me permission to publish an excerpt which follows below.

EXCERPTED FROM

“How to Give a Spanking: Advice from the Receiving End”
(Variant Books, 2009, www.HowToGiveaSpanking.com. All rights reserved. Reprinted with Permission.)

c About Resistance

Chances are good that at some point, particularly at the beginning of your spanking experiences, your partner will resist your attempts to spank her.

You may, for example, tell her you’re going to spank her and she says, no way! Or you’re in the middle of spanking her and she stands up and refuses to take the rest of her spanking.

Having your partner resist your attempts to spank her can be, and usually is, confusing and upsetting for you and for her.

If your partner resists, she will probably feel guilty and hypocritical for fighting the very thing she’s worked so hard to get in the first place. After all, spanking was her idea, so she of all people ought not to resist when she’s getting spanked—or so goes her thinking, anyway.

Her situation is further complicated by her desire for consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3, page 80). She probably wants to know that when you say she’s going to get spanked, she’s going to get spanked, period. That means that even if she’s resisting in the moment, later on, she’s likely to feel frustrated and let down because she didn’t have to take the spanking you promised her.

You may be confused and frustrated by her resistance for the same reasons. Isn’t this what she wanted and isn’t it your job to make sure she gets it?

Furthermore, you may find yourself coping with feelings of guilt and shame. Did you do it wrong? Did you spank her too hard? Are you a brute and an abuser?

You can probably see immediately that an episode of resistance that is not handled in a healthy way can do serious damage not only to any future spanking activities, but to the trust and intimacy of the relationship and the psychological well-being of both partners.

Fortunately, you and your partner don’t have to suffer the negative consequences of resistance. You can avoid them almost entirely.

How?

1. By understanding and accepting that resistance to being spanked is probably inevitable at some point.
2. By discussing in advance with your partner what you will do if it happens.
3. By being forgiving of both you and your partner when it does.

Let’s start with the first step: accepting the inevitability of resistance.

If you are in an intimate relationship with a woman, it’s probably not a shocking surprise to you that women’s moods fluctuate dramatically from day to day and even sometimes hour to hour and minute to minute. That means that she may be in the mood for a spanking one minute and then suddenly for what seems to you like no apparent reason, not in the mood for that same spanking the next minute.

In addition, women’s hormonal cycles in particular mean that our emotional and physical tolerance for pain also fluctuates dramatically throughout the course of the month, week and even day. And many people, men and women, are more sensitive to pain when they’re tired, after a shower, when they’re getting a cold, first thing in the morning, or in a variety of other situations. Because of these variations in pain tolerance, you may find that the same spanking that she could accept without resisting yesterday is, today, suddenly too severe for her and she’s not able to hold still for it.

Finally, especially at the beginning of your spanking activity, your partner may find herself surprised by how painful spankings are. Remember that fantasy spankings don’t actually hurt, and if she’s never been spanked before, or hasn’t been spanked in awhile, it’s easy to forget just how much real spankings hurt. The shock of feeling the actual pain of even a mild-but-real spanking can be overwhelming for her.

In short, sooner or later (and probably sooner), your partner will resist your attempt to spank her. So it’s important to go to the second step of the coping-with-resistance plan: discussing it ahead of time.

Acknowledging the reality of resistance with your partner before it happens can do a lot to alleviate the guilt and shame that either or both of you might feel when it happens. If you have both agreed that it’s going to happen and that it’s a natural part of the process, you are both much less likely to believe that you did something wrong when it does inevitably happen.

In addition, having a plan for what to do when resistance happens will help both of you navigate through this challenging situation more safely.

A word of caution: Most people who want to be spanked have fantasies in which they resist the spanking and are forced to take it anyway. Your partner may fantasize that you will verbally force her to continue (“If you don’t bend back over, you’ll get another spanking after this one.”), or physically force her back into position, or even tie her up or otherwise restrain her so she has no choice but to take her spanking.

Resistance fantasies can be tremendously exciting, but especially at the beginning of a spanking relationship, they can also be unrealistic and dangerous. If your partner suggests that you force her to take the spanking even if she resists, my strong recommendation is not to agree to this well-meaning suggestion.

You can probably already see why forcing her to submit to a spanking early in your relationship would be a bad, bad idea.

Remember that section earlier in the book about keeping yourself safe? (see Chapter 1, “Keeping Yourself Safe”) Forcing your partner to take a spanking before you have lots (and lots!) of experience spanking her puts you in a dangerous situation.

First of all, you may risk legal liability if she decides that a consensual spanking has turned into non-consensual abuse. Second, the emotional damage to you that could come from forcing someone you love to submit to what is essentially a beating can have serious psychological effects on you. You may experience feelings of guilt and concerns that you have turned into an abuser for forcing her into a spanking.

Your partner probably won’t fare much better in the forced submission scenario. Though it sounds romantic and exciting, being forced into taking a spanking will likely activate her “fight or flight” instinct. Her lizard brain will likely interpret her resistance as an indication that her survival is being threatened, and instead of feeling good feelings of endorphins, she is likely to feel the terror and panic of a “fight-for-your-life” adrenaline rush.

In short, forcing a woman to submit to a spanking when she doesn’t want to is about on par with giving a cat a bath. The cat will retreat to a corner, hissing and spitting, you’ll probably wind up scratched and bloody, and when all is said and done, the cat still won’t get the bath. It’s a lot of trouble with no real results.

Neither of you needs that aggravation and pain. Which is why the plan of forcing her to submit if she resists is probably an unwise plan until you both know each other a lot better.

And finally, when resistance happens, it’s important that you both take the time to reassure one another that there is no cause for guilt or shame. She may need help seeing that you aren’t taking her resistance as some sort of proof that she doesn’t really want spankings or that she’s a failure at something that means so much to her.

In addition – and this is key – it’s probably vital that you not let her out of the spanking entirely just because she resisted. Remember, whatever happened, she almost certainly still wants consistency and follow-through (see Spanking Desire #3). That means she doesn’t want to be let out of the spanking, even if she resists in the moment. Make it clear to her that while you understand her resistance, she still has a spanking coming and you intend to give it to her. She may need a few minutes, a few hours or a day to gather her courage back up (you’ll need to determine the time frame), but the spanking is non-negotiable. She will love you for it.

When does a traditional relationship become a D/s one?

2009-08-04T07:18:00.000+01:00

(I intend to be less active in blogging for the time being. I will continue to publish interesting emails here for others to comment on but most likely without my own comments. Thank you to all who have helped get this blog going. P xxx)

Pygar,

First thanks for taking the time to create your Blog. I found it yesterday in a search for some answers. I keep coming back to the same vague answers. I think this might be in part to the fact that D/s might be somewhat different for each couple. I would like to preface this question with a little information an background about myself. White male living in S.F. Bay Area of California. I’m in my early thirties in age. I have strong values an find a deep admiration for the traditional roles of a man and woman in a relationship. Something akin to what my grandparents had. A husband who is a provider an guardian, and a wife who is a home maker and care giver. It just seems to be the natural order of things. My most recent Girlfriend was very much into kinks. She allowed me to explore some of these with her and I found out that I too , shared the some of the same kinks and some that might be a bit darker. Her social group of Girl friends are of like mind when it comes to the bedroom. All are submissive women by nature. All commented on my Dominating personality and character. Pointing out things to me about myself that I never noticed or took for granted that it’s the way Men are supposed to behave. My question is this:

At what point does it go from being a traditional unit of a Man and woman to being a D/s relationship. Is the sex the axis it pivots on? I mean if it was vanilla sex but the woman was still submissive and the Man just as Dominant wouldn’t it still be the same relationship of trust, protection, adoration, caring an love?

I guess my hardest hurdle is dealing with the labels. I don’t see myself as being a “Dominant” Male. I’m just a Man. I do see weaker Men in crowds at any social event, so I’m familiar with social hierarchy. Alpha Males and so on. I see the same in women. I can see how personality types naturally gravitate towards one another, and when they don’t mesh well, how they retract from one another.

In closing, I guess what I really want to know is, Can there be D/s minus the clothes pins?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Curiously awaiting your reply,

- H

~~~~~~

Dear H

Can there be D/s without the clothes pins? It is usually subs who ask me that question! LOL I like the clothes pins!!!!

Fortunately my favourite sub friend does too! But of course the answer is that you can make it whatever you want There are far too many hang-ups on language and definitions and what is real D/s and what isn't. There seem to be D/s and BDSM police around trying to tell us all what is and what isn't real BDSM.

My own advice is just go with the flow. Develop those parts of your character that you feel comfortable with in the context of your relationships. For myself I ofen play down those aspects in real life and enjoy being able to express them in the context of a BDSM relationship. I am naturally a kind and gentle man... so how is it I can get off on BDSM activities?

There are many dichotomies and contradictions in this area.

And what is and what isn't a D/s relationship ... when does it become D/s? Does one have to draw a line and decide?

I would be interested in others comments.

Good luck

Pygar

A Dom Question

2009-07-28T08:26:00.000+01:00

I have received my first "Uncle Agony" letter from a Dom. It is a fascinating email about the beginnings of a D\s relationship. I think it could work out very well but I know he is very keen to receive support, ideas and advice from readers. I will add a few comments of my own at the end but first the letter ...

They told me in school there are no such things as Dom questions, but here goes.

I am a male, newly interested in learning more about a D/s lifestyle. I am not into heavy BDSM, but do like to spank my wife.

My wife is a contradiction in terms. She is very self sufficient, has her own money and properties, and knows how to do many things that I don't know how to do. On the other hand, whenever we make decisions about anything, she always says, "If that's what you want," or "whatever you want." She obviously has a strong tendency to want to please.

I have never taken advantage of that tendency, and have always been, throughout my life and throughout our brief (two year) marriage, a pleasant "whatever" kind of guy. Except when I spank her.

Anyway, lately I have been attuned to her saying "whatever you want"s, and she says them a lot. So last week I started to take advantage, for the first time, of my natural dominant tendencies. I did two things. One, I told her I wanted her to obey my every command in bed for one half hour. When she touched me without permission, I spanked her hard. Usually my spankings are playful, but this time I made it hurt. I told her what to do, "lick my cock," etc. She liked it. After about a half hour of mild commands, we had great sex. This morning, I told her I wanted to be in control like that again some time, and asked if she liked it. She told me "as long as you like it."

Second, I told her last week to turn her cell phone off whenever we have lunch together. Before I never told her what to do, I would alwys ask if it is ok. This time I just told her. Last night when her phone rang during our dinner together she apologized. I did not spank her or anything, instead I just told her again why it was important to our relationship to turn her phone off, and she agreed.

Ok, so baby steps. But I can tell she has some of the makings of a good submissive, although, for example, it will be a while (if ever) before I could convince her to turn her finances and her decision making over to me.

I have actually planned a few more steps. Every month I intend to add a new command, for example, that she greet me when I come home in the evening (she does not work, thankfully). I also have a list of things I want her to start doing sexually with me that will also slowly develop. For example, anal sex, which she does not enjoy and which she has let me do only twice in two years. Things like that. I can work on one a month, I have the self control to do that.

I have not specifically discussed the issue of control with her yet. If I told her I wanted to control everything, she would laugh. But on the other hand, she tends to like it when I just step up to the plate. It makes me feel very good to be in control, it is a new feeling for me, though I have always been very self assertive in other realms, so I have the natural leader in me. It's just that in my house, mom definitely wore the pants.

It felt good to take these baby steps. I am just curious about your thoughts on this situation, whether I am headed in the right direction, and any advice your readers might have!

Dom Tom

. . . . .

Thanks Tom

As I wrote earlier I have a positive feeling about this. The fact that you are taking things very slowly and just introducing one thing at a time seems a a very good approach. There may be some things that do not work - then you might backtrack on those but keep up with the overall strategy.

There are many people who are self-confident and in control in their day to day life who actually love the opportunity to be able to put that responsibility to one side, to have another take control and and be the responsible one. It is almost like a break from that other personality, a rest and something they gain pleasure and growth from. It sounds as if your wife is that kind of person ... and that she may enjoy slowly exploring and developing that submissive side of her nature.

One thing I am unsure of is when would be the best time to begin to discuss these issues. For the moment I think your strategy of saying little about what you are doing but watching carefully her response to your new controls is the right one. But if things do continue to develop well then perhaps there will come a time when it would be good to bring it all out into the open and be honest with each other about your needs and desires. At the moment it may be too early as she is only just discovering them from your gentle and careful introduction.

I know subs who have tried to help their partners develop their Dom side and who have written of this. Your parallel journey is very interesting. I do hope that in the future you will tell us all how it went.

But good luck Tom. I think this has huge potential to turn out very positively for both of you. I do hope so.

I hope some subs too may comment as they will have perhaps better understanding of your wife's position from their own awakenings.

Guilt about my submissive feelings

2009-07-21T14:36:00.000+01:00

Good evening Master Pygar:

Ive met someone online too, we've been chatting almost a year next month; he's older than me by 7 years.

He's been after me to submit but being the 'good catholic gal' that I am, Im not so sure that I want to delve into the state called submissiveness. I do want to meet him, but as he said only on his terms - which are sexual. I first delved into BDSM [spring of 2001[ on the msn online channel and purchased The Loving Dominant; Why is my friend so kinky; Erotic Surrender. A lot of erotica which ive read online and also purchased has something to be desired; some is good; some just down right raunchy.

I have so many inhibitions, hangups I call them. And if I can work my way through these hangups , then I will not fear meeting my Lord and Master. Maybe you have some tips to help me overcome these feelings?

Look forward to your response.

Christina

Thank you for writing Christina. Often guilt is said to be built in to a Catholic upbringing. However I have met some very sexually voracious Catholic women - perhaps it is the excitement of breaking free from the guilt!

It sounds as if you want to become more free and explore your sexuality yet your guilt is making this difficult ... causing the hangups you describe. I think that to get over your hangups successfully, and not create even more, you need an understanding and loving partner. I'm not sure that if he is only prepared to meet on his terms then he is necessarily that person - but only you can decide if that is the case.

I do not have much personal experience of coming to terms with guilt.

I wonder if other readers have personal experiences to share that might help?

Good luck

xPx

guilt or emptiness?

2009-06-08T11:40:00.003+01:00

Dear Master Pygar,

Thank you for your blog. It gets me thinking and feeling less alone.

A little over a year ago a new on-line friend sparked within me an interest in submission and D/s relationships. O/our friendship grew (rather quickly) into an 'on-line relationship'. W/we never met, but a gap in my life seemed to be filled for me for the first time.

I am married. My husband has no interest in anything that he dismisses as "kinky".

My online relationship has just finished and left me with that "gap" again. I have young children and cannot separate from my husband - in any case I love him. He is a good man and I do not want to hurt him.

But I feel so empty again. I am drawn to look for another online Master but part of me thinks I should just push it all to one side, that I am being selfish and deceitful.

I just crave to submit again.

Are any of your readers in a similar situation? How do they cope with the feelings of guilt on one side - or the emptiness on the other?

Thank you

pinksub

Thank you for your letter pinksub. I am sure there are other subs in a very similar situation. I hope some of them may feel able to comment. - P

How do I get the spanking I want?

2009-06-01T08:59:00.000+01:00

Many of you may visit Vivian's blog - The Disciplined Feminist - which I have recently linked to on the side bar.

She has just published an ebook called, "How to Get the Spanking You Want" Asking for It, Getting It & Making It Better. It is described as "a complete guide for anyone who wants their partner to spank them and is particularly directed to adults interested in spanking in a committed relationship, primarily (though not exclusively) in a domestic discipline situation."

She kindly offered me an exclusive excerpt for publication. Having read it I think it is excellent advice so am publishing it here. If the rest of the ebook is of the same standard then I think that many will find it a very useful read.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

EXCERPTED FROM
“HOW TO GET THE SPANKING YOU WANT”
(Variant Books, 2009, www.HowToGetaSpanking.com)

~ Why most advice about getting your partner to spank you will not get you what you want

Almost all the advice available on how to get your partner to spank you relies on the fantasy that your partner will spank you if you provoke, tempt or tease him into doing so. This advice usually includes a suggestion to do something that annoys him and then tempt him with, “If I were you, I’d spank me for that…” or variations to that effect.

I call this advice the “I Love Lucy” method because it reminds me of the way in which Lucy would misbehave – often it seemed, with a wink and a nod – and Rickie would threaten her with a spanking if she didn’t stop. (By the way, in case you think I’m reading something into the show that isn’t there, you should know that there is at least one and probably more episodes in which Lucy is spanked by Rickie, and the implication is that this is not an unusual or infrequent occurrence. Ah, the Golden Age of television…)

The “I Love Lucy” method is by far the most commonly repeated advice on this subject – but it obviously doesn’t work very well. How do I know this? Because despite the fact that this advice appears on almost every thread or discussion about this subject anywhere, the forums and community boards are still crowded with people frustrated that their partners won’t spank them.

So clearly, this method isn’t working for most (all?) people. And when you take a closer look at it, it’s really no wonder. Classic sitcoms aside, trying to provoke your partner into spanking you is actually more likely to get him not to spank you than anything else!
Why? To answer that, let’s closer look at what you’re really doing when you try to provoke a spanking by taunting your partner with misbehavior.

1. You’re getting fantasy confused with reality.

Expecting your partner to spank you without communicating with him first about what you want and whether spanking you will work for him is another example of how we tend to let our fantasies get in the way of our expectations about how real life works.

In our fantasies, we misbehave and our partner instinctively and magically knows just what to do about it. Without hesitation, he becomes the stern disciplinarian and immediately takes charge, giving us the perfect spanking in the perfect way, saying all the right things and leaving us with a sore bottom and that wonderful feeling of fantasy fulfillment. Yum… what a wonderful fantasy! No wonder we get stuck here!

But you probably sense by now that as delicious as this fantasy is, it’s not the way real life works because…

2. You’re not being fair to yourself.

Expecting your partner to get that you want him to spank you just because you tease him with the possibility is a sure route to a disappointing spanking experience – even if he does take you up on your offer.

First of all, he’s probably not going to take you seriously and believe that you really want him to spank you. Why would he? Most guys who aren’t specifically interested in spanking don’t realize that there are actually a lot of women out there who want to be spanked. Guys may fantasize about spanking women, but they also fantasize about having sex with two lesbians, and how often does that realistically happen for the average guy?

Furthermore, most “enlightened” modern guys were raised to believe that what a woman wants most is equality, so naturally, he’s going to assume that you’re kidding at best and at worst, being a tease by making fun of his “macho” tendencies. (we’ll talk more about this in a minute)
The odds that he’ll believe you’re serious just because you tease him about spanking you are probably one in a thousand, at least. And even if against all odds, he does try spanking you because you provoked him into it (which would actually be very bad, as you’re about to learn), he’s almost certain to do it “wrong” – thus disappointing you and frustrating him.

Do you really believe that you will get the spanking you want without any specific prior communication with your partner about what you have in mind? That with all of the hundreds of different variations in the spanking experience, your partner will magically somehow, without one word of actual, direct, adult conversation with you, know exactly what you’re asking for and do it the way you want him to?

Not likely! You’ve probably got a better chance of marrying a handsome movie star and moving to a tropical island.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating here. A satisfying spanking doesn’t just happen because you want it to without any work on your part. A good spanking takes communication, practice and the building of trust between two people. (Remember, even Lucy and Rickie had been together for years working on their spanking relationship before those TV spankings happened!)

Expecting that just by teasing and provoking your partner into spanking you you’re going to get what you want is like expecting to play the piano perfectly the first time you touch the keys – it’s just not going to happen, because…

3. You’re not being fair to him.

You and I may be fully aware of the wonderful benefits and pleasures of spanking, but most of the rest of the world isn’t.

In fact, most of the rest of the world (or at least the western world) sees any form of physical violence against a partner as abuse – and therefore unacceptable and unforgivable. Not to mention that in most of western society, hitting a woman is a felony offense that could land your partner in jail, ruin his reputation, take away his custody of his children (if he has them) and end his career.

Sound like an exaggeration? It’s not.

Expecting your partner to spank you just because you tease him is asking him to take a huge risk. What if he misinterpreted what you wanted and spanked you, when you really were just teasing him? (And how in the world could he possibly know for sure if you haven’t talked with him first?) And what if he spanks you too hard and you feel abused by what he’s done and report him to the police? (And how does he know how hard to spank you if, again, you haven’t talked with him first!!?)

You may think these possibilities are exaggerated and far-fetched, but that’s because you’re probably seeing the whole situation from your perspective. You already know what you want and you already know that you want it. He doesn’t. And he has no reasonable or fair chance of knowing without you coming out and asking him, instead of teasing him about it.

Simply put, it is unreasonable and unfair to your partner to expect him to take a serious risk with his life just on the remote chance that you might seriously want him to spank you.
Why is this a remote chance? Why would it be so hard for him to believe that you really, truly want to be spanked? Here’s why:

Because modern men have, by and large, been raised to believe it’s wrong and abusive to hit a woman for any reason at all. Period. End of discussion. This is probably where your man’s head is.

Which means that to get over that pretty strong attitude, he will probably (and should probably) need a very clear and very explicit request from you before he even considers spanking you.
And while we’re on the subject here, given the risks involved, any man who is willing to take the chance and spank you without knowing 100% for sure that it’s consensual is probably not someone who is responsible, stable and mature enough to be a good spanking partner. In fact, he may well be an abuser who will hurt you without your consent in other ways as well.

In other words, if you’ve tried the “I Love Lucy” technique and failed, it’s actually a good sign that your partner is responsible, caring and trustworthy enough to be a great spanking partner once you communicate with him about what you want.

The good news is that you don’t have to use this unreliable and dangerous “I Love Lucy” method to get your partner to give you the spankings you need. There is a method for getting what you want that works much, much better – and best of all, will strengthen your relationship rather than endangering it.

That’s what the rest of this book is about.

Thank you

2009-05-27T10:15:00.001+01:00

Thank you to those who have added their advice as comments to the posts below. That is the purpose of this blog. I have no special wisdom. It is the combined wisdom in the comments of kind hearted readers that will, I hope, make this blog worth reading.

I have been particularly pleased that Doms as well as subs have felt able to write. This gives a good balance to any problem to see it from such different perspectives.

I am sure the problems that have been discussed are not specific to the writers but may be shared by many others. So if you are a new reader do feel free to comment on earlier posts.

And if you have a problem to discuss then please write to Uncle Agony!

How do I know if I am a submissive?

2009-05-20T09:33:00.000+01:00

Hi,

I’ve recently discovered your blog, and am emailing in the desperate hope of some advice…

I’m very confused. How do I know if I am a submissive?

Being controlled is all I think about, all I want and desire. I’m pretty sure I’m a masochist but I know it’s not the sane as being a sub.

I have a partner who I’ve sort of told about certain things I like in the bedroom, but I don’t think he would ever be able to control me in the way I desire.

I don’t know what to do, what to think. It is consuming my mind and I don’t think I can function in a relationship without those needs being fulfilled.

I know you don’t hold the answers, but I just need some advice.

G

Hello G

How do you know if you are a submissive? Well it seems that you already do know that. You sound as if you are aching to explore your submissiveness but your partner may not understand.

I know other subs who have discovered their submissive nature while being committed to a vanilla partner. I know they have had difficulties in reconciling these issues. I hope some may advise you here.

But in the end only you can decide if you sublimate your submissive desires for the sake of your current relationship ... or open up an explore what you feel may be your true nature. If you are lucky your partner may join this journey with you. But if he does not ... then you may find it leads to conflict and difficult choices.

Good luck

P

My Dom is too lacking in confidence

2009-05-14T15:31:00.000+01:00

This email is from a more experienced sub who has started a loving D/s relationship with an inexperienced Master. How best to proceed? Advice from readers is very welcome.

Hello Sir,

First, thank you for your blog and for sharing what you do there.

normally, i wouldn't take a question that related to my Master to be asked anonymously (sorta) somewhere else. i don't think He would be upset; we just have a big empahsis on communication. i just don't know how to communicate this. Master collared me back in March -- after about a year old knowing each other. We have a sort of hybrid online/offline realtionship. We see each other as often as we can for living a good distance away. We're both young. we're both in college. Our families know about our relationship in a nilla fashion. i have about three semesters of school till i am moving to where he lives.

i've told all of this before asking my question so you can get an idea of our relationship.

Thing is, he's hesitant at his Dominance....no matter what it is that he is doing or saying ....

i mean...it's there. he's reallly good at it, and i don't think he knows just how good. i'm his first sub -- he's not my frist dominant, but the only deeply connected and loving relationship i've ever had period.

He's admited fearing hurting me....or he says abusing the power i give him. Sometimes He pushes though this and sometimes He doesn't.

i try to be patient. i tell Him that first and foremost, i love Him for who He is to me -- rather than some percived notion of what he 'must' do as my Master. And, that really isn't my problem. i knew He was new in the beginning.

My problem is that when he doubts himself and doesn't clearly direct....i feel either confused or frustrated from time to time. it's a bit disorintating. i'm not sure how to respond. i have to check myself so that i don't grapple for power during these moments or manipulate -- two things i don't even want to do.

i can't help it...it's part of my wiring. i crave that leadership from him, and it's hard not to feel lost when it isn't exactly clearly there. it's like...i want to serve and please him but when he is like that...i don't know how. Except to just keep on loving him and i do. But the submissive part of me has begun to feel a bit starved and i don't really know what to do.

i'm not even sure that i am making sense. How do i tell him . . . ?

Thanks,

t

Dear t

I can understand your problem - especially as you have had more experience in this area than your Master. There is always the possibility that he doesn't have it in him - and that he will not able to fully satisfy your submissive needs.

But remember - he is new to this. He is finding his feet. He cares for you and is frightened of harming you. That is a good start. Much better than someone inexperienced who was reckless and who might do you real harm. I think you need to be patient but to work through this together. You are the most experienced in this partnership so you may have to give a bit of help and leadership. I know you feel this goes against what you want - you need him to be the leader and to command you. But I believe if you work at it together you will get to that place.

Do lots of talking about each of your needs and desires and where you would like it to develop. Discuss his worries and fears of harming you and devise scenarios where he can feel confident. For instance there are lots of ways of structuring cp sessions where the sub can give ongoing feedback of how it is working for her. Once he gets to understand your limits and your needs he will need less of this feedback - but it is sensible that you start like this.

Perhaps you could look at websites together and discuss what you find there - ones about techniques and safety perhaps, others about imaginative scenes, blogs by couples in such relationships. I am sure all of this will help give you shared ideas of ways that you can make it work.

You may feel that a lot of this is "topping from the boom" and goes against what you need - but I think in the long term if he gains in experience and confidence then the topping from the bottom will be no longer necessary - though honest communication will continue to be essential.

For now keep talking. Keep communicating. Let him know your needs and listen to his concerns. Try to help each other.

I have had my confidence hit at times and as a kind Dom myself am perhaps cautious about going too far too quickly. But I have discovered that with trust and good communications it is possible to gain confidence and expertise quite quickly.

Good luck to you both.

Best wishes

Pygar

doubt

2009-05-10T17:18:00.001+01:00

I have two letters for you this week. I will publish the second later in the week. This first expresses doubt when her Master has become distant.

Hello,

I have found your site and seek your advice.

I have only just begun my training following a long, intense and passionate verbal courting. We have shared our commitment as master husband and submissive wife to be together in all things as we explore this new life together, planning for marriage, the merging of our lives, our resources. His is my love, my master in mind, body and soul. I am his now.

Over the past four days he has become distant. Honestly, he is busy with family issues that cropped up suddenly and I believe weigh greatly upon his mind. And yet, he will not speak to me, only text me and tell me he has a lot on his mind right now, apologizing for the lack of communication. I cannot help but think he is second guessing our relationship, and yet, he has told me we are ok and that he loves me.

I will not speak or think ill of him. I feel secure in his love for me, and in mine for him. I stride to master my emotions and paranoia with writing, walking. Yet doubt creeps on quiet feet, making me feel cut off, from my love, my guiding force, insecure.

Perhaps this is part of my training? Perhaps this is merely the vanilla part of our lives? So I am patient, silent. He is so strong, and I want to be there for him, but I do not wish to overstep my sub bounds. And yet, I fear.

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Anonymous

I think if it was part of your training that he should have explained this to you. Otherwise it could be in he realm of issues I discussed in "A Kind Dom" about emotional sadism. Like you I cannot read his mind to understand the real reason for the change. He has tried to reassure you and has told you he loves you so for now perhaps you should be optimistic. It might just be that he has other major issues to deal with at the moment - but it will be worrying for you to know that this distance can come between you.

I am concerned though that he will not speak to you and will only text. He must know you are worried and a few words might reassure you.

So I am unsure too. I wonder what others think?

- Pygar

How do I find a Dom?

2009-05-05T09:00:00.000+01:00

I was wondering if you may be able to help a young submissive girl deal with a problem?

Just this passed year, I realized that I was submissive. That I want, or more accurately, need to be owned. I just don't know where to find someone who wants to play with me. I'm not a pretty girl, by any standards, but it was never this difficult before to find a guy that would have sex with me. Usually that is frighteningly easy...but I don't want just sex. I want to give up control. I want to be spanked when I am bad (and sometimes just for fun when I'm good!) I have tried having regular "vanilla" sex, but it just leaves me more hungry for submission. For spanking. For hair pulling. For serving. For giving up all control. So I guess my actual question is...how do I find someone who wants to do those things to me?

Thank you in advance, and if you have any advice or suggested reading or words of wisdom for a brand new submissive trying to get her shit together, I would greatly appreciate it!

- K

Hello K

I do understand how it will be for you in wanting to explore your new found feelings and desires in a safe and supportive relationship. It can be very difficult finding someone who you know you can trust, with complementary needs who will care for you and help you fulfil this side of your personality.

Take care. I know subs who have had some very upsetting and difficult experiences in meeting new Doms - especially through contact sites. Though some have had success.

In the UK local groups of people into the scene have occasional meetings called "munches" - just to meet up and talk rather than to scene. They can be a good way to meet new people safely.

You might also meet new friends online through blogs. Maybe start reading blogs of other subs and adding your comments - or even writing to blogger subs who seem friendly. It would be good to have other subs to talk to who have been through what you are going through now and who can offer you advice from personal experience.

I am sure you will find lots of men who want to do those things to you. The trick is to find ones who you can trust and who are interested in your satisfaction as well as their own.

Good luck K

Best wishes

P

Why won't he dominate me?

2009-04-28T08:37:00.000+01:00

Hi Pygar

So… who am I, you ask? I think I'm a sub. I think I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I was very married and very vanilla for 24 years - - amicable divorce - - a chance encounter with a patient Dom flipped on all my switches and a thousand "ah-HA" moments. Played with a couple of other Doms before meeting the man I have been with, off and on, for the past 2+ years. We have had to work thru a series of very trying situations, situations that left both of numb for awhile. We haven't been in D/s mode for months now. Hell… we haven't even been intimate even in the vanilla sense for weeks and weeks. I miss him terribly. I miss my sub-ness. We have turned a corner in our healing, or so it feels to me. We have resumed holding each other, saying kind words, re-building the trust and are slowly moving forward…. But…. he won't respond to my efforts to be submissive. I call him Sir. I am of service to him. I am patiently waiting for him to lead again…. But one days rolls into another and another and another. He says he loves me. I tell him I love him. I worry he is no longer attracted to me, but can’t bring himself to say the words. I worry I've taken on a deadbeat loser - - he lost his job last month - - along with 2.5 million other people - - but still, the idea of helping support a man who won’t touch me - - much less step up and lead - - rattles me down to my bones some days.

This is one of those days.

So what…. You ask? Why am I writing you? I was wondering, from the "kind Dom" perspective, what suggestions you have to help my man know I need him to resume being a Dom? I feel so lost. I feel like I'm waiting for the microwave to "ding" and it just keeps spinning the empty bowl around and around. I ache to feel his firm hand on me. I ache for him to say the words, "good girl." I ache to see that swaggering confidence, that calm assuredness. I'd be happy to kneel at his feet, to use all the protocols we had in place before everything unraveled, but when I begin to display such behaviors, he tells me we are not "there" now. In a earlier state of desperation I suggested a bit more of a DD approach - - thinking some regular ass warming might help manage some of my insecurities as to who we are to one another. He (reluctantly) provided me with 3 very delicious spanking sessions and then said that to continue would be a farce as we aren’t in that kind of a relationship right now.

We have both said we want to get back there…. But I don’t know how long I need to be this good before he will allow me to feel him again. I recently saw a comedy sketch with a woman bellowing in her man's face, "WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME?!" - - and I felt so ashamed for myself thinking maybe I'm doing something similar…i.e., "WHY WON'T YOU DOMINATE ME?!" So I have completely backed off from making any requests, plans, hopes or aspirations. I'm just plugging thru one day at a time. We go to bed wrapped in each other arms, but he tacitly avoids my pussy, my breasts, my ass….

Tell me… please… from your perspective… is this a case of he just not being that into me?? Should I wake up, smell the coffee and throw in the towel (and all other related metaphors)? Or, is there something magical I might say or do to access his Dom-side??

I have no doubt he is a Dom. He was the one who introduced me to "The Loving Dom" book as a way of introducing me to his approach to D/s - - i.e., my behavior is my choice - - not something he wills of me. Not something he ever enjoys disciplining or punishing me for. And now, given that he doesn't not regard us as being in DD or D/s relationship tight now, I have wrapped up my gift of submission and put it on a shelf - - eagerly await some small sign from him that he is ready to accept it again.

Ok… that's all. Thanks for reading this. I hope that you are for real. I hope that you will read this and have some sage words of advice - - from your "Kind Dom" perspective.

Take care,

- t

Hello t

You say that you think you are a sub. Some women are very clear - though interestingly with more experience of subbing many also often learn to enjoy switching and dominating a partner at times. For some the submission is a part of their lives - something they need to help them recharge their batteries whereas for others it is a lifestyle choice.

My usual answer to people who write to me in a similar way to you is ... "communications". It is often the key but I can tell you have tried this. You have tried to be patient and understanding but are worried that you have lost something very important to you. I can understand your worry and distress.

But one thing struck me in what you wrote about your partner was that he had recently lost his job. You say you are worried that you have taken on a deadbeat loser and may be expected to support him.

I wonder how he feels about this? For many macho "Dom-type" men losing your job can be a terribly distressing blow that hits at the heart of your very being, self image and self confidence. To be your Dom, your Master - he has to feel strong and worthy. I wonder if he is in a state of depression and perhaps has been for some time before he lost his job. If he is then he will not have the confidence and strength to be your Master - to use you in the way you need. Perhaps at the moment he is the one who needs that framework of support.

Men are notorious for being unable to speak of their feelings - partly because they are not even good at recognising and analysing them. He may not even recognise he is depressed but become more so when he knows he can no longer satisfy you in the ways you need. Yet another blow to his self image encouraging the downward spiral.

You speak very movingly of how you have tried to maintain the relationship. You have done very well. When does one throw in the towel? I don't know t. Only you can know that. If I am right and depression is at the heart of it then it could be a long job rebuilding his self image. Therapy would be a useful part if he can recognise the value of it. Can D/s be a part too? Perhaps - but the responsibility of being your Master could be too much - and perhaps he can no longer visualise himself in that role.

Only you know the depth of your love for him and commitment to him and can decide if you can manage the immediate future.

Good luck

With very best wishes

P

Pygar -

Thank you! I have failed to see the obvious. I’ve been so concerned about him wanting me, needing me - - as a sub - - that I didn’t consider how he might actually NEED me in another capacity right now. And you are right…. He struggles with articulating his own needs. Ah Men! Dom men are maybe even worse at this, huh?

A few more ramblings here…. First off, I know I’m a sub. I wrote, “I think I’m a sub” as it is such a struggle not being able to be the sub I need to be right now in this relationship. And yes…. Being a sub is a need – not a want.. I have come to realize I don’t feel my true self unless I am in this mind-set/role. It was like finding a missing appendage when I discovered this about myself a few years ago. All of the fragmented pieces that never quite fit until I considered myself in this context, all fell into place. I had experienced a lifetime of inner turmoil up until then with wanting to be successful in the business world, independent and not “need” a man as women generations before me had, blah-blah blah - - yet also having a dark desire for a relationship that I was made to serve, to please, to feel the need for me and what I could offer. To suffer in the name of love. To hurt in the name of desire. To be disciplined when I fell short.. To be rewarded when I did well. To be my true self.

And I found this with this man. I discovered so much more about myself in our first months together. It was a time of such inner growth! I couldn’t wait to learn what he would require of me this week, having to be mindful of his needs and be respectful in my manner; learning to ask rather than proclaim, learning to control my own impulses for the greater good…. And then, Life started to get in the way: An unexpected death of someone dear; extreme stress at work; a small lie revealed; promises broken; a health concern; financial struggles; (and the list goes on and on)…. And with each issue, the D/s dynamic between us took a toll. Some protocols were forgotten; some of our routine was set aside; what I expected of him shifted and visa versa…. Now I sit beside him rather than at his feet. Kneeling is no longer required or desired of me. I haven’t crawled anywhere since last summer. My collar is in a drawer, not touched since gawd knows when. We have, essentially, become vanilla - - and I hate it.

- t

So how can t find her Master again? How can her Master rediscover his power over her?

Only punishment and no rewards

2009-04-21T09:08:00.002+01:00

Good Afternoon, Sir,

Sir, i need some help and advise. i have not been in this lifestyle very long (my dom has been in the lifestyle over 5 years now), but i am troubled by the fact that there seems to be only punishment and not rewards. my Dom knows my needs, both sexually and just being with Him. It seems the slightest mistake from me creates the biggest punishments. i am struggling with not having the good stuff rewarded and only having the bad stuff recognized.

The situation is: We were messing around on MSN; i have been really watching my p's and q's, i had been asking permission for absolutely everything, i had been lower casing my 'i', upper casing anything to do with Him, i came back from lunch, i was back in work, i msn'ed "Did You miss me, master" and in that split second i forgot to check my MSN and sent it. my punishment is to clean his car from top to bottom, inside and out, which i am more than happy with, but the biggest punishment, the one i am finding harder to deal with is the enforced 'no contact' and the renegaging on the promise of a sleep over at the weekend. i have the absolutely craving to be with Him, He also knows that i have my sexual needs to be thought about, it is part of our contract that He is aware of them and what i need. i honestly do not think the punishment is suitable for the deed, but i cannot say. i have asked Him, respectfully, to read the contract, and highlighted this to Him.

Reading through this, it became more of a rant that a request for help, but it is helping me to not focus too much on the not speaking to Him.

Thank You, Sir

serenity.

PS i also forgot to mention that He said if i did it again, He was taking my collar away from me. Makes to too scared to have ANY contact with him, being on the constant knife edge.

releasing control

2009-04-16T14:21:00.000+01:00

I have been exchanging emails for a little while with a woman who has left her husband who was also her Dom. She realised that she was in an abusive relationship rather than a loving D/s relationship. However she has been used to having every element of her life controlled for so long that she finds it difficult living without that control. In fact the control has conditioned her to such a degree that reconditioning herself is proving hard. I quote here from two of her emails.

I was looking at web sites quite a bit with hopes that i would find answers I but I have had to stop because I just get all turned on and frustrated and can't do anything about it cause I don't have permission from him. How can I break that so I can be satisfied and cum on my own without asking? I am truly having a mental block about that one. Am I that broken? That I can't even find satisfaction on my own? How retarded is that? How can you miss being spanked? Am i 5 again? Holy merde the wall and my head are making way too much contact , i gotta stop this, how can i shut down my mind?

. . . and then later . . .

Tried again, with a little more success. Maybe I am getting somewhere. At least I feel something if not actual release.
Is it wrong if I just hear his voice in my head as long as he isn't here when I actually cum? Or should I completely block him out. I just hear the words " cum for me now" in my head and I almost get there, but just can't seem to go over the edge. Then I hear " don't you dare cum bitch" or " you're not allowed to cum unless it is me that gives it to you" and it ruins it. Even with Mr Hitachi and Mr. kinky pinky. Maybe I am broken. Even the nipple clamps aren't working. I even tried flogging my own back and it felt good but I need the surprise of the smack. Then I start feeling guilty for even trying. Is this psycho. Should I just give up and go back to him? Doing this on my own is a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Any suggestions?

Books and Blogs

2009-04-14T11:51:00.000+01:00

I have been asked for recommendations for books that discuss D/s in helpful and supportive ways. If you can recommend any good books then please add a comment.

There are many blogs and websites that offer serious discussion of D/s issues. Please also add recommendations for these.

I will try to get round to putting a list on the sidebar for easy reference.